Should a stepparent be involved in a child's therapy?
When dealing with young children, the parents are likely to have private sessions with the therapist as well. Should a stepparent be involved or not?
Any insight, comments or experiences are welcome. I would really like to know how you feel...
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Yes you should be involved.
Yes you should be involved. You are part of the children(s) lives and therefore you should be involved with everything going on.
it depends
it depends on your role, the relationship between the parents and alot of other factors. Here's my experience.
SD9 & SD11 have been in therapy for going on about a year for many reasons. SD9 is was in therapy a few years ago as well for behavior problems, lying, stealing, violence, etc. I was the one who was suggesting to DH that the kids go to therpay, both now and before. While I know the therpists, I'm not involved in any meetings for several reasons:
#1- with the ongoing issues with behavior, to keep myself sane, my DH has to deal with it. Many issues stem from parenting issues at BM's house, which he also has to address or not, but its up to him, not me.
#2- as a step, I have no legal right to be involved in medical treatment, an issue BM is only too happy to remind me and the therapist of as she's denying all responsibility for everything
#3- the one time we had a "parent meeting" BM was nuts about the fact I was there. My presence did not help and in fact took away from the entire process. Seperate meetings don't make sense for us either for issue #1.
The kid has 2 bio parents. We do the same drill for conferences, routine medical/dental appts, etc. DH takes his kids and I take mine. My BD6 is also in therapy, but I'm the main contact.I tell DH what's going on, he supports me and BD6, but isn't involved in therapy. My role is to hear from DH what's going on and support him and SD9 @ home, not in the therapists office. It's worked for us so far.
bd6 therapy
my daughter has had a difficult time for years with tantrums/anger management, etc. Basically thru therapy she's learning coping mechanisms to not get herself so worked up and diffuse tension before she blows. ExH was told about and invited to particiapte in any of the process, but he's not really invovlved in much of the kids lives. He's never talked to the therapist, talked to me about how things are going, etc.
I say yes
but it's up to the needs and situation of your family. I am the main parent involved in SD's therapy, b/c BM refuses to go near anything psychological she is so paranoid. DH is the only breadwinner and manages 2 plants (40-90 mins away.) So I am the one available. This isn't ideal believe me, but I do it b/c she needs it, whether she likes it or not.
If you want to be a part, if SKs or DH ask you to be, if the counselor thinks it will help...
All reasons you should be there. But it's totally your choice in the end.
SD over here started counseling 1 year ago
And I have always been a big part of it. I feel that you are also a parent and are part of this child's day to day life. You need to know just as much as DH does, for when the child is in your home. Plus, I think it helps the child see that you are part of the family as well.
May I ask the circumstances behind it? And also, how is the BM in your situation?
SD here started counseling because she was always a little "off" - very withdrawn. Well, she had her first boyfriend break-up and that sent her into a major tailspin. Everything that she had been holding back, including her feelings about her parents divorce and all of her issues with her mom, just came out in her as major depression and she became suicidal.
I went to the sessions with DH, BM and myself. As well as sessions with DH, BM, SD and myself. DH, SD and me. etc etc. It helps us all a ton. I don't think BM was okay with me being there, but I didn't care and neither did DH. However, I have to add, that she didn't cause the fuss that littlegrizz' BM did. That is definitely a good point to consider!
Good luck! Please don't hesitate to let me know if I can help at all, as we have been doing this for over a year now!
Thanks Stick...
I may have some future questions. BM has agreed to not pursue any other counselling for SD for now and has agreed to counselling for herself in order to gain better skills to deal with SD.
She is envious of us b/c SD NEVER misbehaves here or anywhere else, and now acknowledges that she may need some help in her parenting skills.
Curious...is it normal for the therapist to provide a 'report of findings' of sorts at the end of therapy?
She's not my BD...
SD6's BM was/is convinced that SD is emotionally distraught due to the break up of the marriage.
SD is the most well-behaved child I have ever come across. She is perfect in school, daycare, and everyone elses home except her Mom's.
Prior to my FH leaving BM, SD was great with him but a monster with Mommy. BM doesn't believe in discipline, consequenses etc. If SD throws food, tantrums, pulls her (BM's) hair it's okay and goes unpunished (unscolded...nothing is done).
So...of course behavior left unchecked will get worse... especially without my FH there to help curb the behavior.
That said, my FH consented to therapy in hopes that the therapist would help BM to get a clue.
Well...it looks like it may have worked. The therapist said that while SD seems to have some anger, it can't be blamed on the divorce as of yet. (Therapist doesn't know where it comes from yet...I happen to think it's frustration towards her Mom b/c SD is sat in front of a TV or computer every day all day, but I digress...)
Well...I went in on a session with FH and therapist agreed to see me. She liked me and told BM there is a lot of love between me and my FH and SD. BM didn't like that the therapist saw me and said that that was the last straw and is now pulling SD out of therapy.
That's awesome! We never thought she needed it...BM needs therapy and parenting classes in order to learn how to not let a 6 year old run the show and manipulate her...
Anyway...I was just curious about what other people thought. I personally think that, as I am a big part of SD's life my opinion and observations should be heard. FH and I co-parent and are on the same page when it comes to parenting beliefs etc...
Everyone's Interest
I'm so happy that you and DH went to counseling and met with the therapist. I'm even more excited for you that the therapist acknowledged all of the love that you, DH and SD share. That's GREAT!
Your SD sounds a lot like my SD only younger. (Sd here is 15). SD here has MAJOR anger issues toward her mother. And the counseling is helping her deal with them.
Please don't let BM pull the strings on stopping counseling because the therapist saw you and liked you. It's absolutely ridiculous on BM's part and is completely NOT in the child's best interest. You can guarantee that if that therapist had said anything negative about you, she'd want to continue that child's sessions.
Unfortunately, I believe your SD needs this counseling now when she is little, to gain better coping skills. SD over here was very withdrawn. She has huge anger issues toward her mom, including saying things like, "If mom and I weren't related, we probably wouldn't even like each other." or "If mom had other children and I was someone else's daughter, I bet she wouldn't like me and wouldn't want me to play with her children." or "When I get older, I don't know if I'm going to see my mom for a while". SD was getting more and more depressed, whenever she was around her mother. She was with us, the way you describe your SD. With us, she was a loving, caring child. With BM, angry and sad. She cuddles with us. She barely hugs her mom goodbye. Sd's coping skills were to withdraw into herself (instead of acting out). She eventually became suicidal. I'm concerned that unchecked anger without coping skills in your SD could lead to other ways of acting out as she gets older.
Your BM in this case probably needs therapy just like BM over here does. But that's only part of the puzzle.
Finally, in response to your other question, Sd's counselor here does give us "updates". Her therapist has let us know that she will give us general information, and will only tell us details if she feels that SD would hurt herself. Otherwise, she'll say, she's doing great... or we're working on her anger issues and how to interact with her mom... or we're talking about if she's ready to get off the antidepressants. That kind of stuff. She never gives us the all of the actual details of the conversations. Interestingly enough... The therapist over here will meet with Dh and myself alone, without SD to give us updates, but will no longer meet with BM alone to give her the same updates. I believe this has something to do with the fact that BM keeps trying to find out more of the actual details of what is being said. Also, since SD's major problems are with BM, she will only meet with BM when SD is with her and when SD is ready.
Counseling has helped SD over here so much. She really is a happier girl! I hope you can continue to help your SD to grow and get through this difficult time. If you decide to continue counseling for her, I have some other tips about getting her to and from the visit, to help the both of you, so just let me know!
And again, Please, if you can, don't let BM run this show. The fact that she wants to pull SD out of therapy because the counselor saw you would be very interesting information to the therapist, I can assure you!!
Best wishes...
I agree with
everyone else!!! YES YES and YES!!!!
Having been through therapy with my SD for countless years, if I hadn't have been there, she wouldn't have benefited from it at all!!! Dh wouldn't take her b/c he preferrd to stick his head in the sand, so it was up to me if I wanted any peace and I told DH that since I was raising this kid, that she WOULD go to counseling. It did help for a while, BUT SD(now 17) is BPD, so it can only help so much.
Good luck with it!
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I think yes.
It depends on the situation, of course, but I think that as someone who is involved in her life in a parenting role, you stand to benefit, and help her, by being present at these sessions and knowing what's happening in them.
One of my SDs is in a group home due to lots of behavioral problems. There are periodic "staffing" meetings with her care team, including parents. Once DH and I got married, he AND SD (separately and independently of one another) both asked me to start coming to these. DH wanted me to come for the moral support (his ex is a grade A b**** and a very domineering liar/hypocrite who manages to manipulate the care team into thinking she's a perfect mom). SD wanted me to come because she felt like she'd be less afraid to say what she wanted to in front of her mom if I was also in the room.
BM, of course, absolutely despises that I go to these things, and shoots me dagger looks whenever she thinks no one else is noticing.
So, in my experience, it's good for the people I care about if I go. It may be different for others, but I thought I'd share my perspective.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Everyone's Interest
I'm so sorry - I had an answer to your question about updates and I went to send it and got booted! Ugh! I'll write more soon!