I have heard of this type of thing many times before, kinda typical.
Now, I have my take on it and what I PERSONALLY WOULD DO. I hope that you get a lot of advice from here (and on your own) so that you can make a good decision for yourself.

What I PERSONALLY WOULD DO:
I would mention (like you already have)the inappropriate dynamics of the situation and then I would back off. I would not tell him ANYTHING, BUT I WOULD BE WATCHING how he handles it (because that will give a good indication of how he will handle things in the future).

In my opinion this man is not marriageable until his responsibilities with his daughter are finished. That doesn't necessarily mean that I would exit his life. I would get to know him better(knowing that he is UNMARRIAGEBLE for a long time)and take it slowly so his daughter can be closer to being up and out.

Just personally, I hate drama and DRAMA is what this little girl is going to give you if you "tread" on her daddy. I want a calm and peaceful life and this is entering something much too muddy for me.

I hope that this little perspective might help you in your life's journey. In your post you did not mention your age, his age or if you wanted, eventually to marry. The advice from most people would vary depending on all sorts of variables. You you were 18 and he was 35, I would tell you to run for the hills. If you were 45 & already had kids & he was....... oh my, so many variables. If you were my daughter I would tell you to find a man with no children.

Again, hope all goes well with you.

A ten year span at this point is quite prominent because of the child rearing thing. You are at a wonderful age---the freedom from so many things. Just to be blunt (I am in a time crunch here) I would say he is at such a different stage in his life that even if you love him, the best thing for you would be to discover "other" realities for yourself. Love is not enough---or at least wouldn't be for me.

I know that being single at this stage has great advantages & also disadvantages & I can understand your apprehensions. I think that you might be shortchanging yourself and your life by sticking to an "unmarriageble" man. You might meet a "marriageable" guy instead of settling for a man that already has a princess.

I had a friend who didn't want to get married but always broke up with the "unmarriageble" ones. I asked her that it didn't make sense, that she didn't want to marry anyway. She said that she was fickle, and that if she changed her mind, she wanted an "available" one and didn't want to fall in love with someone who couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't marry. She was protecting herself.

You say it is too late because you already love him. I really don't believe that.

Please don't be offended with my real direct argument here. Just putting out "another" opinion. Good luck with whatever you decide for yourself.

I don't think that an unmarried person with children is unmarriageable. That's BS. Single people meet and get married all the time. So what if they have children? IT'S CALLED A FAMILY! F-A-M-I-L-Y. Single parenthood is suddenly the goal here? Since when? Since when is it better to raise children in a single-parent family than in a home with two parents? I thought the goal was for children to grow up in families. I don't get it.
~ Anne ~

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I have to say that my SS isn't the problem, it is the lies and bs his BM feeds him. The way I react to that is to simply prove her wrong, actions speak louder than words any day. My DH deserves to be happy and so do I regardless of the failed marriages in our PAST. I can tell you that both my sons and ss are happier b/c DH and I are together. Before you say there are exceptions to the rule let me ask if you came to the conclusion that remarriage w/kids is wrong, from reading posts here.If so you have to realize that this is a place to vent and get advice, so the posts you read are often made out of anger or disgust for a certain situation.

If families were perfect with no drama,there wouldn't be a need for divorces at all. Drama is part of life, as is change, and kids have to learn to roll with the punches that life throws at them, or they will not grow up to be strong productive adults.

I can not sit by s.2.b. If I do, they both will do ANYTHING to get between us and sit by him. Same at dinner, they both HAVE to sit by him. It pisses me off at times, but I think they just really miss him. Your skid....she might be showing it in a different way, but I think it needs to be addressed ASAP.Sexul at 13? She totaly knows what she is doing, and that is just plane WEIRD. He needs to speak to her right away.
Difficulties are meant to rouse, not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.
-William Ellery Channing

I don't mean to fan any flames here.. but this seems to be a great topic. This seems to be a topic that both sides can debate and be right.

I do think that there are unmarriageable parents. These are parents that have not moved on from their previous divorce/relationship, thus parent with guilt and pander to or squabble with the ex. They have not set boundaries for themselves, ex, or children. It's called enmeshment.

Blending families can provide (perhaps for the 1st time) an example of what a healthy relationship or family life can be. It's called love.

If you do not address the enmeshment the healthy structure is prevented or delayed. Soo I propose a new federal law that requires co-parenting therapy before marriage, a parenting plan must be developed and the kids must also attend sessions when nearing "graduation". Upon graduation you get your diploma that is required documentation as part of the marriage license application process.

Well I am not really big on the nanny state, but enmeshed people do not see the harm they they are doing to themselves and others... so what are your thoughts??

Hanny, I respect you for knowing what you want in your life.

The 13yo issue with her dad does need to be addressed. Trust your instincts (you are a mom afterall) and strongly encourage your BF to address the issue with his daughter the next time it surfaces.

Once, when my skids moved in with hubby and me, the youngest boy grabbed my butt...and then looked at me, not with mischief in his eyes, but with a coy "come on" look. I told him right there and then, "Don't ever touch me like that again. It's inappropriate." He never did and apologized. Just testing the waters, I suppose and was probably inspired to do it by older brothers. Nonetheless, I made it clear what was acceptable, which I suspect he knew anyway.

While this isn't the same situation you're in with BF, I think the same approach applies. A 13yo usually knows what is appropriate by that age, especially if she is doing this only when you're around, which tells me she knows and just is testing her boundaries about who is the preferred female in her dad's eyes. It needs to be explained to her.

Hope BF steps up to the plate and explains to his daughter what is and isn't appropriate. And good for you for bringing it up.

Co-parenting therapy? A parenting plan? What great ideas. Enmeshment? Have you any books that could further explain this?

Great post Persophone. You make some great thought provoking points! Have you ever heard of the term "families in transition"?

Thanks Persophone. Sounds like you are quite well versed on this subject. Thanks for your very sound perspective! I will go and buy Divorce Poison today.