Hygiene issues
I have been reading Rag's blog about hygeine and his 17 yr old SS-DH and I have the same issue with Zippy 16.5. Zippy has severe acne (genetic) and has meds and special soaps for his face and a Dr.'s regime (see skin blog for details) that for reason's unknown to me -Zippy fails to comply an DH see's "no big deal"-Zippy now has a break out with acne the size of golf balls on his face whereby people are pointing and staring (I kid you not!).
Zippy must be told what to do and when to do it from getting up in the morning to going to bed-EVERYDAY-it is Zippy's way of rebelling and I see it, DH still has cokebottle daddy goggles and has no problem with wiping Zip's butt everyday.
Last night DH and I had a blow up re hygiene and here is what I wrote to him today
Because I am the female figure in Zippy's life, I am the one who gets the “aside” comments from family and friends about his skin and other issues-I am sure if you heard these comments you would address them more urgently with Zippy so he can support what the Dr.’s and family plan is for him more consistently. Another comment I get is “manners” (youngest person is supposed to greet adults in a room, say please, thanks - -I am not too sticky on this one just the please and thank you’s –but it is one of the “aside” comments I get from people) somehow, you seem immune to my suggestions and Zippy's powers of annoyance. I have tried in nice ways and not so nice ways –but there really is no nice way to say-“Get your kid on Board” with a few important wishes of your wife to promote shalom in the home. As for nice quiet evenings-I guess I have to wrap my head around the loss and every once in awhile ask for one when it gets to me, I am hoping with Zippy's new job that I will get one or two “Video/ TV kaboom” free evenings-(this was not an issue with the boys I had, as they were either out with friends, involved in sports or working at Zippy's age). I figure since I help pay the mortgage, bills, am legally your wife and involved in some of Zippy's upbringing I am entitled to ask this of you. You can go a long way to ensure Zippy's is a good “family citizen” to the other people in the home who clean, cook and help care for him.
OK let me spell this out a little better than when I am tired and frustrated. Obviously we are not on the same page re Zippy's cleanliness and hygiene so here is what I propose.
(we have family rules with more hygiene stuff on it but it is not being followed sooooo...)
You decided the bar-eg:
Zippy will wash his face and brush his teeth once a day (or whatever)-You will ensure any medication that is to be taken will be taken where humanly possible and instead of “parenting” behind doors-will keep me in the loop by saying “I am on top of things concerning hygiene and meds ( because that means something to Endora) (once a week),
Endora will keep hands off ,wait for and trust your reassurance that this is done to the best of your ability.
I would like Zippy's room thoroughly cleaned once a month-vacuum, dusted, dishes and clothes picked up and bedding washed-I would like for you to let me know when this is completed for the month.
The above would go a LONG way for me in this marriage.
Do any of you SP's think this is out of line if Zippy was your bio kid?
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Comments
endora
I just sent a very similar email to my FH concerning similar issues...they dont flush toliets EVER!! gross
it makes sense to me however I wonder if our S/O just see it as something else to bitch about.
I know F will look at me all frustrated and mopey when I tell him that the kids have to be reminded AGAIN to not leave glasses sitting in the living room/computer over night..socks laying around..god forbid that pick up their wet towels..
anyway it got to where I felt like i was just one big nag.. so I sent an email with things that I expect them to do (no different from my own mind you) hoping to put it in list form and not to nit pick all week ..I havent heard back.
good luck!!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Endora
Have you said anything to DH about the fact that Zippy could be facially SCARRED for the rest of his life, if his acne doesn't get under control? Or something to the effect of, Look DH I know that you want Zippy to grow up and be a successful (fill in the blank) and maybe even some day get married and have children of his own. He won't ever get to that stage if he doesn't take care of his appearance. WE are not talking about a 5 year old child with a lot of time left to learn... we're talking about a kid going into college... what could be the best years of his life!! All you really want, is for Zippy to succeed and be happy in life and you are trying to teach him the skills to get there... ??? Have you already tried that?
At 16 he isn't interested in lookin' good? At 16, my boys were
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
basically shower HOGS! They had to look as "hot" as they could for the girls.
Very hard for me to understand a boy that age not caring about his appearance. You're right. "Daddy" needs to step up to the plate.
That's what the Doc said
Gee Zippy-most of my patients WANT to get rid of their acne....
Zippy: WHAAA???
Zippy is not a typical teen boy-he is going through an "awkward" stage-he is 6'2" tall, hairy-gangly,(picture an adolcescent camel with severe acne) all out of proportion-has no social skills (BM thought it best to "home school" the introverted Zippy in elementary school because it was a social network for her and she did not have to deal with public school teachers "comments")-he has no idea about a "team player" concept played no sports, no cooridnation (Zippy cannot walk and chew gum at the same time)-he was parented 50/50 one week on with Disney Dad and one week with Fruit Loop BM-was taught no manners or expected to have any and was confidant "buddy" and best friend to both his parents. Zippy is the kid in high school that was always "odd"-
IF he has interest in girls-he does not have a clue what to do about it.
Picture DH concerning Zippy -head in the sand waiting for it all to go away
At least Zippy is not like DH's best friends 40 year old son (Momma's boy)who still lives at home
Me rolling eyes thinking-
Momma's boy at least is a LONG HAUL trucker and away for weeks at a time-we will have NO such luck as Zippy will be living in the basement at 40 -same old same old
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
I think he doesn't even try
because by now he must have a very low self esteem... that explains the whole "no friends" and "always at home"...
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
WHAT IS WITH THE DIRTY KIDS????
Snowshyte gives us a hard time everytime Dh tells her to take a shower or bath and she rarely puts on clean underwear...I just don't understand these children/teens. I'm am 26 years old and I can remember CLEARLY when i was a teenager/preteen and I ALWAYS wanted to be clean. I washed my hair regularly in addition to *GULP* showering! A lot of the skids seem to treat water as though it's acid on their skin. WHY???!!! From snowshyte to the Droop,to Rags' SS17...it's ridiculous!
Ok, enough of my confused rant...I just don't understand what they find so tough about being clean.
"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”
Yes-Yes and Yes Stick
Re all the "nice" ways of saying things -
DH answers: "Zippy does do his regime-you just happened to see the one night he did not" (5 nights in a row of non compliance!)
DH says show me how you know it is 5 nights in a row (I plan to keep a calendar now-NOT)
DH sticks his head in the sand hoping follow up and follow through with Zippy will all go away.
DH APOLOGIZES to Zippy for having to remind him about his regime and basic life skills over and over again.
I get accused of making Zippy uncomfortable in his own home about reminding Zippy re meds and washing (so I do not anymore)"Endora, Zippy lives here you know!!!" (boy do I EVER!-not only LIVES here but rules the roost by passive aggression)
DH to me last night:
"So Endora -what do YOU want me to do-I cannot make Zippy comply"
Me: :O (thinking -unplug the freakin video games and march him upstairs to wash idiot!) -I did not say that-if I had there would have been an explosion of nuclear proportion with me being accused of being "verbally abusive" to DH on top of insulting golden Zippy!
BTW-My health plan paid for Zippy's dermatologist and meds-but not my kid-
no say....
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Endora To your DH
When DH asks you how you know it is 5 nights in a row, I'd be like, umm because if he did use it 5 nights in a row, he'd probably be cleared up. As far as DH apologizing to Zippy and you making him feel uncomfortable, I'm POSITIVE that you are a LOT MORE CHARITABLE than anyone else he'll deal with for the rest of his life. So when DH says to you last night, what do YOU want me to do,... I CANNOT make Zippy comply".. I'd be like YES YOU CAN MAKE ZIPPY COMPLY... he's your kid. He lives in your house... he has to do what you tell him. What's the WORST CASE SCENARIO that you make him comply? He gets angry with you.. he fights, he sulks... he stays in his room and plays video game.s..Oh wait, you're already there. What's the BEST CASE SCENARIO? He clears up his acne and gets some self esteem. Did you ask DH if he's the adult and the father, WHY he can't make Zippy comply? Did you ask DH why he doesn't even care enough about his own child to make the right decision for him and be the bad cop?? And then, Endora - I'm sure that with you, there are things that your DH can make you do... right? So how come he can make YOU do something, but he cannot make a 16 year old boy? It's just a question of how far you want to fight this out, or if you want to be like, screw it... the kid will be cat man and live in our basement until he's 50 and probably arrested for burying bodies under our floor when we go on vacation... ! Ha!! To be honest, I feel for you Endora.. because I think that seeing that would make me feel nauseous at dinner time....
Not even close to being
out of line. That is just basic personal hygiene which any parent bio, step or other should make sure their children are taking care of. As far as the room cleaning I do not think that is over the line either. We get the kids over here every weekend and sometimes more when schedules permit it. Before they go home to BM they know to clean their room (all three share one right now) and put their toys away in the living room. I will admit I become pickuptoynazi before they leave, but things like dusting and making beds we never make them do, well not yet. They are 6,3 and 2, so for the time being every 3-4 weeks I will go in dust, vaccum and wash sheets, no big deal really. We do not make them make their beds, I don't even make my bed so I really do not see how I can tell them they have to do it lol. All three are good kids, sometimes they fight when they don't wanna clean up but they are little and that is expected, the only big shocker was 2 days ago my ss6 decided to wake up and clean up the house so that he didn't have to do it later so he could do fun stuff. I nearly died, I thought it was to funny.
Sorry I went off on a rant there, but really it's not to much to ask that he takes pride in not smelling like a rotten foot and keeps his room cleaned up once a month. I wish my parents only made me clean once a month, I had to do it weekly and vaccum and the whole shabang everytime. Zippy has it lucky.
Zippy
I almost feel bad for the kid... it's no wonder he's a mess... when you described how he grew up.... He doesn't have a chance
Pity
Lots of people feel sorry for Zippy-that does not help him-
Personally I would have a counselor for Zippy (someone he can vent to etc.)but when DH asked Zippy if he would go to one Zippy declined
DH: Can't make him talk to a counselor Endora.
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Pity doesn't help him
Neither does disengagement, or DH sticking his head in the sand hoping his problem will go away. Neither does DH not enforcing a counselor visit. Yes DH can do it... he can make the appointment, drive the kid there and walk him in, sit him down and there you go.... I'm sorry Endora.. because you are between a rock and a hard place and it seems like no matter what you do.. DH won't support you.
Stinky people should not be allowed in common areas
That's one thing you can have control over. If you're stinky, you can't come into the kitchen, living room, etc. until you smell better. I used to work in the mental health field and hygeine was a major issue for some clients. It came down to this: if you don't have a shower, you're not allowed on the couch, in the dining room, or in the kitchen until you're clean. If you haven't brushed your teeth, you can't come within 5 feet of me until your breath smells better.
Zippy sounds depressed to me. But I psychoanalyze everyone (you can take the girl out of social work but...)
According to DH
Some teens are better at hygiene than others-
obviously Zippy is the latter
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
order a t-shirt
with that peanuts character "pigpen" on it with a big x over him:) then wear it around Zippy every chance you get ...heehee...
"We all have different desires and needs, but if we don't discover what we want from ourselves and what we stand for, we will live passively and unfulfilled.”
I does sound to me like
I does sound to me like Zippy has huge self-esteem issues tied in with the awkwardness of growing tall and hairy and gangley (sp?).. My nephew is very tall and went through these stages too. He was a pig at the table, disgusting fingernails, etc..... but.... once he truly discovered girls and got a girl friend, the hygiene table has turned! He is the cleanest, nicest spelling son of a gun around now. God bless his girlfriend
Zippy needs some self-confidence in a big way
We all smile in the same language
I does sound to me like
I does sound to me like Zippy has huge self-esteem issues tied in with the awkwardness of growing tall and hairy and gangley (sp?).. My nephew is very tall and went through these stages too. He was a pig at the table, disgusting fingernails, etc..... but.... once he truly discovered girls and got a girl friend, the hygiene table has turned! He is the cleanest, nicest spelling son of a gun around now. God bless his girlfriend
Zippy needs some self-confidence in a big way
We all smile in the same language