habsle's Blog

Trying

I've tried to disengage but I'm not ready for that it seems. I did everything I thought was right today, only to be told that I did something wrong. (I didn't put the positive words before the negative words, which I always seem to do) (BTW, DH interrupted me to tell me that!) I ended up losing it about 10 minutes ago and turned into bitch mode again. Why do I let him have the power over me? He's 9 for goodness sakes!

MY FAULT!

I always feel like it's my fault. I don't know what to do. I am fusturated and angry.I'm upset. I'm hurt. I hate being #2. When I realized that I am #2 in the relationship, I feel like #2. When I say anything, he will use it against me. She said "...". I have been told before that he was going to have me arrested. But when I bring that up I am told taht this is now that was then. So how do I get the past stuff out of my head and heart to start over again. I think I've tried to start over but I always end up crying. When does the crying stop? I'm so confused. I am not me.

So

Today SS comes home and doesn't say a word to me. When DH gets home,SS starts asking all kinds of questions. And I'm not alienated according to DH. That brat refused to talk to me and how else am I supposed to feel. When he does that I feel like I'm a bad person for not listening. But how can i listen if he doesn't even talk? I'm sitting in the office while they are chatting it up about the book he's reading. And it's my fault that I don't communicate with him. DON'T YOU SEE HE REFUSES TO TALK TO ME!!!!!!!!! Quit being blind to what I have to say. Take a real look at what's going on.

Sunday

So it's Sunday and I haven't done anything. SS has been gone to MIL house and I'm scared now that he's coming back. Who knows what all was said when he went over there this time. I'm such a horrible person according to them. I have heard so much negativity from her that I don't even want to go to holidays over there. She also tells SS lies and he acts upon them. It's a conspiracy! I don't want SS to go over there but that's the only place he can go. He has no friends and it's all my fault. We don't go to church and that's all my fault.

Today

SS today did everything right once DH got home. Even ate his dinner, asked for seconds, and raved about it. Why am I supposed to say "Good job." "Thank you" etc. when all I want to do is yell "BULL SHIT" at the top of my lungs? He's grounded and tries to make up for it by acting good to get DH to let him off the hook. Then it's back to the same ol' same ol'. Oh and don't get me started on the $200 cell phone DH wants to get 9 year old SS. Dinner's done so I'm done for the day!

WTF

Why do I hate bribing so much? It really hurts me! I made dinner and DH had to bribe SS to eat. Lots of come on try it's and good job. Like he's fucking 2. Then if he eats half of his burger he gets to call his Nana to tel her how good his doing. Then he has the nerve to tell me that I pissed him off. WTF!

Getting this off my chest.

I have been sick today. Think I'm coming down with a cold. I have been thinking a lot though and wanted to say what I want to say. I do not like my SS. I want to. I used to. I don't anymore. I am disgusted when I hear him talking. I despise going anywhere with him. I am embarrassed. I am scared of him since he goes into fits where he over-exaggerates and acts like I'm going to kill him. He sometimes will fling himself of the floor if I even get near him.

Read more about Getting this off my chest.
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Quick Thought

I have really found that I hate manipulation and I do not like the fact that I don't know how to do something and when I ask for help, I am being told that I'm doing ok. If I'm "doing ok" then how come shit keeps hitting the fan? I think you only say that so that way you won't have to deal with it!
That is all.

Still shaking

So I was sitting (trying as calmly as I can to prove that I can) stating what was in SS homework planner and what we had discussed at meeting. Around and around and around we went until he decided to fling his pencil at the table and it flew towards me! Then he yelled that he could not complete his homework since I broke his pencil! Left the room after talking to DH on speaker phone so we could all here and now I'm so pissed I could break something!

Question

Today at dinner time, it was just SS and me. DH made him a grilled cheese and chips and went to work. I was telling him that he needed to eat and get his homework put up because it was close to bed time. (Had issues earlier so earlier bed time). He proceeds to try to choke himself on his food. He stuffed his sandwich in his mouth and thinks it's funny because he's smiling about it and looking at me. When you are choking you don't smile! Has anyone had this problem before? If so or if not, what should I do?

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