Just Not Sure ...
I'm slipping into issues of not feeling like I'm 'good enough' for my BF or my SS. I'm bipolar, and have more lows than highs. I went through a time where I didn't even feel like I deserved to be anywhere, like I wanted to run away. Then I was sitting alone on the first Mother's Day since my Mother passed away. I got a text from BF and he asked if I wanted to go out. I felt a ping of 'what the hell? Is he really asking me out??' and almost said no, but I agreed. It was an amazing night. We did dinner and a movie and hung out at my place for HOURS!! We were a month into our relationship when he moved in. I have known BF since 2008 so I am comfortable enough around him. SS11 moved in a month after BF did and life was a bit of hell. I was suffering more and more lows and couldn't figure it out. So finally after getting SS situated and chill everything has been fairly great. We have occasional issues with BM (like not letting him shower, or sit in his clothes for DAYS at a time) but even that is attempting to chill itself out.
Today my awesome BF got a bit pissy with me and took off to the bed room. I went back and asked what was going on, he was upset that no dishes were done yesterday and that I hadn't put a few things in the basement. I explained to him that with me being sick (and having my fun TOTM), I didn't have a lot of energy. All I got back was SS should have done dishes. Here's the problem with that. Thursday SS took credit for a butt load of dishes I did. I straightened that out super fast. I'm just feeling like I'm not good enough to have my BF, like maybe I should have just said no. I love my BF with all my heart but I just feel horrible.
I do my best to clean the house and do dishes and he does laundry. We had a pretty good flow going for chores and all of a sudden it feels like if I don't do it, it won't get done. It's exhausting. I'm kind of lost here. This is the first relationship I've been in that I feel will last forever. Most of these simple issues are what are causing me to hide that I want to have a baby. Only one person knows and she won't tell anyone, but I haven't had that talk with my BF. I'm unemployed and want to start working before a baby and all that but I feel I can't even talk to him about that. We can't even talk about doing dishes or taking out trash without it ending with me walking away cause I can't handle it.
This whole lost feeling is killing me and I don't get it.
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Comments
Your health comes first and
Your health comes first and foremost. Do you have a good relationship with your doctor? Is he/she keeping up on any medication changes that you might need? Does your BF know about your condition? Is he supportive? Does he understand the disease and how he should be supporting you depending on if you are on a low or a high?
You are feeling the way you are because of your disease... there is nothing wrong with you. I asked all the previous questions to make sure that you are taking care of yourself.
The kid is 11.. more than old enough to have chores... it's up to BF to talk to him about getting that shit done.
Right now I don't have
Right now I don't have insurance so I haven't been able to keep up with my doctor. BF and I talked about everything that happens and how I feel some times and that simple conversations can cause me to break into tears. He's very aware. I've been on several different meds for it and nothing has helped. It either made it worse or made me so sick and dizzy I couldn't take it. It's nuts. Hopefully soon I'll be working and able to find a new doctor. One who can better help with this.
Yeah SS is 11, but he's such a pain about doing chores. He's on a kick right now of it's his job to take care of the dog. Which when he's here it is, but that's all. BF has told him many times what his chores are and he doesn't listen. Then gripes to me how at BM's they ask to much of him. I'm wondering if he's trying to say WE are making him do "toooo much" which I think dishes, taking the dog out, and cleaning his room is sufficient and nowhere near a "to much" point.
Have you heard of a Vagus
Have you heard of a Vagus nerve stimulator? It might be worth a discussion with yor Dr. It is surgery. Go look it up.
Since posting this, I think
Since posting this, I think the whole kid thing is just my age, I'm 28 (29 next month) and all my friends have kids and I guess I'm suffering that good old clock ticking away.
I actually have a job interview Monday and am STOKED! (Full time + benefits + $16 per hour = HELLS YEAH!)
That sounds awesome, good
That sounds awesome, good luck!!
Obviously, from looking at this site, you can tell that having someone else's child living with you is hard. Having an ailment on top of that just makes it worse...(actually, the other way around fits a bit better).
Have you tried Lamictal? I know people who have been on many different medications that didn't help, went on Lamictal, and got better. It usually takes the right combination of drugs as well. I think it's a lot of trial and error, so it's very important to be under regular care of a psycho-pharmacologist or psychiatrist.
Please don't have a child with your SO until everything in your life has been stable for a few years. You have plenty of time.
I was on Lamictal with a
I was on Lamictal with a sliding scale to start. From the very first pill it made me so dizzy and sick I couldn't keep taking it. Had a meeting with my doctor and thankfully he is showing me more at home stuff I can do to feel better and since this post there have been no out bursts or anything. Things are going very smooth (except SS issue with BM that's an entirely different story) but things are going better and I'm even getting over the baby mania lol. Guess my body is just saying "Look dude, we're almost 30 .. isn't it time?"
Do what you need to do to get
Do what you need to do to get to a psychiatrist and get the correct medications. It sounds like you are managing your moods to a degree, but they could get worse. See what help you might qualify for, like medicaid. There are many drugs for bi polar, and it may take a few tries, but you will eventually find the one that will work for you.
Once you have your bi polar under control you will find it some much easier to deal with all the other issues.