Im glad you are here and sorry you need to be here.

I recomend that you should read around here and see how your stories mesh with others stories. knowledge gives you power.

Sounds like a super high conflict bio mother (HCBM) and maybe his lawyer isnt the best of the best (I dont really know this part at all, husband and ex used a paralegal to mediate everything, and child support was filed after we got married).

What your HCBM is doing is called "parental alienation", and it sounds like its successful. What happens is that the bio parent will brainwash the kids, and then tell them "see, daddy doesnt love you like I do, he wants to start a new family without you", and all that cripe. And it works!

Good luck to you. All I can say is document and date, dont live together until all the child custody and divorce is worked out.

This chick is crazy and out to get you. No matter how "amazing" your SO is, she will always be lurking in the background like a bad case of herpes, waiting to flare up if given the chance. How are you hearing about all this?

The only defenses in this case are good boundaries. There needs to be a CO, preferably one with exchanges no more often than weekly. Best case would be that it would be at school or daycare, where whichever parent who has them just picks them up on their day, minimizing contact. If not that, in public or in the driveway, at the same time every week, and the kids just come out to the car. Communication is strictly through the app, strictly about kids' needs, no phone or text unless it's a hospital-level emergency. Any CS is mailed or paid through the state so no squabbling or nickel/diming.

If your SO can't do the above, your future with him is bleak. ETA 4 stepkids under 12 - yeesh. Do you want your own kids? That may be difficult. ETA again - call the kids whatever you want to as long as it's not vulgar or insulting. She will hate you regardless. 

He needs to stop playing legal footsies with his STBX, end her denying his parental rights, destroy her legally, financially, socially, etc... and protect himself and his children.

I would get a lawyer and sue if I were you. Stalking, defamation, etc, etc, etc......

You and your SO coordinate your legal assaulth on this asshat BM. Hire a PI and document every little thing she does.

BM gets zero say about what you and SO do with his children when they are with their dad.  

This whole sitaution is infuriating beyond measure. And I just read it. You are living it.

Time to start to arm these kids to protect themselves from the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool contributed by their batshit crazy evil toxic POS mother. Arm them with the full facts. In an age appropriate manner. All of it. Every manipulation she plies, her lies, etc....  Kids need the facts to recognize toxic manipulation. She will never end her crap. Not as the grow up, and not after they are adults.  Give them the tools to recognize her crap and protect themselves from it.

I am so sorry you, SO, and his boys are suffering this crap at the hands of their mother.

We dealt with a toxic opposition during the 16+ years my SS-31 was under a CO.  We adopted the full facts for the Skid model as their toxicity escalated as he grew up.  Eventually he knew it all and knew when they were lying and manipulating. He started calling them on it in real time when he was in SpermLand for visitation.  They did not end their manipulation attempts when he aged out of the CO.  He has needed those facts to continue to protect himself from them as an adult.

The 12yo may be too far gone and could be beyond salvage from the toxic clutches of BM. Save the ones you can.

My SS-31 is an only child in our family but the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by three different baby mamas.  My SS is an outstanding man of character, honor, and of standing in his profession and community.  Spermidiot spawn #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind the inmate.  We could minimize SS from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. His three younger half sibs had no choice but to wallow in it full time.  The odds of a positive outcome for CODs is much better for those primarily influenced by the quality side of the blended family equation.

The facts matter, make sure the kids have them.  Make zero tolerance of toxic BM crap and full confrontation the default for any crap she pulls. 

Lather, rinse, repeat

The equity life partnership between you and your young heroes' bio dad is their grettest blessing.  Maintain that partnership as your joint priority, and the kids as your joint primary repsonsibility by protecting them from BM, and their odds of successful viable adulthood are far better than if you play footsy make nice nice with BM.

Welcome by the way. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, a pick up some useful perspective and advice from others who are living the blended family adventure.

 ( I call them my boys/men/guys/heros)

Don't do that. They are not your kids.

Your boyfriend will get hammered in court for that. Judges do NOT take kindly to girlfriends who behave that way. You know it upsets her right? But you are still calling the kids, MY boys? 

Why?

Just stop.  You will cause your boyfriend a lot of probems.