What are the reasons, as you understand them, that your step kids left to live with their father?  Also it sounds like there is a distance between you and your wife now that there didn't used to be - what do you put that down to?  Why do you think your wife wants you to "stay out of it"?  Your post posed these questions in my mind because things appear to have gone from satisfactory to unsatisfactory, over time - and you are left feeling like - why did this happen? Not very easy to advise you unless we know more. 

I think it's time to reframe.

Your feelings are valid, and I've had similar before, though likely not to the extent that you're feeling. You give a lot being a SP, and while the kids can be your primary focus because you really hold on to that parent role, you can easily be disregarded and no longer matter. That hurts. There's no way that doesn't hurt.

Here's the reframe: kids in divorce are end a crappy situation no matter how you slice it. Even in an amicable split, kids still have to navigate two homes, two families, two systems of operation, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no breaks. Innocuous decisions they make, like wanting to spend an extra night with one parent or sitting with Mom instead of Dad at an event, has the potential to cause great pain to their parents, and they know that. But, they're sometimes put in positions where hurting their parent is the only option they have, whether they like it or not.

I don't know why they want to spend more time with Dad. On the evil side, he could be trying to alienate the kids. On the neutral side, he may just want to spend as much time with them as their mother, and the kids want that, too. On the other evil side, your wife was alienating the kids and purposefully keeping them away from their dad, and the kids and dad are finally fighting back.

Notice that there isn't a "good" side here. The good side is the side that is in the best interests of the kids. Spending more time with their dad may be in their best interest right now. Kids gravitate to different parents at different times for different reasons. If parents can co-parent, that ebb and flow - so long as it's not being used to pit parents against one another - can be honored fairly easily by allowing changes in custody with boundaries so no one misses schools, celebrations, sports, family outings and special days, etc.

My gut reaction to what you wrote was that you and your wife made the mistake in thinking that because she was the custodial parent that you two were the only ones who got to mold and shape the kids. That's unrealistic and frankly unfair to the kids. Dad, even in a limited capacity, has a say. He has influence. Your household's rule ends at your doorstep. The kids are being influenced by many different people and places, and while you can teach them the morals and expectations of your own household (and hope they carry them outward), you can't dictate how or what they believe outside of there.

This is a painful realization, but a good one. You can still influence the kids even if it's not how you and your wife had imagined. How you two imagined wasn't feasible, and I think recognizing that helps take the sting out. It also helps to think of the positive in what they're doing. They want to spend more time with their dad. That's GREAT! He is their father. They have a bond to him. The healthier that bond is, the healthier they will be. They'll feel more loved and supported. They'll get to experience new and different things. For them, these are GREAT things!

We have to recognize, whether we're bio/adoptive parents or SPs, that we're being selfish when we expect kids to be grateful for what we perceive as great parenting and reciprocate it through the means we deem acceptable. It is a selfish act to bring children into this world, and if we're going to call ourselves parents, then we have to be selfless (to a point) in achieving the #1 goal of parenting: to launch a healthy, successful human being into the world who makes it a better place. 

You're valid in feeling hurt. Moving forward, you can either reframe how you view this situation OR you can disengage to not get hurt again OR do both. Stepparenting comes with the double-edged sword of being expected to parent while having the ability to walk away from parenting. Walking away from it is just as valid as continuing to engage in it. However, neither comes without sacrifice and the potential for hurt feelings. Having any sort of relationships with anybody comes with the possibility, and probability, of being hurt.

The caveat to all of this is whether this situation stems from a place of wanting what is best for the children or wanting to punish the other parent, and whether the children are behaving in unhealthy ways. Even if Dad has been fairly absent by his own choosing, him finally deciding to be a father (and actually meaning it) is a GOOD thing even if it's painful. Pain isn't always a bad thing; it's also a sign of growth and change. But, if Dad is only doing it to get out of paying more CS, or Mom is only balking at more visitation because she wants control, then those are BAD things. How you handle the bad situations is more nuanced, and my advice to you would change based on those nuances.

It is hard. We put in so much energy and effort and love and care and then when the big stuff happens we have no say in it and it can feel like our whole world changes under our feet and suddenly we are treated as an after thought at best. 

I like to call step parenting being a convenient substitute. When it goes well you are there and taking on a parental role. When stuff happens you are instantly forgotton or pushed aside as these kids live thier lives and it feels like we are suddenly pushed out of the parental role. It is all too easy to get our hearts broken. 

I'm sorry that you are feeling this, I know it hurts. But as with all emotions it will pass and focusing on other areas of your life can help you get by in the mean time. 

You may want to speak to your wife about attending some family counseling together to help both of you navigate what is happening. The counselor may be able to help both of you define what your role was, what it is now and what you both would like it to be going forward so that the two of you are on the same page.

It sounds like she is not recognizing your feelings in all of this and likely is stressed out and overwhelmed herself. You need to agree and both understand what your role in the family is, what do you have input on in regards to the kids? What do you have input on regarding your home and who lives there and when? Finances? Lawyers fees? You have to communicate with each other through the big changes or someone (in this case you) is left feeling lost and insignificant.

Hello - welcome!

My take on things - Ive been in this for almost 7 years. When things were really good, I stepped in and tried to parent in a step-parenting way. I never tried to parent-parent but I did step in pretty far, and then when things got hairy the kids didnt want it and the parents didnt want it. Translation - as long as I was doing pickups/Drop offs, paying for thigns, doing and helping, everyone was "good" with me. They were all happy to give me responsibility. I took it on happily. THEN, just recently when I was ready to dole out repercussions to actions, THEN, suddenly they werent so "good" with me, I was told to back off, and butt out, I "damaged" and was "harassing" the child. Read my blogs for details.

Ultimately I had to disengage. I had to grieve the relationship that I thought I had, I considered leaving a few different times. It hurt, most certainly. But things are much smoother. I backed way off. I told Husband "thats your problem over there, none of it will be my problems to solve anymore". Kid gets bad grades, or fails classes? Not my problem. I set Husband up with parent portal, he can manage that. Kid spends too much time on the phone? Oh well, hes paying for it. We dont have much "family time" anymore? His problem. Ill go along, but wont be the tour director anymore. 

SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin and I would go on adventures around our area many times without Husband. Took her on shopping trips, got our manis-pedis, lunches. Birthdays were organized by me. Outtings suggested and organized by me. 

Not anymore. Birthday was funded completely by Husband. I go off on my own adventures, either alone or with Husband (without kiddo) or with my friends. I dont cook for her and I, I dont buy groceries or sundry items for her anymore. NADA. But we are pleasant and civil and nice to each other. Anything else and its "go ask your father, sweety".

If your wife wants you to back off, back off. Grieve on your own, or let her know that you are hurt but will respect everyones wishes.

BUT, that comes with the caveat that you will have to disengage with your emotions, time and money. 

You did not detail the situation with the ex, but you indicated it was not a positive one. All you can really do is to be the sympathetic shoulder for her to cry on as she is managing things. You pay your share, and start doing more for yourself. Be civil and nice and pleasant with kiddos.