DH is really struggling with this...
DH and I had a very strange conversation the other day. It's breaking my heart watching him struggle with this and I'm not sure how to help him.
He has been all over SS12(STB13) alot, about everything sometimes to the point I have to tell him to back off.
We were alone and watching tv and DH says to me "I'm scared. SS is turning into someone I don't like. He's so lazy, disrespectful and inconsiderate and he LIES all the damn time, about everything. I don't know what to do. I feel like I uprooted my whole life and moved across the country after "cuntalotapus" got custody back so SS wouldn't turn into her and he's turning into her anyway. I want to be a good dad but I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle and I don't want to end up resenting him. I feel like I've been putting more effort into DS5 lately because I know he has two parents who care and are on the same page"
I was stunned I didn't know what to say at first. I asked him what behaviors SS exhibits that are like cuntalotapus.
He said "The lying, about everything. His disrespectful attitude toward everyone. He's a slob. He's extremely selfish."
Examples of things that have pissed DH off lately regarding SS (this came from DH-I asked for specific examples)
1. He went in our room and in MY dresser and took DS5's halloween candy and ate all of it and when DH confronted him SS lied and said he didn't. (DH found all the candy wrappers and DS's candy sack in his room.
2. DH asked SS if he had any projects due and if he completed all his homework. SS lied and said no projects and yes all his homework was done. History teacher had emailed us letting us know she was concerned that SS had not completed some of the parts of his history project and science teacher said that SS had not turned in 3 homework assignments and an assignment that was worth a test grade."
3. His blantant disrespect for everyone and everything. Tell him to clean his room. He goes in there and shuts the door and then lays on his bed and watches tv. He leaves to go to his mom's and nothing has been done.
Has anyone else's DH been through this and if so, how did you help him through this. I suggested talking to his therapist. But DH seems to think that guy is only there to help him with his PTSD since it's at the VA.
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Thanks Tog, I wish we could
Thanks Tog, I wish we could too. Wine would be nice.
DH says something similar to me. He says at least I know DS5 will grow up to be a decent human.
Empathize with him. Encourage
Empathize with him. Encourage him to keep trying. And take the TV out of the kid's room, that's not helping matters!
It is heartbreaking to watch a good man struggle with a rotten kid. But it's much better than watching a good man blindly allow a rotten kid to get rottener. Make sure you are seen as and are in fact his teammate. Together you are doing this for the kid's good.
Ultimately, how the kid ends up is up to the kid. GU and DNA are strong, he has a strong pull in the wrong direction. But what a great advantage he has in a dad that really is trying.
Thanks. It's heart breaking.
Thanks. It's heart breaking. I ordered the kids new beds for the new house and they are finally here! I'm going to pick them up after work today and DH says he doesn't want to set up SS's new bed because he found that SS is destroying his dresser top with a pocket knife. *SIGH*
I told him we will just be harder on them. SS got a taste of it yesterday morning. I took DS to school and came home and told him "Get in your room and pick up all that trash (candy wrappers) and make your bed, there should be nothing in the bottom of your closet except shoes. (there was junk)" he got an attitude and asked why I didn't tell him earlier and I said "Because I didn't want your brother to know how incredibly inconsiderate you were when you ate ALL of his halloween candy" He went into his room and shut the door and I walked right in behind him and told him to leave the door open and not to turn on the tv. He is CLEANING. Then when he was done I checked to make sure and pointed out all the things he missed. I also told him that his disrespectful attitude is done. When he comes back from his mother's he needs to have a new attitude.
Last night I bought a giant dry erase board and calendar. DH and I will once again post the house rules and a new chore calendar. I told DH we will sit down with both the boys and explain the rules again and go over the new chore list. He asked if I thought that will help. I told him I'd rather try and it not work than let SS turn into a complete loser and know that we gave up when we still had a chance.
I understand what you are
I understand what you are saying but DH can go overboard. I have zero issues with him being strict. I wish I could explain it. There is a point with DH where I can see he is getting frustrated and angry...IDK....
I don't know if SS fears DH.
I don't know if SS fears DH. I think the anger does nothing. As soon as DH starts lecturing him SS starts crying. *sigh* I never say anything in front of the kids. I usually discreetly poke him or something and it brings him back to reality. Later he'll ask if he was going overboard and I'll say yes.
I think dh should strip SS
I think dh should strip SS room of everything but the bed, blanket and pillows. Let him earn all the other goodies back.
I concur. I will suggest this
I concur. I will suggest this to DH.
Thanks. It's nice to know
Thanks. It's nice to know he's not alone. DH will fight. BM won't take DH to court because she has a shitty attitude and loses every time they go.
Last time she took DH to court she wanted CS. The judge said that she would owe DH like 65.00 a month because DH has more overnights and provides more IE he pays for insurance and all extra curriculars, keeps receipts for clothes, shoes, etc. So then she says she wants custody. The judge asked "why" She couldn't give him an answer. Judge said "Looks like you only want custody to get money from your ex husband which I feel is despicable. The child gets to see his parents roughly the same amount of time and that's what the court wants so something very dramatic would need to happen to change custody." SS saying "I want to live with my mom" isn't enough. They'll want to know why he suddenly changed his mind after doing this way for so many years....
DH would love to be able to
DH would love to be able to coparent with BM but she doesn't follow through on anything. If they agree on a punishment DH is the only one who enforces it. DH even thought about changing to week to week. To see if that worked better than multiple changes in the middle of the week. I think he sees his good relationship with SS falling away and naturally it hurts.