It has been six months- how little did I know that it would take so long to get myself back, and maybe I'm not quite there yet but the journey is a whole lot easier, so the destination is of less and less consequence.
When I came to this site I had become a person I didn't know: anxious, depressed, withdrawn, frustrated. I have had such a tough journey through my life and thought I had created a haven for myself here with DH, that after a lifetime of struggle and relationship problems I had arrived in a place where I found some peace with a lovely man who adored me.
The only blot on my life was OSD, she was the one I moaned about constantly to friends and family, every week there was a new drama, a new reason to dislike what she was doing to my 'peace' and a new reason to be frustrated with DH and his doormat ways.
I came to this site because I realised there were many many others like me, and that I wasn't being neurotic or mean-spirited.
However, it soon became clear that it wasn't OSD at all but DH's attitude to his daughter, his other kids, his job, his life, his everything... when the light came on it was hard for me. DH didn't seem to love me at all, he thought he loved the person he had seen when we first met- but I changed, I didn't need his money, his 'status' or even his company. I certainly didn't need his offspring.
Yet, I still love him and I'm very grateful to him for helping me through a very difficult time in my life.
Over the past few months I have ridden the roller-coaster- I have had many sleepless nights and tired days, wondering if I should leave, go to counselling (again!) try to talk to him. Over and over I tried to reconnect with the old me- the independent, optimistic, hardworking, generous person I really was, and slowly but surely I have not only got myself back, but realise I cannot return to that needy, gentle person DH thought I was.
Where we go from here I'm not sure but I do think we have both grown a little. We are reclaiming that space that we created together- we don't talk deep and meaningful but mundane and ordinary- I have learned that is the level at which he is comfortable. We are reclaiming our shared physical space- that, 'just us' space that seems to have been infiltrated by his entitled family. No- you are not entitled to me folks, and you will only have me from now on on my terms.
I rarely see his kids, I haven't seen his grandkids for three months. I don't miss them. I don't even ask him how they are and I think he is just beginning to understand why. They have no right to my company or even my interest. It may seem sad, but to me it is just right.
And I owe it to you wonderful women and men on here- all those who have struggled with their identity and self-esteem,sometimes only realising what they had become after years of neglect and disrespect.
Thank-you. I am going to be hanging around for a while, because I'm not stupid enough to think a magic wand has been waved. His family are not going anywhere, and OSD might still be cooking up a plan to disrupt my life again, but it will only happen if I let it.
I hope that all you posters going through hard times right now recognise something of themselves and see that you can get through this- just start to love yourselves a little more.