I'm so sorry that I never replied to so many comments on my last posts. I got nervous that I had put up too much personal information and deleted the whole thing. "DH" said someone would be able to identify us, and he also was about ready to read everything and start replying and making posts of his own. It was so rude to delete it like that, and I apologize to anyone who was reading that thread and especially anyone who commented.

Well, Saturday part of my heart left my body, my 14 1/2 year old who I've had full custody since birth was picked up by his loving father who moved him to another state. This was for the best for the child, but the day they put all his stuff in the car and left, I felt like I would never stop crying or ever be ok again. Sometimes it felt like a panic attack, would just hold my head and say "Oh G-d" over and over and gasping for air. Haven't called him yet. I don't want to be all over them. My son said he wanted one call per week, so I've sent a few emails and will call tomorrow. To be honest, I'm dreading the first weekend visit in a way, because I can't imagine saying goodbye again after just two days and being ok.

For the first couple days "DH" was supportive, but on Wednesday I took the day off from work. It was planned ahead as a personal day for us to spend time together and get out into the sun for a healing day for me. I had asked for it because I was not doing well, and afraid of not getting through the workweek without that, my boss was ok with it. Since he usually does things for his elderly parents, I asked him to please take care of those things on Tuesday so that we could have Wednesday. When the day came, he said he had to drive his mom to get her car out of the shop, and it was disappointing, but I didn't say anything or get mad. Then he called while he was out and said that he was taking his dad to the store. He got home at 2 pm and put on his earphones and started watching Netflix. I was trying to sit down and eat lunch with him. At this point I said "well, I guess I'm spending the entire day alone" because he had to work at 5:00. It blew up into a huge fight with him threatening to call the police on me about 100 times. That's his "go to" statement. I only have to raise my voice or say something that offends him and he yells "I'm calling the police!" and starts running out the door. I really think he is out of his mind. This is the man I have while I'm grieving my child.

So, like an idiot, I call my mother for support. She gave me the news that someone tried to beat my dad to death. No, she didn't tell me the actual day it happened, they're divorced, and she just told me because I happened to call her about something else (wtf?) Someone busted his door down and beat him almost to death, and slit a girl's throat who was there (she survived). So this is all over the news, and his injuries are serious. Before that, I was asking her to look for apartments in her area and she was like "You wouldn't have a job!" and I said, I will be looking over the internet, in the meantime, I'm working full time and not quitting. So, I could barely breathe, and she told me to call her tomorrow, and acted all caring and motherly, saying that she had to calm my brother down, and now me, giving herself all this credit for telling us this bad news, I guess. She actually said she wanted me to call her everyday.

So the next day I called her in tears, sorry, there are a lot of tears this week, because "DH" had again said he was calling the police on me and ran out the door because I asked to use his phone. She started screaming at the top of her lungs and it was the most disgusting over the top scream you could hear from a person who was not being murdered. She screamed that it was all my fault and that I have got to stop expecting everyone else to take care of me. Which she has said every time I ever call her for emotional support, without asking her for anything..please, I work 40 hours per week, have two degrees, and have never asked any family member for a penny since I was first married at 21, so I guess she meant I shouldn't be expecting any help from her emotionally, or in planning a move out of this bad situation, I don't know because she was screaming so freakishly I hung up. A few minutes she called back, and I screamed at her, "Don't you ever call me again, I was stupid to try to talk to you!" and hung up.

Then I sent her an email telling her all the things I've been holding in about the verbal and mental abuse she did in my childhood, the neglect, the sexual abuse since she brought my stepdad into the house. I told her a lot of really bad hurtful things about how she is dead to me, and I hope that she bawls and tries to go to someone for help, and they scream in her face. I also said that I hate her, have hated her for a long time, told her all the mental problems that I have due to the abuse and that I blame her for all of them, told her the abuse I saw her do to my brother and that I am talking to a therapist about her and that we should have been taken away and put in foster care. told her that she will no longer be allowed to see my children. I told her every sick mind game that I remember her doing to me, and that I still wake up screaming with nightmares of fighting with her, calling her a bitch, I even said that when she finally passes away that i'll be relieved, I called her a manipulative bitch, which is a term she called me many times as a child. I said every single thing that has been on my mind with 24 years of holding in terrible memories and holding in pain to protect HER. So she screamed at me again while I was in crisis. I decided to stop protecting her from the truth because she no longer deserves it. it felt good. I am not sorry.

"DH" stayed at his mother's house. I put on my facebook that i'm single. all these people came up and told him that he was single, and he didn't know about it. it's immature of me, yes. he's hiding his phone from me again. I seriously think he might be texting with my mother because they probably think I lost my mind. I took two days off of work. Today I see a psychologist for the first time. She's going to get an earful. I have a feeling I may end up in the hospital because the way I'm treating my mom and "DH" and because I cut off his family as well, and I have been talking about leaving and just being homeless. But I just need some support. It only takes two family members to get a person put in the hospital, I'm seriously afraid that they are conspiring. I'm not crazy, but under so much stress from these events, and I do have issues because of being abused, and I'm acting out of character. It feels really weird that my mom and DH are both against me at this really bad time in life. So, I made a friends only post on facebook and asked for prayers and told people about all that happened. I got a lot of caring reponses and ended up messaging with old friends until late and that kept me from feeling so alone. A few people unfriended me. Probably friends of my mom. One girl sent a psalm that really helped. Just in limbo, just waiting for this appointment. I told "DH" please don't contact me until it's time to go to the appt.