I think I made the final visit today to the house to clear my stuff- as I say, think but there really shouldn't be any need for me to go back. I went alone, and tears were shed.

Whilst I waited for the movers to arrive I took down the curtains and said my good-byes. In every single room I placed a hand on a wall and said the following prayer:

' Lord, thank-you for all the happy times I have had in this space, for all the people who came here to visit and who shared this space with me; my children, my grand-children and all my family and friends. Help me to get over this loss and move to a  bright future filled with hope and gratitude. Bless all the people who will now come and enjoy this space, may they feel the love in these bricks and stones and may it help them to love this place as I have done.'

Finally, I went into the garden and did the same- I found it very cathartic after all the negativity and bitterness, and the movers arrived shortly afterwards almost on cue.

My prayers didn't include the X - I didn't feel generous enough and this was for two reasons:

One- I don't know why but all the little notes I left on the kitchen counter are still there- I was puzzled as to why he hadn't thrown them away (maybe he didn't even read them?) so I scrunched them up and threw them in the bin.

Two- there were papers on the kitchen table with details about the place he was buying, I took a snap of the address and wondered if he had left it there deliberately for me to find? Maybe I was wrong, but I read that he was paying less for this property than I am paying for mine. I could jump to some conclusions from this: a)- that he cannot affford anything better due to debts, or not being able to get a loan, or not having much of a pension after all or b) he is planning to buy another boat, or give his pension to his kids as I suspected he may do all along. The property is not in a nice place but very close to where his kids and BM live. What made my hackles rise was that earlier this year, when he revealed that he wanted to leave me but wasn't  sure when he would have told me, I asked him where he was going (at the time a part of me thought he was joking) and he told me a specific place- that place was exactly where he has bought this apartment. So, I suppose I felt that he had planned this for months, if not years, and had just been waiting his moment...

So, yes I felt bitter for the shortest time, that he could have been so cowardly and waiting for me to make a move so he would seem like the victim... 

I suppose one of the ironic things is that the apartment he has bought is almost identical to the one I currently rent because I looked it up when I got home!

So I am asking myself why he would have left those papers out- did he want me to see them? And why keep my notes?

The papers were unsigned- why isn't he getting on with it?- now I've been told the completion may have been put back by as long as a month as he isn't ready to move. I really hope he isn't having second thoughts as I am desperate to secure my purchase and can't do that until the money is freed up. I really do hope he isn't going to mess me about on this one...after today I am so ready to move on...