I need someone to tell me if I am being difficult or if I am being taken advantage of...
Haven't been on here for a long time ... quick background: Been with my DH for seven years, Married almost 3. SS17 and SD15 have lived with us FT for the 3 years. They go to eat with their BM for an hour every other week for an hour. She was neglectful and had them living in a hoarded, filthy apartment - and she was a controlling bitch, thus why they live with us now. My DH - guilty over what they went through, became a full on Disney Dad and waited on the kids like he was their personal servant. I kept begging him not to, as we provide everything they could possibly need, but he kept it up. For my own sanity, I just let him go and mostly disengaged.
We both have work-from-home with occasional travel, well paying jobs. Until this past April --- when my DH was assigned out of town work Sunday night through Thursday night every week. Guess who is in charge of the skids now? Yep, me, good old SM. Disengagement will not work anymore.
Suddenly, I have to deal with two lazy teenagers, who will not lift a finger to help with a thing. All they do is eat, make a mess, stare at phones and video games, and sleep. They both play a team sport that requires being driven to the HS every day of the week, of course at different times for both of them. Back and forth, back and forth. SS should be driving; however, he keeps failing his road test. Means I have to continue to drive him to his million practices (that never end on time) and his part-time job that I FORCED him to get (that back-fired on me didn't it?)
And of course, anytime they do manage to drag themselves out of bed and want to do something with a friend, they ask me to take them. Or when they want something for dinner or whatever, can I make it or can I take them to a drive through? Do they help clean up? Nope. They are used to all of this because Disney Dad has always done it this way. Spoiled they are.
Let us not forget I have a 50 hour a week job that occasionally requires travel. And conference calls. That I need to sit down and concentrate on to get WORK DONE!
Meanwhile, my DH is off living in a hotel, eating restaurant meals and going to bed early every night. No worries for him. He doesn't even have to make his bed. When I have an issue with one kid or the other, he says that he cannot take a phone call. UM EXCUSE ME - but I am expected to drop what I am doing 20 times a day for YOUR KIDS?
Here is where I am kind of on my last straw, and DH is still not seeming like he even cares. Next week their sport camps begin. Here is what I have to do EVERY SINGLE DAY MONDAY THROUGH FRIDAY FOR 2 WEEKS STRAIGHT
* Wake up SS17 at 5am (this is IMPOSSIBLE - I am talking airhorns and ice buckets)
* Drop off SS17 at 5:45 am
* Drop off SD15 at 6:15am
* Pick up SS17 at 7:30 am
* Pick up SD15 at 8:30 am
* Drop off SD15 at 11:45am
* Pick up SD15 at 2:00pm
* Drop off SS17 at 5:45pm
* Drop off SD15 at 6:15 pm]
* Pick up SD at 8:15 pm - sit there and wait until SS17's coach decides to be done. Could anywhere from 8:30 to 9:00
Each and every trip is 20 minutes start to finish. I DONT WANT TO DO THIS!!!!! So my DH is off working out of town and the BM is not involved with her own kids. I am stuck here, trying to manage lazy, ungrateful teenagers (WHO AREN'T MINE) while trying to do my job and my DH is like "What are you so pissy about?"
Then when they DO go back to school, the new battles begin. Getting the two of them up in time so they get ready and don't miss the bus. Making them make their own breakfast and pack their own lunches because I am not going to be their servant and do it like Daddy did. I refuse to have every morning be a disaster of screaming and rushing as they practically miss the bus every single day since they don't go to bed at night. Then for three months they have games or practices every night that require me picking them up (at different times) at the High school. Sometimes away games will require me sitting up at the HS and waiting on the team bus at 10 or 11pm.
I AM SO UNHAPPY. So am I being bitchy and difficult? Should I just shut up and support my husband by doing what needs done for the skids? Or do I continue to give him a hard time that he needs to be more supportive of ME. And at least TRY to get me some help??
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Comments
Agree on making SS get
Agree on making SS get serious about getting his license. Have DH pay for more driving lessons if needed.
Is there another parent to carpool with? Better yet, have them call Uber and make DH pay for it. Or DH can get a new job.
Sit the kids and DH down and tell them- if they do not start helping you, you will not help them. Sports and Sport Camp are wants, not needs. If they want it, they will find their own rides at least some of the time, and will also start helping around the house. Do not give extra rides because they want to go out- you are already doing too much driving.
Email the schedule you posted to your DH and tell him this is crazy and he needs to fix it, now.
Don't wake them up. If they do not get up, they do not go to camp. Same with school- if they do not get up, they walk.
It is time for a come to Jesus meeting with your DH. You will end up losing your job with this madness.
"* Wake up SS17 at 5am (this
"* Wake up SS17 at 5am (this is IMPOSSIBLE - I am talking airhorns and ice buckets)
* Drop off SS17 at 5:45 am
* Drop off SD15 at 6:15am
* Pick up SS17 at 7:30 am
* Pick up SD15 at 8:30 am
* Drop off SD15 at 11:45am
* Pick up SD15 at 2:00pm
* Drop off SS17 at 5:45pm
* Drop off SD15 at 6:15 pm]
* Pick up SD at 8:15 pm - sit there and wait until SS17's coach decides to be done. Could anywhere from 8:30 to 9:00"
Not any more. Drop off both SS17 and SD15 at 5:45am. Pick both up at 8:30am. Same in late afternoon. Drop off both 5:45pm, pick up both at 8:45pm. SD15 can make arrangements with a friend for the 11:45am/2:00pm drop off/pick-up.
Don't cook for these teens. Leave easy foods to fend for themselves. No cleaning up by you. They clean or no rides. Make chore list expectations for each. Not done. No rides.
I feel you're definitely
I feel you're definitely being taken advantage of! DH either needs to get a new job where he can be at home and care for his own kids, or at the very least he needs to have a meeting with the skids and set some rules about them helping out around the house. I also like the Uber idea, brilliant!
Oh honey. No you aren't being
Oh honey. No you aren't being bitchy.
Disengagement can still work to a point. You don't want to have to take care of lazy, disrespectful, ungrateful, unhelpful teenagers. So don't.
They don't wake up for practice, not your problem. Dad wants to throw a fit? Too effing bad sweet cheeks. You can do it your way when you're here, if you're not, it doesn't get done your way. What the heck does he expect when the 17 year old goes (if?) to college?
Tell them you do things for nice people, helpful people. When they start doing x y z chores around the house you will concede to x y z rides to practice. Otherwise, they need to get a friend to pick them up - you are working and you don't give a crap if they go or not.
They ask for rides to entertainment say NO! They ask you to cook - say NO! They're not 5 and 7 - they can make a frigging sandwich for themselves. They want more? Learn how to cook or learn how to contribute to the household.
School starts - they forget breakfast? Too bad, they'll learn and they won't die from missing a meal. Don't make lunch? Keep a box of power bars or something, hand em one as they leave - if they want more or better, they will learn.
If daddy doesn't like it he will change his job or figure something else out. You are Not his child. He does not get to dictate to you that you will do all this garbage for his kids. He will (most likely) be furious and rage at you. He can suck it up. He didn't want your help or opinion when they moved in, he's delusional to think he can just leave this mess on your doorstep now. He's being an enormous a-hole. He has an expectation I would flatly tell him will not be met. Tell him what you are Willing to do, tell him he must figure the rest out and then stand firm and only do what you've said.
There was another poster here some time ago that basically had this happen to her - she had to move out to prove to her now ex that she would not be responsible for kids over whom she had no say and from whom she had no respect.
SS17 works? He can take/pay
SS17 works? He can take/pay for a cab. If he he isn't getting his license-he should get to know the system anyway.
SS15 could do the same, that's a little young still though.
What would he do if you
What would he do if you weren't in the picture?
Whatever his answer is is the answer.
You are definitely being
You are definitely being taken advantage of (and allowing it). There is no way on Earth I would put up will all of that or do all that driving.
Ok, so you need to get some
Ok, so you need to get some clarity.
This isn't your problem. Whew! What a relief!
But you'd like to help DH and the skids out, seeing as how you're a decent human being sharing a home with this bunch.
So, decide what you are willing to do.
In your shoes, I'd have DH buy them alarm clocks and leave it up to them to get up in the morning. I'd also be willing to do TWO there-and-backs per day, the same ones every day (so which ones are those?), and skids will have to pack a meal and a book and/or make friends with other students/campers who are willing to drive them or who have suckers *ahem* parents who are willing to drive them.
Thank you to everyone for the
Thank you to everyone for the awesome feedback! I knew I wasn't necessarily being a bitch... But I didn't want to come off as the "wicked stepmother". But it sure doesn't seem as if anyone appreciates my efforts and it is just expected that I do all of this and step into Disney Daddy's shoes you know?
To answer some of the questions asked:
- both skids sleep through alarm clocks. DH always has to yell them out of bed. He usually prepares breakfast and lunches for them so they can roll out the door at the last minute. And cleans up after
- SS17 only has a permit so he can't drive alone yet. It's hard to get appointments to take your road test where we live, so you take your test weeks apart. He goes next 8/19. If he fails again it would be 2-3 more weeks. Him not driving is a burden. Disney Daddy doing everything for him was a detriment here because DH can't take the road test for SS17.
- carpooling for the camp is proving to be tough ... SD15 is a freshman and brand new to the team. We really don't know anyone older and the kids she came up with parents are in the same boat as me. SS17... I'm telling him to get a friend with a car to drive him, but he is so freaking brain dead most of the time he will forget. Not sure why I care.
- I know I can leave all the mess that skids won't clean up for DH when he comes home ... But I work from home and I don't want my house to be a disaster you know? It is so aggravating to need to constantly babysit and chase after these two mostly grown kids to simply put their dishes in the dishwasher! They don't DO ANYTHING else all day. Why should I have to clean up after them?
- I have been making the skids do chores that DH never did. Hell if I'm taking care of this house alone when two other people live in it. But they half ass it usually and I have to badger them to do what they need to do. I won't do it myself, because that is what they want... But still makes me want to tear my hair out.
-Making BM help is a lost cause. Skids hate her and I'm pretty sure she feels the same about them. The every other weekend visit for an hour is only to keep up appearances on BMs part. If she was asked to help with these rides she would say she lives too far, has to work, blah, blah, blah. I'm certainly not asking her, and my DH will not. Although I'm very resentful that she gets to live her life free of responsibility for her own children after what she put us through when she had custody. She has not come to a single skid game for two years now in spite of having their schedules and the time to do it. I have been to almost every single one. She's a royal jerk.
I just need to be tougher and put my foot down. I just don't want to be hated. Or be miserable in my own home ... Although I am now so what is the difference. My DH is not the easiest to deal with on this stuff either. He wants things done his way. Thanks again for all of your help!
There's no way in hell I'd
There's no way in hell I'd put up with that.
Can your SS ride a bicycle to his job? If not, find one close enough that he can. And no more sports unless he can find a ride or drive himself.
Your DH needs to understand that if you leave him he's going to have to figure something out with his kids so he damn well better work with you to solve this before you get entirely fed up and just leave.
No way I'd be responsible for
No way I'd be responsible for getting anyone that old up in the morning.
And there would be CONSEQUENCES. Leave crap all over the kitchen - no extra rides for you today.