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New baby and step kids

gimmeabreak's picture

Hey all. This is hard for me to write about because the feelings come along with a lot of guilt...but I need to let them off somewhere (I am also booking in with my therapist this week, but would like to know how others have dealt with similar feelings). 
 

My first baby is due in 3 weeks. I'm beyond excited to start a family with my husband but also feeling conflicted emotions about the "ready made" family I am already a part of. Mostly, I'm struggling with the thought of sharing the first few precious days/weeks with my baby and my husband with my two step sons (12/14). I know I am going to be overwhelmed by emotion on top of learning to breastfeed and healing. I don't necessarily want to be doing those things in front of/around my teenage step sons and would like the space to basically be the worst version of myself comfortably in my own home. They also tend to be very clingy and I know they are going to want to hold, touch, play with the baby all day every day and I am worried about that affecting my time to bond with my own child. 
 

I've asked my husband about having them sleep at their moms for the first week so I can adjust to all these new feelings (and have said they can come here after school each day for that week to bond with the baby), and he's been totally supportive of it. However their mother has not, telling me I'm trying to "ship them off" and basically throwing the evil stepmother thing right in my face. I know her, and know that if we try to bring them to her house she will simply bring them right back. That push and pull will be awful for them, so I'm trying to prepare myself to manage the emotions with them around without flying off the handle. 
 

Any advice would be appreciated :( 

Comments

SeeYouNever's picture

BM's will talk trash but it seems like they will never miss a chance to send their kids over when SM has a baby even if they normally will find every excuse in the book to deny visitation normally. 

They know what they're doing, they know what those first few week post partum are like and they are sending the other kids to TRY to impact you're support system. They are trying to prove that the first kids are the priority and make sure dad and you don't forget it. Also the kids will be able to go home and dish to mom alllll about you and the baby and she can hear about how their dad did all these great things with them rather than help you with the baby.

And all this is accomplished by pulling the evil stepmom card. There is no reason for the kids to be there beyond one day to meet the sibling, an extended visit can wait. 

You can look forward to BM going back to the normal denying visitation soon once she has disrupted those precious new mom moments to her satisfaction.

Monkeysee's picture

^^^^^^^THIS

OP if your DH has family that can take the boys don’t feel guilty AT ALL for sending them over. BM does not get to dictate what happens in your home, and if she’s not happy she always could have agreed to switch weeks. Tough luck

You may get lucky though & go into labour when it’s her week anyways, babies don’t often follow our schedules & come whenever they feel like it lol. So there’s always that.

And I agree with the others. You are your babies mother. Your comfort level & boundaries with your baby trumps what the skids want or what makes them happy when it comes to your kid. You get to call the shots, and don’t feel an ounce of guilt about it. I’ve kept skids away from my baby when they’ve been sick etc. They kept telling me they were better but I said no to holding her etc until I felt comfortable they were actually well. 

If you want/need to lock yourself in your bedroom to bond & heal, don’t feel guilty about that either. It’s common for mums to take time to bond with their babies even in intact families, so drop every ounce of guilt you’re feeling & focus instead on the wonderful little person you’re about to bring into the world. 

Also, make sure your DH does everything for his kids during this time, but also makes you & the baby the main priority. The skids cannot be top priority when you’re healing from labour & have a newborn to take care of. They’re old enough to entertain themselves, take advantage of that. Your DH needs to bond with the bubs as well, for this short term period of time it’s 100% ok if skids take a backseat. Again, this happens in intact families as well a lot of the time so don’t let anyone ‘evil stepmum’ you into thinking you’re wrong for wanting the help & support you’re going to need. 

Winterglow's picture

Don't feel guilty. I come from an intact family and when my brother was born (I was 3 at the time) I was shipped off to my grandmothe'rs and had a blast there for three whole weeks! It was considered normal for family to take older siblings for the first few weeks after a baby was born.