Hello, I'm new to this site, been lurking for a while, had a huge fight tonight and still dwelling on it...
I have two bio children with my SO, daughter 5 and son 1. My SO has an 8 yr old daughter whose mother took off when the kid was a few weeks old and hid from him until about 2 yrs ago when his mom found her on facebook.
Although he did tell me about the kid, I never gave it much thought and I guess never realized I would suddenly have a stepdaughter.
The child has been to visit us twice, but her mother is always calling my SO bitching about money or telling him what a loser he is, suddenly best friends with all of his family on facebook and calling his mom, aunt and sister to chat....so I can't get away from the intrusion into our lives.

SD8's first visit was a huge disaster, her mother went to dinner with us and then dropped the child off for two weeks (with us being complete strangers to SD6 at the time) SD was jeolous of BD and broke her toys, covered our new couches in Peanut butter because they were better than her's, etc. BD cried because Daddy was huging his new little girl, was pretty much traumatized. SD wasn't overly hostile to me, in fact was actually more friendly to me than SO, (told him she already had 3 other daddy's and they were much better than him)but kept trying to climb all over me and actually kneed me in the stomache after i explained she couldn't lay on top of me because I was pregnant. She was very destructive and angry and the visit was expecially hard on BD since daddy was ignoring her and favoring the new daughter (she was very happy when SD left).

The second visit was only 2 days, since we had a newborn it wasn't as bad but very stressful as I was afraid to have her near the baby and just hid in my room "feeding" him and comforting my little girl...I did take her shopping in an effort to bond...she told me all about her 3 yr older boyfriend who likes to touch her butt, so now i don't want BD around her ever. SD also just loved SO to death, sat on him stroked his face coverd him in kisses...but only when BD was watching

SO and I got in huge fight because I ask him to just stay at his mom's with her this time. He feels like that would make her feel like I didn't want her around and that she's not part of the family...and I do feel bad but I don't really want to deal with the stress and really wish she'd never turned up. I feel guilty for how I feel and even bad for the kid because she's had 3 stepdad's she remembers in her life before she even met him and getting dropped off with a ready made family of strangers must have been difficult, but I hate what a nasty, destructive and violent child she is and even more I hate how neglectful of our daughter my SO becomes when shes around and I hate having to be reminded of her existance all the time.

Sorry this is so long, I'm looking for advice on how to mentally/emotionally cope and how to make the visits less horrible and make SO understand how hurtful ignoring BD is and how I can't be happy about this new family member the way he is