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Is it Possible to Disengage when BM Lives in Another State?

Frustr8d1's picture

Submitted by Frustr8d1 on Thu, 09/13/2012 - 3:03pm

I thought I understood the concept, but lately I'm getting confused as to just how to disengage.

First, is it even possible to disengage when BM lives 2,000 miles away and we have SD9 full time? I find myself wanting to disengage from things like buying school supplies, keeping a calendar of all school activities, following through with book orders, giving SD a ride when DH has to work late, etc. All the "physical" necessities. I know some of you think I'm lucky that BM is so far away but it makes it impossible for me to disengage by giving BM the responsibilities she should have in the first place.

With BM not even being in the picture, I can't disengage from those types of things. So, I find myself trying to disengage in other ways, such as letting DH handle SD's questions, homework, requests to play, etc. All the "emotional/social" necessities.

So, I feel extra guilty because normally I would be completely involved in emotional issues but with the past year being full of shitty treatment from SD, hostile notes left for me, and treating my own family (my mom, aunt, & sisters) like complete crap, I just don't want to be overly involved with SD. If you've seen my past posts, she's been a horrible, lying, manipulative child with a very difficult personality to be around.

Comments

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Thu, 09/13/2012 - 3:11pm

First, is it even possible to disengage when BM lives 2,000 miles away and we have SD9 full time
+++++++++++++++++++
I am probably going to get slammed for this, but I do not think anyone should marry a man with young skids and not try to be a mother figure.

If the kid was 13,14,ect, then yea maybe, but not a 9 year old. I feel terrible for skids who really have no mother, and the step mom flakes out on them too.

I was TOTALLY disengaged, but my skid was 16 when he moved in.

EDIT TO ADD...I don't meant "flake out" the way it sounds. I also just read a few of your other blogs and if Dad will not give you permission to discipline the way you see fit, then you should be able to disengage to a point.

Frustr8d1's picture

Submitted by Frustr8d1 on Thu, 09/13/2012 - 7:21pm

Not to "slam" you for this, I mean you DO have a valid point. But, "I do not think anyone should marry a man with young skids and not try to be a mother figure" I'm laughing at myself because I KNEW and I battled with the urge to marry a man with a young kid. But, many other factors were involved, including DH had just helped me through a life-threatening brain tumor & brain surgery, I had a close connection with DH's mom who died of breast cancer, and before my brain tumor was discovered, DH & I were both dealing with military deployments to war zones. So, it's quite complicated.

Bottom line is, I chose this HELL, but was not at all expecting to be the full-time mother for SD. And, I had no idea she had so many behavioral problems & issues! Her BM "flaked" out on her by getting busted for 3 (not one, but THREE) felonies and was forced to go live with her younger brother. So, DH figured he needed to save SD and took full custody. Shortly after my craniotomy, SD was thrown to me full time in the middle of my painful as hell recovery.

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Thu, 09/13/2012 - 3:22pm

If your DH expects you to do things for his daughter, then he needs to give you more support and permission to discipline, if NOT...then yes disengage, no matter how far away BM lives. Your DH is responsible for his daughter, NOT YOU, no matter whether BM lives close or not.

Frustr8d1's picture

Submitted by Frustr8d1 on Thu, 09/13/2012 - 3:29pm

I was the mother figure (SD's only mother figure) for the past 3 years full time with no visit from BM. After DH coaxing and pressuring BM into visiting SD this summer, she finally took SD for 8 weeks. SD came back completely a different person...rejecting even a "Hi" from me...sitting at the dinner table backward in her chair...not saying a word to me...hiding in her room for hours on end.

DH & I even tried to have a heart-to-heart talk to explain a few things but SD just completely zoned out then got up and left. Even though I was never disengaged for the past 3 years, I now find I need a way to cope with this "new" behavior. If I can't cope, I fear everything WILL fall apart since I was the only mother figure for much of SD's life.

Maybe it's only a temporary transition because of the sudden summer visit after no contact for 3 years.

Frustr8d1's picture

Submitted by Frustr8d1 on Thu, 09/13/2012 - 3:30pm

Thanks, Hanny. I just see some stepmoms are able to tell DH to have BM pick up the kids or take care of this or that. With the distance, I can't do that.

Not_what_I_wanted's picture

Submitted by Not_what_I_wanted on Thu, 09/13/2012 - 4:07pm

Its really difficult when BM is out of the picture, for whatever reason. We seem to get stuck filling a role we weren't necessarily prepared to fill. I also got SD9 full time with no help/visitation, etc. from BM so i know EXACTLY what you are going through. We can try to disengage all we want, but its really difficult. DH expects us to pick the "missing mom" slack, whether they say so or not.

And when the skids misbehave, and you just hate the BM even more for putting you in this situation, there is nobody to help you.

I am sorry for your predicament as well. It really, truly sucks. I am in the same situation, same fulltime hell. I dont feel guilty, however.

almost new mom's picture

Submitted by almost new mom on Thu, 09/13/2012 - 7:34pm

i feel the same..i disengage alot when it comes to simple things as watching tv with them because there is so much resentment at this point...the site of my husband and my stepson disgust me at the moment...so instead of going crazy i leave them to sit and be by themselves i dont engage...i wasnt always this way..but self preservation is what is important at this point...i also dont attend any activites anymore due to i ave given and given and smack the disrespect and so on..i cant leave the door open for that to happen anymore because i have reached the end for the moment...i understand the feeling you have to have another life...you feel an outsider and no one can survive like that so you form your own life in order to deal with it.....for example they are in the living room watching tv and i am in our bedroom on this website...its a good venting place for me!!!!