How to deal with anger and hurt without being passive aggressive?
My step daughter who lives with us is 17 years old. I married her father when she was 12. Unfortunately she has mother issues. I have opened my home, heart and everything to this child. I have done everything I can to heal her broken heart. Apparently it's not enough!!!
She just recently told me that she cannot appreciate me. She threw a party at our house. She made a huge mess. She never apologize. I asked her why she didn't care. She pretty much told me that she feels numb about me and it's like whatever when it comes to me. This is very hurtful. Now my heart is hurt and I don't want to be passive aggressive. I am trying not to take it personal but I am. I told her father that I'm going to back off from helping her for a while. Now I have evil thoughts. Like I want to return the Christmas gifts I already bought for her. I don't want to buy or help her anymore. I want to give her the evil eye and say mean things to her. It's like I want to inflict that pain to her that she's given to me. Now logically I know I should not do this because it's not going to solve anything.
I feel like that she does not respect me. That she's not grateful for the things that I've done for her mentally physically and financially.
Her father did tell her you know that she does more for you than own mother has. He told me that he is sorry that his daughter has hurt me and that he appreciates me. He says I'm sure one day she will see that.
I just need some advice how to take not take my anger out on her. }:)
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Comments
I don't think backing off and
I don't think backing off and protecting your heart is passive aggressive at all. I think before you do anything you should express to your SD how deeply she hurt you. Passive aggressive is when the other person is being treated poorly but doesn't know why it's happening to them. Passive aggressive means making people guess why you're being cold or unaccommodating toward them.
As far as the Christmas gifts are concerned,just give them to her and chalk it up as a mistake you won't be making again until she learns to respect and appreciate you.
There is nothing PA about standing up for yourself when people stomp on your heart.
I agee with everything you
I agee with everything you said except for letting SD know why. SD is smart enough to figure it out but dumb enough not to care. SM doesn't owe her shit as far as an explanation. To me that just opens up another avenue for SD to hurt her again.
SM can back off and still remain civil there is nothing PA about protecting yourself.
I get what you're saying
I get what you're saying here. It's just that one of the main things taught in most counseling is the importance of clear communication to convey exactly why your behavior is different even if you think the other person,be it kids a coworker or a spouse,should know why you're doing what you're doing. Leaving things open to interpretation isn't a healthy way to do it.
She needs to know the behavior change comes from a place of hurt and not a place of bitchy aggressive anger. In the long run it does make a difference. It's not teaching SD the tools to hurt OP more Bc once OP shuts down she won't be open for more pain anyway.
But everyone goes their own way and I respect that. The healthy approach doesn't necessarily work for all situations.
Don't say mean things or evil
Don't say mean things or evil eye her.
DO take back the gifts.
At 17 she is well old enough to understand that you are a person, too. Use all the time you used to use on her to do something for yourself.
The rest of us in the world she is about to enter desperately need you to do this. Please do not let her turn 18 thinking it's ok to take take take and be nothing but hurtful in return.
I would take back the gifts.
I would take back the gifts. If it's too late to take back I would give them to someone else. Donate them to a needy family if you have to.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I did this
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I did this last year.^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Felt. So. Good.
When I got back from the donation place so my DH said, "that must have been cathartic." And it was.
I no longer had to look at those gifts in the closet, seething every time. Very freeing for me. And I felt good picturing some needy teen girl wearing brand new nice clothes. SD didn't miss them one bit. So it was a win-win for everyone.
(No subject)
I'm in just about the same
I'm in just about the same position as you Georgia. I have an SD19 and an SD13 full-time. BM died in 2013. I did so much for those girls when DH and I were dating, when we were living together and when we got married in 2010. I kept parenting and making sure EOWE with DH were fun times. I planned fun things around birthdays, holidays, I did all of the legwork to help DH. He was and is still grateful.
Last year after the SDs moved in FT, things got more difficult. No breather on Sunday nights because they didn't go back to BMs anymore. I still walked the walk last year at birthdays, graduations, celebrations of any kind. I helped pick out prom dresses, new shoes for little feet that were growing way to fast!
Then finally with this summer I had had enough. I didn't plan anything for their birthdays. I didn't ask DH what his plans were. SD19 got a last-minute ice cream cake bought by DH on the way home from work and he shopped for a few gifts last-minute. With SD13 I sure as HELL didn't ASK if we were having a slumber party like last year. I just kept my mouth shut. One friend stayed over as a last-minute plan and we all had ice cream to celebrate. I felt so bad for DH because I want to support him in everything, but I forced myself NOT to. His heathens had put me through hell this summer and I wasn't going to be the good guy any longer.
SD19 is horrible to deal with if you ask her anything that requires minimal effort. I pray to God she works FT next summer and doesn't keep my couch warm for hours on end. I am convinced that she has Borderline Personality and Oppositional Defiant Disorder. She is a rude control freak who has NEVER respected me. What's even worse is that on the few occasions when I've had enough and dish it back, she has an answer for everything or else she sits there stone-faced with no expression. My entire argument always exists of how snippy she is with her father and I over the littlest thing. I am afraid I will scream bloody murder at her when she is home from college on breaks. I'm afraid I'll give myself a heart attack. If I disengage, DH will waste a ton of money on an entitled bitch. New textbooks rather than used, car insurance, cell phones.....The lengths he goes to in order to please her are ridiculous, and yes part of my problem is with DH.
Lots of other SPs on here say to let the Skid just have it and go thermo-nuclear on their ass and shock the hell out of them. The only other thing I could do would be to grab her by the arm and escort her to the front door. Then there would be DH to deal with, I will still be the bad guy for all my efforts over the years. These Skids today are entitled POS who can't respect any adults. I just don't get it. I guess I'll have to send SD19 to her room like a little baby and hope that works. I can't be passive-aggressive in my own home. It's not fair to me because this IS MY HOME. I contribute to it each and every day.
Skids just suck, plain and simple. Move out already Skids. Grow up and LEAVE.
~ Moon