My SD

FSD is now 18, her dad and I split up almost 5 years ago. But Steph and I have always remained close. Since dad and I split...Being FSD's sm was easy. Her dad wasn't horrible- we just didn't work out. Her mom wasn't horrible, she just had her own issues that she somtimes struggled with. Her mom was actually quite friendly after she realized I was not interested in taking her place.

After I left, dad went swing shift, which left Steph a new teenager(and her younger sister) alone all evening every third week. FSD started to go down hill, you know, grades dropping, wrong friends, poor choices etc etc. Her dad, who I am still great friends with always complained to me about her defiance and poor choices. I gave him several ideas but it always seemed that once we got off the phone he wasn't interested in actually addressing the issues with FSD.

Over the years her parents have just willy nilly let her move between the homes, neither one inclined to actually put the energy it would take to parent her.

3 years ago she started spending spring breaks with me, when she was with me she was an angel. She is the one who named my home Camp Wolf after I married my current husband. We would wake up at 6 am, do pilates together, then get ready for the day, and when it was time to leave we left the house no matter where in the "getting ready process" she was- (she did have to come to work with me one day with no make up and bed head- only happened once )So she would work with me all day. I would have her do clerical work for me and I paid her. The off to home, we all made dinner together, we ate together, and everyone under 18 got the honor of after dinner clean up!

Then we would do whatever homework assignment I had planned for her (really she didn't know in what century the civil war took place)...then we would go for a 2 mile walk together, them home and bed.

From no structure to every minute structured....and she was an angel! All she needed was structure and attention and the belief that someone truly did care.

Like I said before, she has been self destructive, she's dropped out of school, she was doing pot everyday, dating a drug dealer in prison, (how one actually "dates" someone who is incarcerated I do not know), basically homeless, couch surfing at friends places until she wears out her welcome, no job, no drivers license.

Spent a weekend with her last month, told her there is always a room at my house for her. If I lived in her town I know she would jump at the opportunity. But I live 3 hours away, I think it's a great way for her to have the opportunity to reinvent herself and shake off the reputation of "pothead" or slut(from the sounds of it- aptly earned) or drug dealer's GF. I hope every night that I get the call from her to come get her, I would leave immediately for the 6 hour round trip. We talk every few days, but I see no change yet, no hope in her for her own future. And really the road to a good future for her is going to be tough, she has a lot to overcome, but I know she could do it if someone, anyone would guide her and help her just a little.

And on my end, I know, had I stayed, her life WOULD be different right now and that's a hard pill to swallow.

So if anyone has any ideas on how I can help her my ears are wide open.

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Nice to know your story

Thank you for finally sharing what you are all about personally. Much nicer grounds to meet you on!

I cannot imagine being so attached to SD and then losing her. That is an issue that DH and I have discussed many times. BD and him are bonded like that as well. Now, because of the situation that your SD is in, serious intervention is needed. Have you insisted that she move in with you? Maybe she needs someone to tell her that she needs to make a change. I was in this situation with my niece, exactly what you described. Geting away from the whole life she is living is often what it takes. I moved my niece in with me, but it was still in the same town. She did better, but the influences were still there. My brother ten moved her out of town with another relative and she was able to get clean and stay clean.

Sounds like you really love her and she needs some direction. You have the connection with her that she needs. Stay on her and insist that she come stay. You give her the direction she needs.

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

I would LOVE to insist she

I would LOVE to insist she move in with me! However how does one do that with a young adult who has spent the last 4 months living like a wild child who has to answer to no one....Last year I even asked her parents to send her to me (they both agree that I seem to be the only person in the world she respects) and they both said "well she doesn't really want to leave her friends even though that's probably the best thing for her"...lazy parents

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love."

Tell her, don't ask

Just tell her plainly, " You are gonna come live with me. I need you here with me and we make a great team. I miss you and we have alot of catching up to do. Please come stay for awhile for both our sakes." Make it sound like you need her. Sometimes in her situation she really does want a change, but is safe with her friends and her drugs. Don't force the idea that you want her to change or her choices are wrong because then you will push her away and alienate her.

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

I will try that!!! I will be

I will try that!!! I will be in her town next weekend, me thinks a lunch date is in order, thank you!

I know about the hard pill

to swallow thing. When my SD16 moved out in Feb to live w/her mentally ill mother (seriously, she's bi-polar and schizophrenic) I knew it was going to be a downhill slide for her. I knew she would follow in her older sister's footsteps and basically drop out of school, work a minimum wage job (the rest of her life) and get pregnant too young. I still feel extremely confident that if she would've stayed with us, she would have a very different lifestyle and actually be a productive citizen. This is a sore subject for me, because I do still a twinge of guilt every now and then about her leaving. However, the situation came down to her leaving or me and my sons leaving. She is also bi-polar and sometimes her anger issues created an unsafe atomosphere for our sons, and myself. I could not allow any more of my time to be sucked up by this child that was not mine. My boys were suffering and it had to stop. This does not mean that I don't wish things were different, I do. My hope is that someday she will come around and realize her mistakes and try hard not to repeat the same ones her sister and BM have made.

By the way, thanks for sharing your story and I do hope it works out for your SD.

If she didn't still care

If she didn't still care she wouldn't stay in contact - at 18, i made a lot of bad choices - so much that I got to a point I couldn't make a decision at all - especially a hard one - needless to say I got pregnant again but thats not the point.
I had no parents in my life that would make be me responsible so I learned it the hard way.
That being said - you may need to make it out like its your decision and have her agree to a short term stint - you know, couch surfing again for a month or two. Can you still have her work with you? If so, tell her your swamped and need someone to catch you up and she's the only person you know that can handle it.
Keep us posted and best of luck -

This is a good suggestion

"Can you still have her work with you? If so, tell her your swamped and need someone to catch you up and she's the only person you know that can handle it."

This kid needs to feel that she is valuable. That may be the best thing you can offer her. Telling her that you really need some help, that she did such a good job before, that room and board can be part of her salary, etc.

Then it will allow her to save face. I have done a ton of reading regarding teens in crisis. Saving face is highly important.

But she is 18, and as hard as it may be, there's no way to entice her if she is caught up in being wild and free.

I have offered this to a niece of mine, DH's niece actually, who's mom (my SIL) is pretty much a deadbeat (years behind on CS, doesn't take regular visitation, and even when she does doesn't provide basics like food and electricity.) Her dad provides, but is verbally abusive, as well as physically (throws things at her- like vaccuum cleaners.)

My niece is 15. She is the youngest with two older brothers (who have learning disabilities, including one with Aspergers.) My niece is extremely bright and has so far remained an A student throughout this instability
.
So DH and I offered last year. We took her on vacation with us. I took some long walks and had some intense talks with her about how we are always here if she ever needed to come and stay for good. My MIL has made the same offer.

My niece doesn't want to come. As a matter of fact, her dad is going to Hawiaii on vacation in a few weeks, and since her mom's unreliable or said she couldn't take her, he told her to "find someplace to stay." DH told her the other night on the phone she was welcome here again for a few weeks.

She said thanks but no thanks. She will probably try to get her mom to take her, because her mom lets her do whatever she wants to and there's no supervision.

It's so tough to entice a kid to normalcy and a peaceful home, when they have grown to be accustomed to so much drama in their lives. It becomes addictive to a degree that "normal" doesn't feel right.

I really hope she comes around. I have seen a few young friends do what she's doing now, the couch surfing, not really ever settling down, going from place to place wearing their welcome out by not ever quite contributing like someone who lives there, but staying well past the "fish and company" rule (as in both start to smell after a few days!). It never turns out well.

The last friend of mine to surf my couch stole from me, and ended up being found guilty of identity theft a few months after I last saw her. Her vagabond lifestyle allowed her to never take responsibility for her behavior. No committment.

Sounds like your SD is a kid who could come around if she really wants to. The hard part is figuring out how to enlighten them that normal isn't boring. It's HEALTHY.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra

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