So, this is all completely new to me, I've never written a blog or used a forum before, so please bare with me and apologies as the abbreviations are all a little new to me as well, but me and my DH are at our wits end and need any help or advice anyone possibly has. I also apologise as this may be a long one as there is a lot to explain with it being my first post. 

A little background: We have been friends for 8 years, together for 4, married for 1. We both have a child from previous relationships, my son is 9, his is 10. They have been friends since they were 2 and always gotten along. We now have a 6 week old baby together. 

My BS and DH have the nicest/funniest relationship, they wind each other up and are constantly playing games together and my son confides in him for any issues he may have. The problems we are having are with my SS. 4 years worth of issues, which we finally feel we have hit a wall with what to do. So its probably best we start from the beginning.

We have my SS 2 nights one week and 3 nights the next, usually more and in school holidays we have him the majority of the time. His BM has always been fine with me (I've known her during her relationship with my now husband), however she has always felt she has the control over my DH and shoots him down at every oppurtunity, which unfortunately doesn't wash with me, but we have usually been able to discuss things and come to a civil and reasonable agreement, until recently. 

She does many things we don't agree with, but are also out of our control to an extent. He spends a minimum of 2 nights a week (and has done since we have been together) in the pub with her, including school nights until gone 8/9pm. We have approached her many times, its now just become something that is lied about and hidden from us, not very well, but they try. Hes late for school, 2 hours late not 10 minutes here or there, because shes overslept - however since shes got a job, this seems much better. We have picked him up from her at 3pm before now and she has still been in bed. So over the years i've forgiven some of his behaviour and blamed it on his BM's actions. 

When we first got together we would spend time just on days out the 4 of us and we would have a great time - but my SS manners and general behaviour have always been something we have both picked up on and tried to encourage. Simple 'please' and 'Thank you', moving out of someones way, not interrupting, just little things. As time went on it became bigger things. Almost like he deliberately broke the rules. His BM started a group chat as she was having problems with his general behaviour - biggest one being that he lied about almost everything. She would ban him from electronics - we would support that and ban him from electronics when he was with us as well. Safe to say she isn't so supportive when its the other way round. As time went on, he started to behave for his BM and her partner (or they are oblivious to what he is doing, one or the other), and has always been well behaved for my DH, other than usual kid stuff. However, he has developed a "problem" with myself, which due to hours we all work, means I have him more than his BM or DH on my own. It started with things like breaking a light in the house, lying about it, then admitting later. It then quickly turned into "the look". I would ask him to do something - or more annoyingly just ask him what he wanted for dinner and he would stare me dead in the face and say nothing and turn away. This then became the new normal and whenever I spoke to him he would just ignore me, until me or his Dad stated I had just spoken to him and he would respond with the answer - so had clearly heard what I had said. 

It then developed into deliberately doing the opposite of what I have asked, for example we were looking after our neighbours house cats. He was stood by the front door and the last one to walk in. I asked him to close the door so that the cats didn't escape 4 times, he then stared me dead in the face, smirked and opened the door further. One of many examples I could use from over the years. 

They may sound minor things, but they are all day, everyday that he is here. Him and my BS have the exact same rules and expections from us, they get treated exactly the same and we reward then exactly the same. Simple rules in the house of making sure dirty washing is in the laundry basket, are among many rules my SS feels the need to purposely go against and stuffs them back in his drawers, "because he wants to". He has been banned from having drinks in the living room as everytime you asked him to make sure he put it somewhere safe and not knock it over - it somehow managed to magically get knocked over - this became every single drink he had and on some occasions he has given me "the look" before doing so. 

Anyway - they are the more annoying minor things rather than the real cause for concerns. So over the past year or so I have noticed a real change in the way he has become defiant. From catching him out the corner of my eye pushing down on the cats head, purposely pushing plates to the edge of the table so that they'll fall and break, stomping upstairs "accidentally" (admitted after that it was to annoy me) and tellling more and more lies. Hes made comments about kids at school that have been nasty and lied about being ill so I had to leave work to collect him from school and laughed about it when caught out. 

Fast forward to the past 3 weeks. We have a 6 week old baby, his little brother, which the day he was born I saw a complete flip in his personality and thought we had turned a corner. Since then he has moved the moses basket from underneath him when I was putting baby down and when asked why, his response was to make my life harder. He has become physically aggressive towards my 9yo BS, they have always bickered but never been physically agressive. Hes even more ignorant than before and purposely looks for ways to break rules. 

We have tried every punishment/ reward system possible, missing out on nice things, rewarded if he has good days, ignoring him back. Nothing seems to work. He has never cried about a punishment and I have never EVER heard him say sorry for anything unless told to. The one person he has always been good for is his dad and even that has stopped, which is why we have no idea what to do.

We have sat him down and asked him to write a letter explaining why he thinks its acceptable to behave the way he does, the key points in his response were:

- It's me he enjoys upsetting "it gives him a buzz like winning a game to upset SM" 

- "It makes him feel good to make SM's life harder"

- "Its just his hobby and he likes it"

What the hell am I meant to do with that? When hes been told he needs to stop it and behave hes said he will in the past and that hes going to try harder, after telling us the 3 above statements hes admitted he isn't going to stop purposely being naughty for me as he enjoys it too much. I explained if he behaved instead of not having days out or treats we could be having good times - to which he replied he doesn't like having good times as he doesn't feel like it. Hes admitted he doesn't care if he gets in trouble and it doesn't bother him if he gets shouted at. I asked him if it was ok for me to bully him and he said it wasn't as its not nice. I then asked why he thinks its ok to bully me and his response was " because I like it and it makes me feel good". 

We approached his BM about these comments and his actions and despite the chat she set up for our support in the past, our response was simply - 'It is your little family, you sort it" as you may imagine this didn't go down well.

As a couple and with my BS and our shared son, we are extremely happy, but even my DH has started to not look forward to seeing his own son, he is the only reason me and my DH have ever argued, we both love him so much, but he is not a nice person and clearly doesn't want to be either. We have always been a team and our kids are our kids, not yours and mine. Thats becoming harder and harder the worse he gets. We should be enjoying the new addition to the family, instead we continue this 4 year battle. 

It is really hard to explain how bad his behaviour truly is, or to not come across as just a nag. There is a million other things that could be added to the list, but I have rambled on enough and probably lost peoples interest before i've got to the true concerns, but even so I am willing to try anything, hense i'm here. My DH has always supported me and i've always been 100% honest about how i'm feeling and what has been going on, but this week is the first time my SS has started to treat him the same as he has been treating me for the past 4 years. He has no empathy, no remorse for anything and absolutely no respect for anyone or anything. 

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. We are at a loss of how to punish a child thats not bothered by punishments?