Wish me luck
Tonight my BF and I are joining BM, her BF, his son, and BF and BM's 2 daughters for a birthday party. The oldest is turning 18. We are all going out to dinner togehter! We got together for the first time a couple of weeks ago for a graduation lunch for oldest. That went pretty wellm, but there were 15 of us, some other family members of BF also. But tonight there will only be the 7 of us. BM has tried for a long time to get BF to be 'one big happy family'. But he has just started doing it with me along. BF thinks the reason BM has wanted this so bad is that it makes her not look so bad in the eyes of kids..the fact that she moved in with her BF immediately after their split and this is one of the guys she cheated with. So kind of like if Dad also has a SO then she looks better. I'm not sure, but in the past everything she seems to do has a motive, and the motive is self fulfilling.
Anyway, I asked BF to sometime talk to the girls about this. Do they really feel comfortable with everyone being together...or would they rather celebrate separately. We have decided that we aren't going to do these 'big happy family' things unless they are special occasiona, such as the graduation, and 18th BD. Because before long she will have us all having XMAS, Easter, etc. together.
What's your opinions, these girls are 13 and 18 do they really WANT to see mom and her BF and Dad and his GF all together acting like everything is just perfect??
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I always want to try to make
I always want to try to make it comfortable for all of us to be together and our kids seem to like it that way. The question also is, are you comfortable with it. I would talk to the girls and see how they feel, it they are comfortable, then try to keep things as they are. I wish you luck with all of this and hope that in the future, I can have the same get togethers with BM and kids and us and everything be calm and quit. We'll see
Making the decision to have a child is momentous~ It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside of your body~
My hubby, my SS and I do
My hubby, my SS and I do many get-togethers with his ex and her family. She has yet to have a SO in the picture... but my SS is 6, so I think for his age, it is very important. They learned from divorce counseling that if he can see that his parents are still friends and get along, he will adjust best. I think this still applies to older children, although they have more of an ability to process all sides. 13 is still pretty young though. I can tell you, coming from divorced parents, that I enjoy having my mom and dad (and my SM) all together because I get to see both of my parents. I'm 24 now, but my dad has been remarried since I was 18. However, I have always known that my SM can be really uncomfortable about my mom being present - but at the holidays, my siblings and I hate having to leave her out. If you all, as parents and SO's can handle it for the children, and be amicable, I think they will be grateful in the long run.
Keeping it to special occasions is wise. I'd say only do it when necessary, because the fact is, it probably won't always be totally comfortable! I think if you can all act okay with it, the kids will be okay with it. It is your responsibilities as the adults to make this easy on them... if they start acting uncomfortable, it's probably because they are sensing tension. Now if it is the case that you all CANNOT gather together and be amicable, then I would say it is best to keep events separate, as again, they will sense this and it will make the children uneasy. Good luck, I know it is difficult!
I would do it for ss....
De inimico non loquaris sed cogities.
However, I am with fearless, I just find it totally uncomfortable and unnatural as well. Not something I would want to make a habit of.