Part 2 from Frustratedstepmom in more detail.....
I sent this out earlier this morning, but because I'm new at this I'm not sure it was sent properly so here it goes.
Wow I was surprised by the support and opinions. It was so nice to hear whether it was good or bad. I do aplogize as I need to make some things clear as I was rushing out on Friday. I think this may help everyone out there understand my frustrations and the last resort in saying I don't want his SD at our home anymore.
Here I go, Sorry, I didn't get a chance to mention her brother is 18 and he never once had any issues with me has always been respectful with me he was 5 at the time. (Therefore to clarify things, she was 8 and he was 5 at the time)I didn't get a chance to bring him up since he has never been an issue in our lives. When I mentioned my 15 year old son that, it is our sone (my husband and I). I believe my SD was jealous from day one and we got along fine or at least I thought we did becasue yes, I did all the things with her, playing with her, buying her things, making sure she was comfortable in the home whenever both of them visted us to ensure they didn't feel like their now half brother was treated any different.
Also the way she talks to her dad is not acceptable and he just shruggs it off or laughs it off anything not to get her upset because she always tries to make him feel quilty and rubs it in that she doesn't see him often maybe 3 or 4 times a year and expects to always be treated like a spoiled brat and don't dare get her upset or she'll say she wants to go or she won't visit in her round about way and sure enough she gets her way. She is exactly like his ex wife and has all her ignorant traits and treats her dad the same way his ex used to, so it's like seeing it all over again. At times my husband would notice and finally admits that she can be ignorant, selfish and just like her mom, but then his daughter just keeps on the guilt of not being around and how she missed out with him and then she's an angel again, well of course in his eyes. I hear so often that dad's are always filled with so much guilt from the ex's and kids (especially if it's a girl child)They know exactly where and how to get to them and yet the fathers falls for it every time, how sad is that. Our son (which we have together) sees the bullshit that goes on and wonders himself why dad would make her do that to me and us. Sorry, but now that's sad and our son understands why his half sister isn't coming to our house because he's sees how she is and can be rude and disrepectful to us or sometimes just to me. That was just another reason why I don't feel bad when I said I don't want her at our house anymore. Basically that is the bottom line how it got worse and it's been this way for the past 2 years, sorry not over 1 year as mentioned earlier. I hope this helps clarifies alot of things and I do apologize for this very lenghty note, but I just wanted everyone to understand it's not like I woke up one day and decided to say no thanks I don't want her here anymore at our home.
My biggest problem is that I have put up with so much for the 18 years and I really can't do it anymore. I think I will have a nervous breakdown.
I hope hearing all of this gives everyone a better idea of all the turnmoil.
So, please, please help me get him to understand where I'm coming from. We tried councelling over 8 years ago, but we still come back to the same shit, plus I'm at the point that I don't care and I can't pretend or fake like my SD does to me or my husband. Let him please see the light!!!
Any suggestions or comments will help!
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I really need some ideas here, can someone out there help!
That sounds like a hard situation
I don't know how you dealt with that all these years! My opinion is that you are putting yourself in a dangerous place right now. Looking at this from a different perspective it must seem to your husband that you are trying to come in between his "new and improved" relationship with his daughter. I understand why you feel this way, I just don't want you to look like the bad guy when your not.
My suggestion would be to tell hubby that you are not in any way wanting to come in between him and his daughter. That it is hurting you the way she continually treats you like she hates you and that is why you get so angry. That you love her but you also love yourself and refuse to let someone treat you that way. If he won't stand up for you then you must stand up for yourself. And part of standing up for your own dignity is not allowing anyone to be disrespectful to you in your own home. Ask him if you and he can come up with a solution that would work for both of you.
If you come to him this way it won't seem like you are demanding. It will also help him to understand where your anger comes from...that it hurts you because you do care about her. Be calm and considerate when explaining this to him and he will listen and be much more understanding.
Thanks mamaceta for your words...
Thanks for your words. Trust me I have tried all that before it reached the point of me saying I no longer want her at our home. He even agreed with me as he saw how it stressed me out and I would even get ill from the stress. I guess he was hoping that in time it would change, but it hasn't. The problem is I really do care to deal with her anymore nor my heart can't take being around her as it will only be fake and I see right through her. Plus it was my SD's jealousy towards me and my son (her SB) that brought all this out!! because I was totally surprised by all of it thinking she did enjoy the time with all of us. Funny though my SS never had no issues, always got along and his so nice and sweet!! humm... makes you wonder!!!. Therefore my husband should see it's a jealousy issue with us or just me (who knows) and she wants me out of his life. How would you feel? Would you really want to stay in this marriage?? I have always accomdated him and my SD in trying to see her and give him ideas on what they can do, so I haven't ever come between them then or even now, which my husband knows and agrees with me.
That's why I'm so stressed because do I leave or stay with him because I don't think anyone would have stayed as long as I did and I don't think he really knows how good he does really have it. Hopefully sooner than later before it is too late and I do leave.
Sorry for the long note, but I just wanted to explain why and how it escalated. Any more advise mamaceta?? Or anyone else out there that can try to relate or any dads or SD that can admit or give insight on this??? HELP!!
Why doesn't he pick
Why doesn't he pick somewhere neutral to see his daughter, like take her out to lunch or something. Right now this seems like a no win situation because now she actually has something to use against you. Something she can go to her dad and be like...see, she really is trying to get in between us. I totally understand why you don't want her in your house and I am in no way suggesting you back down. Does your dh understand why you feel this way? You said that he knows and agrees with you that you aren't trying to get in between them, isn't that all that matters?
From the way I see it, you are never going to change her and if your dh doesn't understand the situation by now then he never will. All I can say is, stand up for yourself and hope for the best.
Mamaceta, your comment
Mamaceta your comment on that about picking a neutral place to see her is what I've been telling him all the time. As I mentioned in my previous comments; I have even offered to pay for him to take her out dinner, movie etc. for the day. My husband dosen't like doing that because he wants to be in the comfort of his own home (I beleive that's part of my SD's doing as well).Does it matter where you meet?? or where you visit?? I would like to know if anyone else knows why do father's always pretend to be blind by their duaghters, or when they don't have thier kids living them, Is it really the guilt????. Anyhow bottom line is, this is the type of SD I've been dealing with and he keeps a blind eye to it. Do you see my delima now and why I'm so stresed out and why I want to throw in the towel. Help!!!
Why don't you beat her at
Why don't you beat her at her own game? IF you think part of this is SD insisting on coming into YOUR home and MARKING HER TERRITORY...so to speak....to cause trouble..Why don't you turn the tables a little.
IF she wants to cause trouble between you...do the opposite...it's the 'you get more flies with honey' kind of deal. How infuriated would she be...to see you & hubby happy & giggly & holding hands & smooching & going out on dates. I don't know what you guys are like with each other after 16(?) years. (We are still very smoochie after 5 yrs for the 95 % of the time we get along amazingly.)
Combine that with ...Why don't you plan your own thing..when she's around. Don't make yourself available for her. She can't manipulate the situation if 1/2 the people she needs to play into her game...aren't there? (And when they are...they are like newlyweds...that'll gag her!!)
Take a vacation...spend lots of time catching up with old friends..visiting relatives...shopping..a spa...an evening course...painting...fun stuff with with you & bro..whatever..you can do.. IF your too busy to cook, clean, socialize, interact, be played, by her....how much time would she spend just 'hanging around' with old boring Dad...and bonding with bro.
If the real reason she wants to be at YOUR house is to cause trouble with you.....how boring will it be for her...if GOD forbid...your not there...there's nothing else for her to do...bitch about..plot against..etc..nothing except VISIT DAD CAUSE SHE LOVES HIS COMPANY WHILE JUST SITTING AROUND HIS HOUSE!!!!!! (SHE will be bored to tears.... after a while....)
It's hard to do when your just tired of it all.....
And throwing in the towel is also an option......but use it as a last resort. (Consider counselling again?! A refresher after 8 years)
If he wants to spend time with her...and you don't for obvious reasons...then don't spend time with her! HE can pay for YOUR hotel/vacation/spa while she's there...if they want to be in the damn house that bad!!!!
This could work to your favour ya know!!!
Thanks lovin-life..
Thanks lovin-life for both your comments it does help to hear your advise. Unfortunelty I did try doing that buy my husband dosen't like me going out when they were around (to keep the peace I did stick around). Given the situation now then it could be different and he may not mind as much, but given the type of person he is (jealous and protective) it may still bother him, but I guess regardless it's the principal that she will feel she can still do whatever she pleases.
So can you please tell me who do you think is the problem here??? Is it really me or the SD???
Having said all that...
HAving said all that...my SIL has banned her SKids...SD sounds like yours but worse...and it's working for her. Hubby would rather it not be like that..but he knows what SD is like and what she has said & done to her stepmother..over many years...(kids are mid late 20's)
So far the zero contact is working for her. It does seem that SD is constantly coming up with excuses to see Dad on the weekends all of a sudden....it's almost like. "That's one day I have him and you don't!" But SIL's cool with it....if it starts to get on her nerves she 'books' in their time together..and he must tell SD that he & his wife already have plans.
So if you can get him on board....it's working for her!!!