I have only posted here a few times but have tried to suck in all the knowledge from those more experienced...anyway, I call out fdh on it when he does it and redirect him back to the original point. He is doing better! I have forced him to communicate like a grown up.

Feel for ya, Erin. In my relationship with Bozo, any suggestion that he needed to step up and be an adult parent to BH was always flipped into an accusation of me wanting him to get rid of or alienate his "poor" son. When I stood up for myself and said no to Bozo and BM drafting me into THEIR custody arrangement as transport for their son, Bozo turned into a hissing viper. The gist was that I was controlling and unfair. Really? After dumping YOUR problem on me like a lead brick and the ONLY choice being for me to carry it?!

One person trying to force another person into accepting unacceptable, inappropriate things (ideas, behavior, tasks) via guilt trips and character assassination is just wrong and terribly unhealthy. It isolated me to the point that I didn't know who I was or what I wanted and almost had nowhere to turn for a more objective opinion. In my case, Bozo and BH had to get out of my life and personal space. I'm working on my healing. If either of the other two want to heal, that's their job/problem.

Don't lose yourself in your DH's nonsense, Erin. Whatever it takes to care lovingly for your emotional health and well being is the right thing to do. (hugs)

When you have a ten year old girl telling daddy that he doesn't need anyone else because he has her to do all the chores, and said child had the audacity to examine silverware and condemn it as dirty! It did not get much better, constant attempts to split us up, fuelled by BM. Loyalty to their BM is not something I can condemn a child for, I condemn the BM for even attempting to poison a child's mind. Our girl came to live with us when she was 11, abandoned in hospital by her mother. Her twin brother was abandoned too so he came to us. We already had our elder boy, apparently his mother 'couldn't handle him' so it was dad's turn! All of this happened pretty much as soon as I was in the picture. Prior to them being abandoned to us the younger ones were with us every weekend and every school holiday and if they were ever sick and had to stay home they came to us. We are such EVIL people! Sure, I'll raise your kids for you! Once the PAS really got bad with the twins and their behaviors were absolutely atrocious DH and I got in a couple of big fights about consequences, he is free range and I am hands on, I decided 'screw this!' Kids are going to grow up and leave anyhow so why am I banging my head against a brick wall? It all changed when the juvenile justice system became involved. DH really had to recognize some stuff. Judge ordered family counselling and evaluations to be done. We duly did those and we got full custody, which means full responsibility too! Probation fees, fines, the whole nine yards! It came out of OUR funds, however I did not bitch about that. I was housed, fed, clothed and some luxury items too.
Counsellor gave me some fantatic advice, she said dissengage from the aspects of discipline...I'd already considered a 'screw this' type thing but her way was better, more appropriate than just 'screw it'.
I was to keep up with my own moral codes, set an example, and still interact with them but DO NOT do any of the things that require me to be responsible for them. Rides here and there, money, consequences or rewards, school work...refer them to daddy EVERY time! Hey, I felt liberated! I felt bad that DH was overburdened but they really are HIS kids and he got the picture very quickly! Now he is treating them differently as they are 'older' now. SD is currently in a secure juvenile facility and her brother dropped out of high school in sophomore year and lives with his friend's parents...Mr. and Mrs. wonderful! I know that when real introspection kicks in with them they'll know better, we love them both and will not turn our backs on them but they really, really, need to stop 'using' us though. It's a trait they learned from BM, we put a stop to her using us and the sh1t hit the fan on that one! Ohhh many stories...I digress...sorry.
It's NOBODY'S business who you or anyone else marries! I'd be trying not to let it get to me though, there are other things to consider...right? I would reccommend you get a step ahead of me and put boundaries in place with BM though...just for you! Never mind what DH or SKids do about her, that's on them. A Well timed observation, kindly relayed, can go a long way to getting people to see your perspective. I found that asking questions of DH worked too, stuff like 'do you think that's appropriate?' I believe that most DH's really do know what's going on but unless someone shakes that tree they will just slip and slide out of dealing with issues...I learned with DH that his limits for the kids came into line depending on what mine were and if I am not willing to tolerate bullcrap then he got on board eventually. It's passive, done to appease but it's still DONE!