The school thing (and $$$$)

So, SS12 is an only grandchild on both sides of his family. MIL doesn't go overboard, but BM's parents do -- big time. As in, buy him expensive gifts and hand him large amounts of money for no reason. He's very close to them. As someone who had a wonderful relationship with her grandparents, I know how valuable and rewarding that can be. But DH is frustrated and concerned because he doesn't really agree with their values or the effect they have on SS. (He's massively spoiled and entitled.)

Apparently, they've been helping BM's brother since he lost his IT job five years ago -- to the tune of $100k. They told BM they want to keep things even, so they want to pay for SS to go to private school. She suggested putting it in his college fund (they already have a separate fund all ready for him, so no) or putting it toward her mortgage (no) or in a separate fund in case she needs it sometime (they said they don't want to do that). They're set on private school.

Thing is, DH doesn't want to send SS to private school. We're zoned for good public schools -- part of why we moved to this neighborhood -- and SS has always been in public.

DH and BM started looking online and there don't seem to be any really good options. Most of the private schools around here are conservative religious, which isn't a good option for us. The ones that aren't are good schools, but they're not diverse and have strict dress codes/uniforms. SS has always enjoyed self expression like temporary hair color, clip-on earring, etc. That wouldn't be allowed. And he has always enjoyed interacting with a variety of kids.

He struggled some with classes last year and dropped from advanced to regular classes. He's smart, but he fell far behind because BM and her parents (he spends a lot of time with them on her weeks) weren't staying on top of SS about schoolwork. He frequently lied about doing it and played video games instead. On our weeks, DH was more diligent about monitoring. I stead of making him keep up, they decided it would be easier to just let him drop down -- where the problems continued. Shocker.

Anyway, the best of the options is a school with a rigorous curriculum where he would enter the school far behind the other kids in his grade. And history tells us that 1) he slacks off 2) lies and 3) BM lets him get away with it. Would tougher classes be good for him? Probably. But it also has ingredients for disaster.

School starts in less than two weeks, so it's a bit late for this semester, but whenever it happened, he would be at a disadvantage. I'm sure he wouldn't be the first kid in that situation and the school would likely have a plan in place, but it would probably require a lot of effort and diligence on SS's part.

DH thinks the whole thing is a bad idea. SS is happy where he is. The school isn't perfect, but there aren't serious issues with it. The only reason for this is BM's parents want to give BM money and want her to use it for this specifically. BM is lukewarm on the whole idea, but has always deferred to her parents, who like to overstep.

Anyway, BM and DH are going to talk some more. But he thinks they're going to do everything possible to steamroll over him.

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I went to a private school

I went to a private school for a few years.. and while you might assume that the education is "better".. the reality is that it is really more about societal status and connections than rigorous academics. Now, you are probably going to be in classes with kids who have college educated parents.. who are more interested in their child's education.. but you will have your large share of spoiled rich brats that skate through life with few consequences. From my experience.. not all the people were very nice to be honest.

But.. one of the benefits is smaller class size.. harder for your SS to just duck and keep his head under the radar.. maybe that accountability would be good for him?

Are his former inlaws prepared to pony up for the balance of his college prep education years? not just a year or two?

Will he be accepted into a school.. they can have entrance criteria.

I think the beginning of the year.. "could" be overcome.. but it IS better to start off from the beginning.

He may also have to test in.. and would everyone be happy if his results ended up having him repeat a year?

In the end.. I guess the CO will dictate who has control over school choice.. but I would hate to see him yanked back and forth at the inlaw's discretion.

His mom mentioned smaller

His mom mentioned smaller class size. It could help. Though I attended one round of parent-teacher conferences (DH was sick) and I was impressed by how familiar the teachers were with SS and how committed they were in trying to help him do better. So, it's not going to be a huge difference, IMO.

Supposedly, they are planning to cover through 12th grade, though I told DH it would be wise to push to have that money put in a special education account or something so if something happens, SS doesn't have to be yanked out -- or we won't be on the hook for covering half the tuition.

SS tests very well, but the classes he's been taking haven't laid groundwork for the private school. Those kids are taking pre-algebra this year (grade 7) and have already been studying languages for two years. At the current rate, he won't get to pre-algebra for another couple of years and languages start in ninth grade.

DH and BM have joint custody and have to both sign off on educational decisions. If they can't agree, I'm guessing it could end up in family court.

I'm with you. I'd hate for SS to be uprooted haphazardly without very serious consideration. And I don't think "oh, we have extra money" is, by itself, a good enough reason to change schools. If one was a great fit for him and would be a better situation -- fine. But we're not seeing anything that fits the bill.

Grandparents may be willing

Grandparents may be willing to help him get tutors or take him to summer school to help him catch up

They might. The question is

They might. The question is would it do any good? SS is reluctant to put forth effort on anything that takes away from game time. BM and her parents have demonstrated over the years that they are unwilling to do anything that might upset him or do things he doesn't want to do. How they think he'd survive at some of these schools without extra work and better study habits is beyond me. As it is, he couldn't handle advanced classes solely because they let him fall behind on her weeks.

they've been helping BM's

they've been helping BM's brother since he lost his IT job five years ago -- to the tune of $100k. They told BM they want to keep things even, so they want to pay for SS to go to private school

BM's parents helped the brother. Even would be helping BM. They don't want even, they want control.

If the other students are two years into a language and way ahead in math, unless SS is gifted he is going to have difficulty keeping up. Dropping a kid who had difficulty with advanced regular classes into this is a recipe for disaster.

If BM's parents are paying in full, my guess is that the school would take him even though the beginning of the year is close. But, since DH is not sold on the idea, he really needs to say no. It sounds as if it would taking SS from a school where he is relatively happy but underperforming, and dropping him into a school whose dress code alone will make him unhappy. Plus he's going to start out being behind academically with no motivation to do the harder work. BM's parents might find that even if he stays for the year, he's asked not to return.

I think it may be time for DH to take a lesson from Nancy Reagan and Just Say No.

Absolutely. He told BM no a

Absolutely. It's control. And there's a long history of control there. That's one of DH's worries. One of the reasons BM's brother is living off his parents and unable to find a job or career (he's nearly 50) is that he's been coddled and controlled. BM has a great career, but she has no clue about wise money management, responsibility or living like an adult. Her parents still pay for and take her (and SS) on all their vacations.

He told BM no a few minutes ago so she going to talk to them. She has a history of not being able to stand her ground.

DH's fear is BM's parents are extremely well connected in the legal community and they'll be able to get a judge to side with them. I have no clue if that's a legit fear or paranoia.

Update

So BM just texted that her parents are going to tour one of the schools this afternoon -- less than an hour from now. This is one DH has on his "no way" list (very far away from both homes, extremely strict dress code, snooty reputation). Yet they're going to go look into it without the parents. You know, the ones with legal authority over where SS goes to school.

He called her and let her know he is not on board and she said she'd talk to them about doing something else with the money. She doesn't have much hope that they'll agree.

Ugh. Boundaries.

I wonder if the strict dress

I wonder if the strict dress code is part of this school's desirability for them. From what you have said about them, the clip ons and hair color would not seem to be in their wheelhouse.

You would think. But they're

You would think. But they're actually extremely liberal and have always encouraged SS in his fashion choices. SS wanted his ear pierced last year and BM and her parents were fine with the idea. DH said no because SS had not demonstrated maturity and responsibility to properly care for it.

At the same time, they're very controlling and status-conscious. Go figure.

Agreed with the poster above

Most private schools are simply for status and networking with upper class people but you can also send them to private colleges later if they're really serious about top tier degrees

Hell I'd let grandma / grandpa warbucks throw money around as long as they understand you are still the parent and must consult/approve things with you first

No point in blocking your blessings but also be loving yet firm with SS so he's not walking around like a spoiled brat and actually has emotional intelligence as well as educational intelligence

Its okay to not let him know everything (ex. We worked SO hard sometimes double shifts and begging family to help get you here vs. you got unlimited inheritance to blow/do as you please) if you think he's not mature to handle the truth

A big part of the problem is

A big part of the problem is they don't respect parental authority. They booked an appointment to tour one of the schools without even running it by BM and DH first.

Let 'em go look.

not like they're signing a contract for enrollment or anything

If they sign a contract (which I highly doubt administration would let them) I'd insist they drop their retirement and they do the commute, set up tutors, let them do ALL the work and the financing

Go for broke. Pick a top tier insanely expensive boarding school

See how commited BM's parents are to "fairness" and their private school dreams for the Skid.

If DH's XILs want to play that game, leverage the benefits for the Skid to the hilt. Boarding school, great education, incredible opportunity, and .... gets the Skid away from the XILs. DH can fight for as much of the holidays from school as possible, minimizing the exposure this SKid has with the idiot entitlement generating XIL/GPs.

DO IT!!!!!!

The school they went to tour

The school they went to tour today (without even checking with DH or BM how they feel about it) is the most expensive one in town. I doubt they'd blink. They're the type who have no problem throwing money around. Not so good at saving. DH is convinced one day it will bite them (and/or their offspring) in the rear end.

Keep in mind that the GPs can't enroll the kid anywhere.

Only (a/the) parent(s) can.

DH needs to step in and set the rules. GP's don't get to pick the school. They can pay, but they should not be allowed to pick.

IMHO of course.

No, they can't. I keep

No, they can't. I keep reminding DH of that. He worries they could use their influence but that doesn't change the fact that he's the parent.

The most expensive one in

The most expensive one in town is probably THE best one in town.

Let em splurge if they want too lol but get it in writing they pay for tutors AND they agree to all 4 years AND they do at least half the commute AND they still need to consult with you all as parents.

(No subject)

Would BM be willing to use DH as the excuse as to why SS

Would BM be willing to use DH as the excuse as to why SS cann't leave the school he is in? Maybe the better question is - would DH allow himself to be the "bad guy" and let BM use him as the excuse? If she agrees with DH about SS staying where he is, but doesn't have the backbone to stand up to her parents - can she tell them that DH won't allow the change? Use him as the reason as to why she can't let SS move. Or are they the type that would think she needs to go back to court?