Please help me, continued..
***read my other blog first please or this one may not make a whole lot of sense. **
I have been raising these kiddos for almost 5 years now and their father works the majority of the time, so i have always been the one helping with homework, cleaning up after them, doing their laundry, taking them school shopping, buying them food, cooking meals, making sure they are clean, teeth brushed, in bed at a decent hour. And the older two kids; I’ve not tried to be their mother, but either way they still live in a house that has my name and their fathers name on it, and he may pay the majority of the bills but I run the inside of it. Completely. And I have simple common sense house rules I would like them to follow, shoes off at door, rinse plate off. Turn off lights when not in room, Turn dirty clothes right side out, no food in rooms, and make beds in the morning. Is this a lot to ask of them (12,16, and 17yo) they don’t have chores, it’s more like when I get very busy I’ll ask one to take the trash out, or sweep a room. It’s rare though. And I am diagnosed with OCD, so I prefer to do these things. I just ask for them to do the little things that help me get the big things down more smoothly. That’s how families are supposed to work. Together! Ever since the oldest ran away and came back, she doesn’t have ANY rules at all. And now her fathers attitude of “she doesn’t need rules and doesn’t need to listen to you” is affecting the other two children and how I interact with them. It used to be we only fought about the oldest: now I’ve been told that I don’t have any rights with his children, I’m not aloud to get upset with them or get onto them. He says they Dont need a drill sergeant. I’m not aloud to go in the oldests room. Also he said he’s done with my OCD and I need to switch it off (which if you guys know anything about OCD, it doesn’t work that way) or else this won’t work. He said if I can acknowledge and talk about the things my OCD makes me do. Than I can stop doing them. I say things like “I’ve never told you you can or can’t do something in our relationship. Or demanded you to change” I’ve always said we should come to an agreement/compromise about all of this. Instead of him screaming and yelling and throwing things. He said there is no compromise they are his kids. And everyone! I completely acknowledge they are not my bio kids, but not even talking about that type of relationship. Don’t you guys Think they should still have to respect me and the house and listen to me considering I’m with them 80% of the time??? I mean even thinking of it as me being a babysitter or nanny, they would have to listen and respect me still. But he’s not really enforcing that at all.
Side note: I am very big on making sure they kids will become successful and respectable young adults. Everything I expect out of them all has a bigger purpose. I teach them how to do laundry, pump gas, cook. How to properly do dishes and clean. And there dad says I’m just getting onto them or I talk about one thing or another too much. But I would much rather here about what I’m doing wrong (what I do) then get screamed and yelled and cursed at, and even a whooping over something I did ( what he does) am I in the wrong guys?
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Didn't even read, answer is
Didn't even read, answer is the same.
Here is my best advice
Read this whole thing. https://markmanson.net/love Think on it. Act on it.
^^This^^
So much.
Stop worrying about those
Stop worrying about those kids and worry about yourself.
You can't raise kids that are damn near your age.
Where are your parents, aunts, uncles, siblings...why isn't someone trying to save you the way you're trying to save his children.
Hopefully, someone will call children service about the abuse you are enduring. If that call is made, those kids will be pulled from that home and placed into foster care. Foster care would be better than living in a home when they are exposed to verbal and physical abuse.
What is your relationship
What is your relationship with the father of these children? Are you married, engaged, or are you the live-in babysitter/cook/maid who also provides benefits? The house that's in his name and yours - is it owned or rented? Do you work and if so, do you earn enough to get your own place and support yourself?
My bottom line answer is that you need to leave this man - he does not have your best interests in mind and you're wasting your time and your youth with him and his children. How you go about leaving probably depends on the answers to the above. And pardon me - a whooping? In what world do you think that is OK? Why would you put up with that?
He appears not to respect you
He appears not to respect you.
You are useful to him - you can do so much better.
This is awful. You're a young
This is awful. You're a young woman who's being physically and verbally abused by this piece of Sh#t of a man. To begin with, you shouldn't be saddled with raising someone else's kids, especially those almost your age. One day, your youth will be gone, and you'll REGRET this, trust me. And your comment really struck me:
"Side note: I am very big on making sure they kids will become successful and respectable young adults."
During the past 5 years you've been raising these kids to try to become successful, respectable young adults, what have you done for yourself in that regard? No doubt you're respectable, but are you "successful?" You're giving your youth to a man and kids who don't care what you say or respect you. I just turned 50 this year. Trust me, if you live long enough, before you know it, YOUR YOUTH WILL BE GONE. It sounds like you're WASTING IT being saddled down with the responsibility of raising a family that is not yours, and having them fight you every step of the way. Please reconsider this relationship before it's too late and you regret giving it all to people who don't care about you and just make your life miserable, or worse yet, he hurts you badly. BTW, when I was 25, if any man tried to "whoop" me, I PROMISE YOU, MY dad would have put a gun to his head and promised him if he EVER did it again, my dad would have the satisfaction of life in prison with that guy in the grave.
This is an extremely
This is an extremely unhealthyy and abusive situation. If you have OCD, all of this stress will make it harder to manage.
Please go to therapy to figure out why you would even consider staying in this situation. You deserve better.
So he physically abuses you?
You sneaked that in at the end.
You need counseling. Right after you move out and get your own life. Just pack and leave. No excuses. Any man that laid a hand on me would find himself on the business end of a baseball bat.
those kids will never respect you. Their father beats you. He doesn't respect you. Respect yourself enough to get out.
this is sheer insanity.
You are being abused
You are being abused. This is abuse: "But I would much rather here about what I’m doing wrong (what I do) then get screamed and yelled and cursed at, and even a whooping over something I did ( what he does) am I in the wrong guys?" You are not in the wrong. He is the one in the wrong.
Even if you don't want to accept the fact that you are being abused - how can you properly raise children if you are told, "that I don’t have any rights with his children, I’m not aloud to get upset with them or get onto them." You can't raise the children if you don't have any authority over them.
Do you have friends or family who are familiar with your situation - who know all about it, including the fact that he hits you and yells at you? Can you go to them for some help? Start doing some research and see if you can come to terms with your situation. See a therapist, contact a lawyer. Start with this website https://www.thehotline.org/ You need to remove yourself from this unhealthy environment.