So, here it was - the first time I get to encounter some skid issues.

SO's S7 has been an absolute gem for the 5 months or so I've known him. He gets excited when I spend time at the house (every weekend, and occasional days during the week) and he seems very comfortable around me, always engages me, wants to play, etc. There aren't any problems with jealousy of affection, etc.

Seems to me like in the past week, he's going into "testing" mode. I'm thinking he's figuring out just what kind of relationship I'll have with him. I figure it's time to figure out how to handle this with SO right now.

S7 plays M rated games and watches youtube videos about them with adult language on a regular basis. I don't agree with this, but it's not my problem. Last weekend, SO is in the next room, S7 and I are watching World's Dumbest and a guy in one of the videos wrecks his bike.

S7: "I'll bet that guy was PISSED about that!

Me: "S7, watch your words..." (gently, because I don't know yet how SO would handle it)

S7: *giggles* "Yeah... (something something) I'd be PISSED about it though..."

Me: "S7..." (a little more sternly)

SO, from the kitchen: "S7, you getting in trouble in there? Who's ready to eat?"

Me: "..."

SO didn't actually hear what he said so I brought it up after bed so I could ask how he would have handled it. SO says he doesn't care if S7 says "piss" but would care about "real" curse words. Now, I understood when I was growing up that "piss" was a bad word, but also kind of agree that it isn't so bad. And also, if SO isn't concerned about that particular one but has a reasonable line he expects S7 not to cross, I can go along with it. Not my kid, not my problem. All I said back was essentially "Well, I hope he can understand that he might be able to say stuff like that at home but might get in trouble around other adults or at school." SO says, "I doubt he would get in trouble, but the fact that he ignored you and said it again right away is more of a problem. GO SO!!! and thank you for seeing it! I agreed, and we agreed to set a response to that another time.

This weekend, SO is cooking, and S7 and I are working on a lego building scene for his snipers and machine guns. I've got an awesome house built with two levels, impact damage, flames, the whole nine yards. He got a little impatient while we put the roof on, because (as I explained to the budding engineer) it wasn't stable until the top piece was in place. The building is all finished and S7 can't figure out how to fit one of his guys inside without taking the roof off.

Me: "S7, bring it here, I'll help you get put him where you want it. The roof doesn't need to come off, I'll show you how."

S7: "But he doesn't fit..."

Me: "He'll fit, don't worry, I'll show you"

S7, angrily interrupting: "SHH!"

Me, a little stunned: "Come on, S7, bring it here..."

S7: "GO AWAY."

Me: "..."

*think*

Me: "S7, I know you're frustrated but it doesn't have to be a problem. I am happy to help you, but you don't need to..."

S7, glassy eyed, staring at the TV: "LEAVE ME ALONE."

Me, quietly but seriously: "Well, we'll take a break, then."

I sat for a minute and strolled off to let SO know what happened. He says, "Yeah, just give him a few and he'll get over it." I told him okay and didn't say anything else.

The rest of the day was fine, S7 calmed down, we played a little after and BM showed up to take him for the week. I asked SO later how we should handle that, because I don't like him shushing me or thinking I might just go away if he tells me to. SO answers "I'd tell him, 'S7, that's not how we handle being frustrated' and if he keeps up with it, he can take a time out."

Okay, yes, agreed! I haven't seen this with S7 before, but now I know how SO wants me to handle it. So happy we can talk about this, SO cares how his son sees me, and wants to make sure he respects me. Yes another reason why I feel that this situation is workable, and wonderful.

Right now, though, I'm scared. SO and BM, though they've been separated for over a year, are just getting their paperwork finalized. S7 still sometimes wonders if BM is coming home, even though he's been shuttling back and forth from his dad's place to her house with her BF the entire time. SO tells me it's time to have another talk with him about how this change is permanent, and his mom is never, ever coming home. I think SO has avoided this particular talk, partly because he is afraid of conflict, and also because he was waiting for her as well for a long time, and even though he's accepted it now, nothing has happened to etch it into reality like the court papers have.

OUCH.

I can't imagine how much it must hurt to have to tell my kid that. And yet, I have selfish feelings about it. I do not want to be perceived as the cause of this, even though I came along many months after she left SO for her boytoy. I wonder if S7 has to grapple with this now, he might transfer his heartbreak on to me. As much as I feel for S7 having to truly accept the reality of this, I am terrified that my potential place will be compromised because it wasn't addressed before I came along.

Poor S7. I don't want to be his mom, but I do want him to respect me. I don't want to be blamed for his family falling apart. I would like my presence in his life to be positive. Being around him makes me want to have my own kid, and to give him a sibling (his mom probably won't if she sticks with her BF - he is older and has kids in college). Above all, I want him to be happy, SO to be happy, and I also want to protect my own happiness as I blend into this family. Because it really is beautiful, and worthy of the extra effort.

SO! How would you all have handled those little situations? I know they're the kind of minor things that happen all the time with kids, but I really believe it is important to set a precedent NOW, before any big problems come up.