So here goes my very first post here folks, so please be gentle...

I, like many of you from the posts I read, despise my SS9, or should I say "ex step-son."

I met his father when he was about 9 mths old. We had a brief courtship before we married (stupid, I know). My first marriage, his 2nd. He had no children with his first wife. My SS's BM was essentially a bar rat, hoping to land a gainfully employed man like my XH. He best described their relationship as "FWB," but when she came up pregnant (shocking, I know), he urged her to terminate the pregnancy. She saw a fat CS check and Section 8 housing in her future, so with stars in her trailer trash eyes, she declined. Shortly before our wedding, my XH won the custody battle and gained primary residential custody. She was ordered to pay $0 CS. Nice.

The first red flag was about a month after our engagement. I had full intention of treating both of our kids equally, and I tried. I just remember baking cookies one evening, repeatedly and gently nudging my SS1 out of the kitchen so he wouldn't get burned, but he wouldn't listen. After touching the oven for the 3rd time, I tapped his hand. He began shrieking uncontrollably and my XH came rambling down the stairs, swooping him into his arms, asking me "What did you do??" I told him how I repeatedly warned him, he didn't listen, so I did what I would've done to my DD. In a huff, he turned on his heels and carried the little prince upstairs. That's the day I saw the writing on the wall.

Shortly after we married, I sold my house and moved into his home with my own DD, then 9yo. I had been a single mother to my DD since she was born and I was working full-time and going to school at night. It took me 3+ yrs to finish my 2 yr degree. My graduation ceremony was about 2 mths after our wedding. My family was excited to see me walk the stage - too bad it didn't happen. The day of the ceremony, my DSS-16mo, conveniently came down with a fever. I attributed it to teething (hello, this was not my first rodeo) and proceeded to get ready. When I noticed my XH was not, I asked him when he was going to get dressed. That's when he told me he wasn't going because SS had a fever. I was both livid and crushed. How could I attend my own graduation without my new DH there? My family would be disgusted if he didn't show! I had worked so hard for that day...so many nights and P/T conferences I missed and ruthless homework assignments into the wee hours of the next workday. How.Could.He.Not.Go? I begged, I pleaded, I reasoned, with tears in my eyes for him to go...it was THAT important to me. He flatly said no. I was so hurt, I called my family and said I wasn't going so don't make the trip. I never walked the stage for myself or my family because of this little shit and his foolish father. This would set the tone of our entire marriage.

I resented that kid since the day I married his father. In our wedding pics, there he was, crying on his father's hip as we entered our getaway limo (yet another sign). I hate that photo. Then there was my college graduation. A fever, perfect. I swear, many of you will agree, I think even when they're young, they figure out how to manipulate their parent to your disadvantage. What made it worse is that my DH never, EVER tried to proactively build a relationship with my DD. When I saw that no matter how much I encouraged him to interact with her, he had no desire to establish that connection. So in my mind, why should I try with his son?

When my SS was 3, I gave birth to our DD. I remember hoping for a boy at every sonogram because I so badly wanted a son of my own, perhaps to even compete for affection against my SS subconsciously, as awful as that may sound. I remember being so disappointed when I was definitively declared to be having my 2nd DD. If my XH wouldn't bond with my own DD, how in the world would he relate to another D? I just recall my SS being so high maintenance and clingy; my family would try to bond with him and he'd be stuck like velcro to his daddy's side, downright diverting his attention, keeping my XH from socializing. I began getting so embarrassed, especially when my immature brothers even started joking with me privately that my SS was gay (since he acted like a helpless little girl instead of rugged little boy), not that I would care - it was funny because my DH was so macho and sports-oriented.

I remember losing my cool a few times and having nasty arguments with my XH about my needy SS. I think I even admitted that I became jealous of the time and attention he devotes to him, at my expense. I remember being pissed when I was 8 mths pregnant, carrying in groceries by myself while DH and DSS were literally playing in his bedroom above the garage, knowing full well what I was doing. I f'ing hated seeing his little face every other weekend and every other freaking weekday. I didn't like him, and rarely would I try to engage him. I resented every single one of his birthdays, reluctantly taking pics for my husband. After a few years, I flat out refused to. Our house was so divided, I never even cooked dinner in 8 yrs for the 5 of us (except for holiday dinners). When I cooked, it was always for me and my girls. Never him. XH made it crystal clear I wasn't needed for that. We were the epitome of dysfunction. My SS could do NO wrong in that house and it was infuriating.

Don't get me wrong; our marriage had it's share of other problems, especially my XH's battle with alcoholism (he was a "closet alcoholic") and my battle with depression. During our 8 yr marriage, I left him twice before following through with a divorce on my THIRD departure. Separation #1 lasted for 6 mths, #2 lasted for 18 mths, and this time, I went through with the divorce (much to my ex's dismay and begging not to) and I have been gone over a yr. The divorce was final 6 mths ago. I can honestly say I have not missed my SS not ONE single day since I left. If I never see him again, I'd be totally fine.

The only problem I have is this - after all of our struggles and years together, I still consider my ex my best friend. We get along fabulously as friends, but I told my XH not long ago that I couldn't be with him unless his son goes and lives with his BM. He indicated that will never happen so I know "we" will never work. Now my SS is 10 and I have to see his greedy little face at my DD's soccer games; it takes all that I have to greet him. The whole time she's on the field, he's loudly cheering her on, in such a way to get his daddy's attn. But the day my XH blew off our DD's soccer game in favor of my SS's football game...well, let's just say I wouldn't speak to him for 2 mths afterwards. My DD always plays 2nd fiddle to her brother and that pisses me the F off. It makes me sad, because I do still love my XH (now, being IN love, I don't know about that), but I can't take my SS's presence. I just can't anymore. I'm so jaded by this whole thing that I swore I would never date another man with kids in the home. No freaking way am I doing this BS again!

I would love to hear from any of you if you have any thoughts or can relate to my frustration. I'm so glad this website exists and I look forward to bonding with other empathetic souls on here. Thanks for reading my first blog post ever, too!