Vented to DH about SS and SDIL and it felt sooooo good!!!!
Since DH and I have been under-going a ton of therapy he's been more open to hearing me vent. I've realized that for quite some time I've held a lot of resentment towards SS33 and SDIL30. The two met ten years ago and ever since, SS has not spent so much as one family event with the DH clan or our immediate family. It's all been SDIL's clan. A few years ago, SS told SDIL that he had not spent a Christmas or any other major holiday family dinner with the DH clan since they got together. SDIL immediately agreed and promised that they would attend our Chirstmas event. Well, SDIL's parents were manipulative and paid for plane tickets to make it so that the kids couldn't say no and of course we got blown off and SS and SDIL went off to spend yet another Christmas with SDIL's folks.
Over time, I noticed that SS never made any effort to make it to our side of the family's events. His and SDIL's claim was that she comes form such a huge family that they have tons of weddings. Well, how is any family so big that there are weddings every weekend? I call bullshit on that and it was clear to me that SS had no interest in his dad or our side of the family any longer. Over the years, DH would send a gazillion messages back and forth trying to arrange a date that SS, SDIL and SD could attend. Of course it was always up to me to hold more than one sitting for Christmas dinner, or have it on a stupid day. Even then that never guaranteed SS' attendance. I don't know how many times he'd cancel at the last minute claiming the flu only for me to see pictures on social media of SS and SDIL yukking it up at a party, her parents' and even fucking BM's. Then, there's SDIL's social justice crap on steriods. I mean I"m all for advoacy but this woman is at a whole other level. No one can open their mouth without SDIL's two-cents worth on some social justice thing and about how it's not her fault for being rude because she has ADHD. It's exhausting. SDIL has even spent exhorbitant amounts of money on tickets to weird dinners, which I can't mention or it'll be obvious who I am, and even SS has questioned it. So, there's that issue that I'm sick of as well.
A couple of years ago, DH decided that he's sick of trying to hold Christmas dinners etc. He changed it to just treats and card exchange since SS and SDIL supposedly are never available. Those treat and card days are always on a stupid day nowhere near Christmas, yet SS and SDIL can make great efforts to visit her folks or BM. Well, I'm done!
The day after Canadian Thanksgiving, I posted an event in our family group on FB. It's for Christmas dinner on the 25th. I informed DH and told him that I want Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. Why should I go without all because SS and SDIL won't make an effort? DD, SD and I count too and we want the dinners. Since I'm the host and make almost everything, I have full say. It's also my house. I get to decide that I want those dinners and I will not hold them on a stupid day. They are the day of. If SS and SDIL want to make the same efforts that they do for SDIL's parents and BM, then geat. They are welcome. But since they don't seem to give a damn about our side, then they can just go to her or his folks. I mean SDIL posts all over social media how BM is the best MIL ever, so let BM host them. I'm done.
Of course, SD accepted the invite to indicate that she was coming. Just as I thought. I may bitch about SD a lot but she does make efforts to attend family events. DD responded and said she's helping out and attending. Great. Still not a damn thing from SS or SDIL. Well, enough said. They're obviously not coming. We know they've been on FB plenty of times since I posted the event. I vented to DH and said I'm tired of those two and I will not ever make efforts for them again. I will post events and they can come or not. I don't care. I told DH that it's up to him if he wants to continue sending a hundred messages back and forth to accommodate them but they'll only cancel due ot the flu like they do most of the time only to go to BM's or SDIL's folks' event. We've often found out that BM and SDIL's family have bought tickets or done something to make it so that SS and SDIL can't say no and if those two, who are in their 30s can't see how their damn families are pulling stunts to divert them away from us to stick it to us, then so be it.
It may be that SS is pissed off that SD has gone no contact with BM and is withholding SGS from BM, but I don't know. SD has remained NC from BM for almost three years now.
It's so ironic because SS hated BM since he was 13. He stopped going to her house after school on her days starting at age 13, but now all of a sudden he claims to be "super close" with his mum. SDIL was raised in a happy happy joy joy family, so she probably doesn't understand how a parent can be a narcissist but who knows? It seems that we've lost SS and SDIL to BM. Who knows what lies she's told SS and SDIL about DH, SD and I. SD has told us that BM still really trash talks DH and we know that past BFs and GFs of both SKs have looked at DH and I sideways and have even refused to come to our house for events after meeting BM. DH would always claim he didn't give a shit about what BM says about us. During my vent I said that what if what BM said was the very reason DH lost his son? I'm really tired of this act of DH's that he doesn't care or doesn't notice. I also told DH I don't want to hear his excuse with that saying about how, "a son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all of her life." Bullshit. SS is being an ass and he's totally under BM's and his inlaws' spells. I'm sick of it and I'm sick of not speaking of it. I told DH that I'm not going to say a word if that's what he's worried about but I refuse to be shut down anymore. I want to vent. In the end, DH agreed with me and let me say my piece. He feels the same. I told him that next year I won't even post the event in the family group. I'll just invite SD and DD and not say a word to SS or SDIL. I'll leave it to them to ask sometime down the road why they haven't been included, if they even give a damn enough to ask. If they do, I'll tell them.
But man! Did that ever feel good to finally let all of that out to DH! For so many years I wasn't allowed to say a word about the precious poopsies or I'd get my head ripped off. Anyway, DD and I are happily planning our dishes for the Christmas dinner.
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Sounds good
Just let them go, I can tell you're already doing that. It sounds like you've really been thru it. I agree, I'd plan my events when you want and that's it, no special arrangements. I would still include them in the FB announcement but nothing further.
With my SKs, I go with the amount of contact they seem to want. OSS61 seems to call every few weeks to check in plus he's here weekly in the summer for the grass and as needed in the winter. YSS57 who lives out of town calls about monthly but we haven't seen him in years. SD63 calls DH when she needs $ plus comes over monthly with her "rent". If nothing benefited her, I dont think we'd ever see her which would be fine with me.
Yay for you! Those two are
Yay for you! Those two are rude exhausting jerks!
I applaud that you are
I applaud that you are drawing the proverbial line in the sand baring SS and SDIL ass and doing your family event without them.
My brother used to do this same crap that your SS is doing. It went on for many years. He would be all in on a trip or gathering, etc... Then at the last minute would back out. I finally had enough and forced him to pre-pay for his share of events and if he and my SIL backed out, tough shit on getting their money back.
They pulled this crap with my parents over and over and over again. I finally had a talk with my brother and told him enough was enough and he had damned well better just tell them no rather than leading them along only to back out at the last minute because his wife is who she is and plays toxic games because her family relationships are shit. Ours are not shit and her family issues are not our problem and if he would not defend the sanctity of our family from her I would.
It took a very long time but eventually my brother did figure out how to facilitate for his kids to have a relationship with our parents. That pretty much backed my SIL into a corner because her own kids were driving the relationship with their GPs and not tolerating their own mother degrading that.
All of our parent's GKs consider their home as home. Being raised internationally mom and dad's is home base.
So SIL changed her tactics. Even when they would actually participate for some reason they would drag along a stray or pack of strays to our family events which chapped my ass even more than if they did not participate at all. At least if they are not there at all there is not this 5000Lb elephant in the corner of someone who had no business being there at all.
Our son expressed that he would like the whole family together this coming TG. Just the Rags clan. This is a big deal. This was to be the first holiday with everyone together in longer than I can remember.... my SIL is already up to her usual drag a pack of strays to the event bullshit. Her sister and her family are now apparently coming. My nephew's DW is apparently dragging her herd to the event as well. I am so pissed that I am seriously considering not attending at all. I can't break my parent's hearts or my DW's and my son's. So, I will go. Whether or not I will be able to bite my tongue is TBD.
My DW and our son would go even if I did not so I will have to bite my tongue, attend, and try not to make it too clear that I am pissed off about the pollution of our family event.
Just F'n NO! Stop F'ing around with an event that was planned, clear, and agreed by dragging your dysfunctional strays and their bullshit into our family. Of course they ask my parents who are not the type to say no. The clear manipulative bullshit that those who pull this shit exhibit is enough to piss off the Pope let me tell ya. If this was a one time thing. Fine. But this shit has been going on for decades and I have had more of it than I care to take. Of course I won't ruin it for everyone else. But, I am sure I will have any number of people keeping a corner eye on me to see if I am going to get to my call it out point.
Things have improved the last several years but I still am extremely wary. So, dad and I will likely have a notable amount of 1:1 time both thinking the same thing about the whole circus recognizing all the bullshit for what it is, various others will intermittently enjoy some time together, and my SIL, her sister, and her family will do their usual superficial bubbly look at meeeeee bullshit, nephews wife and her dysfunctional divorced parents and their crap will do whatever it is they do, and it will all piss me off to no end.
That whole first family
That whole first family situation of your DH's sounds so toxic. You didn't break it and you can't fix it. Have a nice holiday for yourself and your loved ones. If SS wants to come, great, but don't tie yourself in knots to accommodate him. If SD is being supportive, great, but don't take any shit off her just because she's there and SS isn't. You've earned the right to do holidays however you damn well please. It's your home and your life!
Yes, and not to mention... your marriage.
A SParent shouldn't ever take a subservient position in their marriage to anyone including their mate. For damned sure not to their mate's failed family baggage, or to the ILs, or, or, or, or, or. Not even joint children that are the product of the BP/SP marriage.
Equity life partnership trumps spawn, parents, and anything else.
Of course when both mates are quality people, this stuff is rarely if ever an issue.
I have given up on doing
I have given up on doing anything to coordinate 1 SKID and his bride - DIL has mega issue within her family (enmeshment to another level) and although I don't suffer from a BM issue - DIL's mom has happily placed herself in the roll of a narcissistic obnoxious cheerleader type who didnt outgrow high school and loves to spread all kinds of PAS lies (kind of how I seem to understand many of these BM to be.) I was so fed up with DIL's mom and DILs lack of knowledge and willingness to understand facts/logic/experts on any topic (DIL's mom makes up bizarre stuff and her family believes the crazy and extremely ignorant stuff she says...) - that I disengage. In the slight chance we have to be in the same area, room or breathing space- I do not even usher a thought or opinion because I know that anything I say will fall on deaf ears. If for some crazy chance DIL and DIL's mom listen to anyone other than their own voices inside their echochamber then I KNOW whatever I had said will be twisted and turned upside down to be used against me. The lying is so pervasive that they just believe it even when there is undeniable facts that demonstrate the truth.
DIL is the flying monkey, and DIL's mom claims to be of the highest order of human form but her actions show her as low level Jerry Springer slinging kind of broad. Both are highly manipulative.
Because of YEARS of joining this emeshed unhealthy family dynamic- SKID/SS has regressed becoming very uninformed, uninspired, non-worldly and uninteresting. He also expects that DH and I are to give - extremely entitled attitude. He's morphed into one of them and they don't make much effort to see us.
Their story is that we are horrible human beings and that's why. I've even recieved a parenting lesson from DIL before she had children. Sad news was I was so shocked at the behavior all I could do was end the dinner.
But hey...DH and I don't really do much either. He sees SKID to buy him a meal or two once and awhile (and give some gifts for the GSKID) and I don't participate whatsoever. I also do NOT invite them at all to any family get togethers- NOT MY JOB. Now when they buzz around which is so very very rare they ignore me in my own house and rather then "correct it" I could care less. I make sure I don't do anything- I don't even answer the door for them or even get them a glass of water, DH has to do everything. Afterall he is the only one they acknowledge. SS's hatred began and expanded with DIL. DIL decided pretty quickly that I was her mom's enemy and LOTs of bonding over hatred between SS, DIL, and the DIL mom.
In fact one thanksgiving EVERYONE else immediate and extended showed up to the house on time for dinner, brought something and had a great time. SKID and DIL tell us they are showing up for the dinner - they are so late we are way past eating and everyone is taking naps around the house. I hear them enter the house but I decided to press the snooze button longer until I was ready to get up. So basically, they sat in a quiet house for sometime- no one greeting them and when we did get up DH shoved a little bit of what's left in their lap while the rest of us went on to enjoy activities without them. Also note they showed up empty handed and offered not to help or do anything.
So I know this rodeo- but really, they are doing you a favor at this point. Let them continue to ignore you, DH and the family. You might actually find that they live pretty dull lives and spend most of their time hating, being extremely selfish and they could give two sh** about SM. Better to have them go- give them a wide birth.
When idiots spout drivel, I quite enjoy baring their asses.
"That is not entirely accurate. Actually XYZ and LMNOP are correct while the BS and CRAP you said is not."
It does not take much to bare ass on these types. Be well read. Be confident, advise that they go to a specific source to improve their knowledge. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Idiots should not be given a platform IMHO.
Yes @Rags...part of being
Yes @Rags...part of being knowledgable is you realize there is so much more to learn and obtain that you become humble. What I've realized with these foot soldiers & the mama hive is that NO one is humble because so little knowledge is being learned that their world is small.
I don't want to use my energy towards trying to change what i cannot change. Ignorance is rampant and it's not my job to correct it at this late stage of their lives - they *should* know better and I definetly know that SS was taught differently. With my disengagement I have to make sure I pour my energy, love and resources into impactful enviroments and people - these folks could give a rat's arse about me, a rat's arse about true knowledge/wisdom and understanding and a rat's arse about anybody else but themselves. Not worth the effort !
Yes.
"Their world is small." <--- THIS! This is exactly what my therapist pointed out about my husband's family yesterday. They are not ignorant people, but their world is definitely small. They communicate with each other, in their own little world, almost like the 'telephone game'. Just yuck! Small people talk about people. There is such a vast array of interesting topics to talk about, and to learn about. I am a very private person and it is really hard for me that DH shares with his family. It's one thing if he just shares about himself, but since it's 'we', I am included indirectly. I like to keep things quiet, no need to post my wins on social media, no need for attention...I just like to live my life and privately share (sometimes) with my inner circle.
Like you mentioned, there is no sense trying to change what I can not change.
That's right @Trudie- no
That's right @Trudie- no sense trying to change what you cannot. ...I wish your DH would respect your wishes!
Thank you...
...I think you get me!
I don't even think he realizes he's doing it. The 'sharing' is an ingrained family trait. I have brought it up and we have discussed in therapy what I am comfortable for him to talk about. Simple, everyday things. Even that is too much for me! If they were kind and treated me like family, it would be different. But I am not 'in family', nor will I ever be.
I figured out today why they are such an irritant to me...they all had a hand in the situation with OSD and they all ignored it. I innocently come along and bear the brunt of OSD's dysfunction because she has to be the most important one in DH's life. (I wish she knew that she was NEVER the most important person in DH's life...this came straight from DH! He could tolerate her in small doses only and did not even want her in his home!) I did not create this problem. I can not fix this problem. However, I can set boundaries and disengage from the problem. Which I did, because rationale people do not accept threats and abuse. They can not accept that, so therefore I am even less 'in family'. I also recognize this as their dysfunction. And I accept that. However, it is so bizarre to be in this position for having an appropriate and healthy responses to OSD's behavior. One would think my education and professional practice would give me some credibility, right? I feel so disrespected both personally and professionally.
Thank goodness DH gets it and has changed how he sees the situation and reacts to the abuse from OSD. As far as the family goes, the rationale part of me understand that it is his family.... I know he is in a tough position too. I also know he has my back. I guess that in the grand scheme of life, being 'chatty' is pretty benign....
Also, almost every day I ask myself how in the world did DH come from his family? He is not like them.
Disengage from all of them.
You make your Holiday dinner on the day of The holiday. As normal people do. Invite SS ..SDIL,,, and who else. Have room for them. Have food for them. And don't worry. Dinner is at 5 pm. AT 5 pm you sit down to eat. Who there is there. it's not a battle or what ever you call it power play. You are going to win. DH either goes a long with it or not. That's up to him
That's exactly my motive. I
That's exactly my motive. I want Christmas dinner. I'm doing it for me. I want it on the day of and dinner is exactly at 5. Whoever is there is there. I put the event in the family FB group so no one can put it on me that I didn't include everyone or give enough notice. I'm making dishes that I want. I really enjoy cooking and creating a holiday dinner, so that's exactly what I'm going to do. I appreciate it so I don't care if anyone else does.
My paternal grandmother used
My paternal grandmother used to do a special "see in the New Year" meal at midnight on Hogmanay (31st December) and it was a feast! Hogmanay is more important than Christmas in certain parts of Scotland. Anyway, you had to be in the house at midnight, and it didn't matter who you were, to partake in the meal. On the twelfth stroke, she locked the doors and everyone sat down at the table. If you were late, it was just too bad for you. You could knock as much as you wanted, she would not open the door until the meal was over.
How about adopting a Scottish tradition?
I love it!
I love it!
Yes, DH and I are very prompt people, so we do have in place that an event starts at exactly whatever time and if a person is late, they should just turn around and go back home. That actually cured SD's chronic lateness. LOL.
The Hogmanay dinner sounds like a great idea because I love New Year dinners as well. I like to start off the new year in celebration. A nice meal sounds perfect.