Honest conversation with DH
Hello everybody,
After I was sick a few weeks ago and DH acted like I was exaggerating everything, I decided to have a talk with him. I told him everything. That I am tired of this situation and that I want to disengage. That I don't want to be an unpaid nanny and maid. I told him that his behaviors pushed me away to the point where I'm not sure about my feelings for him. He told me he wants to make this work and he will take care of SS whenever he's home.
So far, he's being pretty good at it, and I am spending more time by myself, away from DH and SS4.
Even if DH is doing his part, I am the one that has to deal with SS the most: we have changed 3 different babysitters in the past 2 months for SS, the first babysitter I showed up to her house one day and she told me she had to leave and never texted me or called me back, second babysitter moved and the third has been hospitalized. He had other babysitters in between, and they always had something coming up last minute, so I end up at home with SS basically every day.
SS is also starting to have an attitude: he screams at DH or push him, and with me he cries and pretends to not know how to do basic things. For example, when I am driving he takes off his seatbealt and when I tell him to put it on again( he knows how to put it on by himself) he cries and pretends to not know how to do that.
The other problem is my dog: she is not a family dog whatsoever. DH got this dog for SS (only because BM wanted it) but of course a kid can't take care of a dog, and DH hates dogs. So now it's my dog, because I love animals and I love my dog. My dog doesn't like SS: since he came over to live with us, she has been crazy: she breaks things, gets sick in the house, barely eats, always air snaps at SS or growl at him, not to mention she bit 3 dogs that used to be her bestfriends so now I have to be extra careful with her. DH literally told me if the dog hurt SS he will bring her back to the shelter (not happening, it's my dog), so I told him to just make sure that the dog stays far away from SS. When the dog gets annoyed with SS, DH thinks it's cute and it's just them bonding. Ehm...no. The dog is clearly uncomfortable, and I'm not okay with that.
I don't know why I'm writing all this. I guess I am just frustated and the fact that I am emotionally distant with DH and the family makes everything worst. I can see that DH is fighting for this, but I wonder if I really see myself living like this for years.
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Comments
I suspect the babysitters don
I suspect the babysitters don't like the way your SS behaves. What is your DH thinking of, getting a dog for a 4 year old? I agree with Stepmom2020, the dog would be better in a home where more than one person living there, likes her. In your place I'd either leave with the dog or rehome her.
Kes has it!
Rehome yourself and the dog. The dog will be trainable and once out of the same chaos making you sick as well, will calm down.
Your DH and SS? I'm afraid no training on earth will make him a better parent or the SS behave.
Save you and your dog years of grief and get out.
Glad you were honest
I'm glad you were honest with DH about your feelings on all of this. It doesn't sound like anyone in your house is happy with the current situation. You're not happy, DH is not happy, SS is not happy, the dog is not happy.
You said in your first post SS's mom was supposed to come back in June, is that happening? Has there been any contact? Have you and DH prepared at all for the situation that mom doesn't come back or even if she does your DH may have to make the decision that SS stays with you because that is best for SS? I'm not saying it is, but this is his son and if mom is into drugs/alcohol or generally messed up that may have to be the case. What if mom comes back, takes him and drops him back off again in 6 months?
Little kids need stability, they need to be somewhere and with people where they feel loved and safe. It sounds like your SS is desperate for that security. He's acting out hitting and pushing, and may be acting out with the sitters too, depending on what mom was doing he may have even been like that with her. If mom keeps abandoning him, or he feels like neither of his parents want him, this will get a whole lot worse as he gets older.
There is no quick solution to any of it, this could be years of therapy for SS, and therapy for you and DH and even at the end of that there may still be big issues. You need to decide if you want to be in these relationships with DH AND SS for the long haul. SS is not going to disappear and this is not the relationship that you went into marriage with.
If not you may want to start planning an exit strategy. No matter how much you love DH, no one should spend their life in misery being forced to take on other people's responsibilities, especially with a child. My heart goes out to all four of you (dog included), it's probably going to get worse before it gets better no matter what you do.
last question: why babysitters? Why not daycare or preschool? At least daycare is reliable and he would be socializing with other kids.
For the love of god, re-home
For the love of god, re-home the poor dog. It doesn't get a say in what kind of toxic living environment it's stuck in, and you know if the dog bites the kid that's it for the dog. So you can stay and be miserable all you want, but don't do it to the poor dog who has no choice.
Ok before re-homeing why not
Ok before re-homeing why not try hiring a trainer? I hate when people think the answer is to just give a pet away! And most trainers actually have to train the humans to change behaviors NOTthe dog.
I love my dog too much to
I love my dog too much to rehome her and she is on the older side so she became very used to me and the few times I left her with a dog sitter she sat there whining for the whole day until I picked her up. I love animals and for me my dog is a lifetime commitment. I do my best to give her all the attention possible, and I have decided to keep the dog and SS separated. If SS wants to play with the dog, I tell him no.
BM hasn't called SS in a month, other than texting my DH that she wanted to claim SS on her taxes (not happening of course). She won't come and see him either. However, me and DH will move to another state in a couple of months and we will both have to find new jobs and schools, so DH decided that SS won't be coming with us, he will live with his grandmother until we are fully settled.
SS hasn't lived with BM since he was 8 months old.
I don't know what is happening with the babysitters, because they all told me that he behaves good. However, his last babysitter (the one that was hospitalized) told me that he locked her inside of the basement, that he kept fake coughing on her face, jumping on the couches and got into a fight with her little 3 years old brother to get her attention. So something is going on at the babysitter's house. Daycare and preschools are still closed here unfortunately, or they have a wait list, and he will be leaving in 2 months so it's not worth it. It's just so frustrating because at the end of the day, I'm the one that has to deal with all this stuff...