Clinical Depression or Holiday Blues?
After this weekend, it finally hit me that we go through this every single year around this time. There are other episodes during the year but it seems to come on the strongest around the holidays. The straw that broke the camels back was Saturday. I spent the morning running errands and the rest of the day power cleaning the living room in preparation for the Christmas tree. Where was DH? In our bedroom. He stays in our bedroom every waking minute he's home especially when my BS 10 and 12 are with us (because he told me a few weeks ago that he can't tolerate being around them so this is how he passes his time, watching tv and surfing the internet in our bedroom) which is every other week. My BS 3, 10 and 12 brought up all the Christmas Decorations and we assembled our tree, and put up the lights. ARound 5 pm, I asked DH if he wanted to go into town for the Christmas Parade. It's not a huge deal, it's a small town parade, he scoffed but said he'd go. We're all bundled up and strapped in the car, DH takes his seat and turns the radio off. I turn it back on. He turns it off, "Do we have to listen to that song?" he asks. Yes, I like the song. WITH THAT HE PROCEEDS TO JUMP OUT OF MY CAR (I'm slowly backing out of the driveway) and refuses to come with us. So I took the boys myself to the parade. When I came home, I tried to engage him in conversation mainly trying to show that I wasn't upset that he'd changed his mind even though I thought this was an extremely immature reaction. He glared at me like I was his worst enemy. For the rest of the weekend, he refused to speak to anyone in the house except the 3 year old and wouldn't come down for meals. The only time we saw him is when he came down for a beer or a snack.
I used to love the holidays especially after I had children because I felt the same charge as I had when I was a little girl. Experiencing holidays through the eyes of your children re-captures some of the lost magic. My DH is making the holidays miserable for our family. Two years ago he had a huge blow up with my parents over a Christmas Gift they gave me and it was so emotionally traumatic, there is a family boycott on my house for any holiday event. Last year he accused me of making plans without his consent and approval and tried to split the family up so we could go in different directions. AFter this episode this weekend, I realized, I do all the decorating every holiday...the tree, the lights etc while he sits on his ass doing nothing. It's really getting old and his attitude is casting a gloomy pall over our whole house. What kind of memories is he creating for his BS?
Finally this morning he breaks his silence and tells me that he doesn't think i love him or even like him and that I treated him like a child making him listen to music on the radio he doesn't like. How ridiculous is this? I REFUSE to apologize for his pathetic childish behavior. I told him he needs to get some help because we go through this depression every single holiday. He tells me that he agrees that he hates the holidays and cold weather but refuses to talk to a professional because he, "doesn't believe in that". I don't know what to do because he's making me depressed just being around him!
- English's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Was there some tramautic
event that happened in his life around the holidays? It really does sound like a depressive episode. The angry outbursts, the withdrawal from family activities, the feelings of being unloved, all classic depression symptoms. Sounds a lot like me when I go through periods like that. I know that a lot of people experience the blues during the holidays, but your husband's sounds quite pronounced, that is why I am asking if something traumatic happend in his life this time of year. Like a death, a bad break up, an illness? He could be triggered to react this way when the same time of year comes around. Listen to me, miss Shrink, obviously I am not a professional, but I agree with your suggestion that he really needs to see someone professional about this. It seems like more than just your basic blues to me. Try telling him how much you love him, and you know that his behavior lately is out of character for him, that you don't blame him for any of it, and want to help him. Tell him that it is because you love him that you want him to get help, you want to be able to enjoy the holidays together. Good luck, it can be hard to get through to someone in a very negative state of mind. I wish you the best!
I think his Entire Childhood was a Continuous Trauma
Abandoned by his mother, dragged around the country by his father who was wasn't able to hold down a job and was more concerned on where his next drug hit was coming from. He and his brother were neglected, starved and abused. It's a childhood that is so radically different from mine I don't know if I can ever grasp the scope of it all. His brother who went through all this with him and that he hadn't seen in 10 years came for a visit this summer. We sat outside on our pation and I watched the two of them reminisce for hours. The did it with a sense of humor but some of the stories were so horrific it was difficult to hear. DH takes great pride in the fact that he thinks he's overcome all of this trauma (but has he really or has he just surpressed it) but I think he's just learned how to mask the pain. I'm also wondering now if there's an underlying mental problem that he's passed along to his extremely troubled (and professionally diagnosed Bipolar daughter).
This situation makes me somewhat fearful. He doesn't think I love him but I actually fear him more than anything at this point.
"Bitter? Table for ONE..."
You know I was going to mention that....
I am bipolar, and his episodes sound so familiar. If indeed he does have a chemical imbalance, he absolutely needs professional help. These illnesses only get worse with time, and without treatment. I don't know what to tell you to convince him to get help, but hold your ground on the issue, and do it with a lot of love. Don't try to discuss big issues with him right now, or expect him to be entirely rational. Whether these issues are arising from past trauma, a chemical imbalance, or some combination of both, he can't cope with this on his own, neither can you. Wait for a moment when he seems as lucid as possible, and discuss this with him, but don't diagnose him, or push him too far. Just reassure that your love is the reason you want him to get help so badly. Keep us posted on yours and his progress.
I agree with you..
I think he is definitely struggling with something here and should seek professional help.
My husband actually sat me down a few months ago and told me that I HAD to get help or this was never going to work. (I had some anxiety issues when BM filed papers to take the skids away from DH) I wasn't sleeping, eating, and was so horribly sad. A big "I love you but you need to get help....." worked for me. I'm seeing a counselor not a pyschiatrist though. Maybe suggest a counselor because if he "doesn't believe in that", it's a lot less threatening to go to someone who isn't even able to prescribe you medication.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain."
In my family...
...there is always at least one blowout per family gathering. Weddings, holidays, birthdays, graduations, retirements, etc. Anytime the whole family gets together, there is always at least ONE person acting exactly like this. My family actually has an "Asshole of the Year" award. (My mom, my aunts, my sister, my female cousins and I are the judges.) The most memorable awardee was my uncle, who was so ticked off by the number of family staying over at his house one year at Thanksgiving that he actually locked himself in his walk-in closet for most of the evening. He even slept in there. He had a pillow, a blanket and a small B&W portable TV. My stepdad has probably received the award the most number of times. He'll drink too much and turn into a big, walking dick. Last year, my husband won the award for the first time since we've been married. He was struggling with transitioning from active duty to retired military, PTSD issues, having been alienated from his kids, sucky new job, etc. He was just an absolute BITCH the whole Christmas season. Point is, the holidays are hard. Some years are harder than others and some people struggle more with this season than others. In our family, we get through it with humor. My husband is doing lightyears better this holiday season than last, because he did finally get treatment for his PTSD. Give your husband some space. Try not to kill him. Don't depend on him for your own holiday enjoyment and don't blame him if you don't enjoy the holidays in some way... it's a lot of pressure on someone who's obviously already feeling tons of it internally. If he hasn't dealt with his past, then he's probably stockpiling his emotions. Every now and then, a trigger will send them rushing to the surface. The holiday season could be one of his triggers.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
You're right
and I try to give him ample space because of his issues. Sometimes it just gets to the boiling point and I get sick of carrying the family by myself. It's exhausting and sometimes I just need to curl up and regroup but I don't get a chance to do that because he's got the market cornered on that pity party.
I wish we could handle it with a sense of humor like your family does (that sounds like it would be a hit at my parents house...they're always laughing) but DH has a sense of humor like a rock. I think he's suffering from low self-esteem because he twists everything that I say and turns it into a personal attack. Some of the things he hears are so far removed from what I said, it's laughable.
I won't nag him. I just wish he'd be humble enough to acknowledge that he may need some help.
"Bitter? Table for ONE..."
I hear ya, English.
It took two years to convince my DH to seek counseling for his PTSD. The anger was just out of control. He never got physical, but I just couldn't take his verbal explosions. He did go to the VA and got involved in a program which helped him identify WHY he acts the way he does and then sort of "re-programmed" to deal with his anger in a better way. It's helped a lot. I almost like him again.
Another thing that helped us both a lot, too, was the Dr. Phil Relationship Rescue book and workbook. It uncovered a lot of stuff that now seems obvious, but before we didn't see it.
My DH used to be like yours. It didn't matter what I said. If he made the bed, for example, and I came in behind him and straightened the pillows, he'd blow up and accuse me of thinking he didn't make the bed good enough and can't do anything else good enough to meet my standards. Really, that bad. He had HORRIBLE self-esteem. I couldn't figure out why, but through his PTSD counseling, we both learned that past events made it difficult for him to trust his own judgment. Example... joined the military to HELP people, but sometimes the people they were trying to help would get fired on and killed for accepting help from Americans. Another example would be choosing to marry his ex-wife and staying with her, despite repeated infidelity and multiple separations. He got to where he felt like he couldn't do anything right. He would just snap for reasons only he could see. I still have to get my DH to repeat back to me what I said, because sometimes he'll slip. Did I say you don't do anything right, DH? No, I didn't say that at all. I merely asked you to stop leaving your socks on the floor. Relax, honey, it's just socks. LOL! Hang in there!
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook