SO's work-life balance sucks
Had a conversation with my SO last night that left me thinking "what the f***." He works mostly normal hours as is, but he skips his lunch break everyday so that he can work more. He loves his job, he would work OT every day/week if he could. I didn't realize just how much until our conversation last night though. Up until December 2016, he worked in a different position and didn't like his job as much. He would work 7:30-4:00 every day, and would always take his lunch break.. meaning, he was working exactly 40 hours a week every week, and only worked more when his 2 kids were with their mother, or he had to make up some time from missing time for an appointment. This didn't bother me at all, it was a good work-life balance.
However, since he started this new job, a lot has been going on. Every week (2 weeks) he has had to miss some time at work for one reason or another (doctors appointments, eye appointments for his 1 son, court dates, dentists, kids being sick, etc.), so he has started working through his lunch, getting to work earlier than he needed, and essentially working 9 hour days most days when he didn't have to leave early. It worked out to about him still getting his 80 hours every 2 weeks and not much more. Fine, it is saving him Time Off to use for actual vacations instead of just using it all on appointments like he was doing before he met me.
However, the conversation last night was that basically he would like to work even more and get OT almost all the time. I am not just taking about an extra 1-3 hours every 2 weeks, but 1-2 hours extra EVERY SINGLE DAY. As it currently is, him leaving at 7 and not getting home until 520-530, that is already 1/3 of his time. I think it is selfish and see it as if he wants to work so much extra time(when it isn't even required), then he cares more about his job than anything else (including his 2 kids that live with him full time). He even had the guts to say "if you took them to school and picked the kids up, I could go into work earlier and work even longer." How about NO, how about instead of you trying to find ways to work even longer than you already are, you try to find a way to work less (he has some flexibility, he can skip his lunch and leave 30 minutes sooner if he wanted to) and spend more time with your kids (and me).
When we were talking about how much time he has saved up, and how much he will have at the end of this year already including time he will have to use for appointments and other expected time off, it would be at around 120 total hours, plus another 40 that he will "buy" at the beginning of the year. I said with that amount of time saved up, you/we can actually go somewhere or do things as a vacation. His response was "yeah, maybe 1 week a year." Now he didn't actually say it, but I know he would still want to make up as much time the week before/after the vacation that falls in the same 2 week pay period so he doesn't even have to use a full 40 hours for the vacation.
I don't know how to even talk to him about this to get him to see it from a different perspective. Does he love work that much that he just doesn't care, or has he not actually thought about the "consequences" of him wanting to work so much and not even take vacation time off.
I am all for him working extra once in a while, or if he could really use the extra income, but not every damn day/week. At this point, if that is how he really feels, then why does he even want the kids full time? to see them 2 hours a day, if that much, and those 2 hours be filled with just homework and dinner?
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I know some people do, and
I know some people do, and some people have to work later than others. He doesn't though, it is not necessary or required. He wants to work more just because he wants to work more. I see him choosing to do it as different than him wanting to do it.
While the kids are in school, the before and after school care is from 7am until 6pm. He drops them off at 7am, and he gets home at 5:30. After taking in travel time, he can work 9 hours a day mostly every day (except for rare occasions when morning traffic sucks. So he can and does already work extra. When he brought up the "if you take them to school and get them, I can work longer" was him wanting to be in work at 7 and work until 5 (meaning he would be gone from 6:15am until 6:15pm every single day of the week. If his job was open weekends, he would probably want to work weekends as well.
If he was in a career where it was mandatory to work 50-60 hours a week, that would be completely different.
The money issue isn't really an issue. He makes enough that after mandatory bills and hundreds of "fun money" each month, he is able to save $1000+ a month.
Is there anything else going
Is there anything else going on at home that might make him not want to be home?
The only thing waiting for
The only thing waiting for him when he gets home is his kids. And getting their homework done and getting dinner ready (which I do about half the time, most of the cleanup during the week, and I don't live with him).
The only thing I can see is that he sees it as by the time he gets home and the homework and dinner is done, there isn't much time to do anything else, so why not just work more.
if you don't live with him,
if you don't live with him, why are you doing it for him?
If you weren't doing it, he'd have to be home to do it. Or, be mad at you because you haven't done what is not your responsibility to do.
I am doing it because I want
I am doing it because I want to. Not because he asks/makes me.
The cleaning part anyway, is just how I was brought up. Wash the dishes as soon as you are done with them. He leaves them sit overnight/sometimes days until the sink is full. I do not have any problem doing the dishes most of the time. Sometimes we do it together, other times he does it all himself.
I like to cook (certain things) so I do it. I also seem to be able to get dinner done quicker when I do it, and I can clean faster when I do it. So if I do it, and get it done quicker, that leaves more time for other things.
I don't want to change him, I
I don't want to change him, I just want to talk to him about it so he knows how it makes me feel about everything, and try to figure out why he wants to work so much. Is he not considering how it will affect his life outside of work (not realizing how little time it leaves for his kids), or if he just doesn't care.
I have told him that I will not watch the kids/take them to/from school just so he can work more. If he wanted me to do it so he could change his schedule around (work from 7-3 every day which would avoid traffic which means less time away each day), I would consider it in the future.
" i would also think about how much he gets mad at you for not helping...because after all why does he have you around? is it to help kids?"
... I think this is what bothered me most about the way he said "if you deal with the kids, I can work more. It made me feel like I was just more of a babysitter than a partner.
" you could also mention casually "gee it would be nice if i got an hour a day with you as well. but work seems to be #1 these days"
... I brought this up when he started the new position. His last postion, he would leave at 4 and get home around 4:40, and didn't have to pick the kids up until 6. It gave us about an hour alone each day if we wanted it, and also allowed him to get them a lot earlier if we wanted to go out and do something during the week, like hiking or take the kids to play somewhere outside of the home. Once he started the new position, I communicated with him that it would change things, we would no longer get any alone time (because their mother wasn't around and he has noone else to watch them outside of the after-school program). and asked if he could try coming home earlier once every week or 2 as long as nothing else is really going on that he would have to miss work for. He said he would try, but now months later seems like he forgot/doesn't really want to. These past 6 weeks, hasn't had the opportunity to because of making up time from court dates, appointments, etc.
I have given up some things
I have given up some things to spend more time with my SO even though he never asked me to. I used to love watching football every Sunday during the season. I "had" to give that up to spend more time with my boyfriend. Since he works so late during the week, has a 2:30-4:30 ABA appointment for his youngest son every Saturday, sundays were the only full days we had to do whatever we wanted. I gave up watching football because actually having time with him was more important than watching a game.
Whenever he says that he gives up so much already for me, why am I asking for "X", i counter with "well I gave up some stuff too, football sundays, etc." he responds with "Well I didn't ask you to, if you want to stay home and watch it then stay home and watch it." That isn't even the point.
His priorities seems to be "work, sleep, other things, kids, then me."
I don't see how 1-2 hours
I don't see how 1-2 hours extra a day is something unusual or extragavagant. People on salary routinely work way over 8 hours a day until job is done. He works til 5:20. Why is it so unusual? I don't understand the dilemma.
Well, some people work a lot
Well, some people work a lot because they are workaholics (just have that A type personality), some people work a lot because they need the money, and some people work a lot because they don't want to deal with what's waiting for them at home.
Maybe having his kids full time is not the best plan.
"Maybe having his kids full
"Maybe having his kids full time is not the best plan."
Yeah, I don't know. Their mother is not a good parent from what I have seen. No structure, no rules. Doesn't even get them to do their homework half the time. Has mental and physical issues. She doesn't work, but is going to school right now (probably mostly to get more money from GI bill). So she has the time to spend more time with them and do things with them and is able to get them as soon as school gets out. She also moved states away, so it is not like they can work on something where she gets them from 3:15-6 and then he gets them from 6-bedtime most days of the week. If she lived close and was willing to do that, that would be the best thing for them, but it isn't an option.
Doesn't his employer have to
Doesn't his employer have to approve overtime? I would not approve that extra expense routinely. For a special project or special circumstances, sure. But not routinely because one of my employees felt like earning overtime.
I don't even know. He works
I don't even know. He works in IT and they are short on people, so I understand him needing/wanting to work extra sometimes when it is really busy, but not every single day.
When we were talking, the week of the 4th came up (because the kids will be with their mother that week), and I said "you could work 48 hours that week" and he said "I don't even know if I could work that much (meaning boss might not approve/allow him to do it)" so I am not really sure.
My SO leaves for work between
My SO leaves for work between 5:30 AM and 6 am every morning and doesn't get home until 6:30 pm to 7:30 pm each night. He claims 50 hours a week, and banks the rest for when he needs time off for appointments or if he has rain days and can't work or if he is laid off for a few weeks each winter/spring.
My late husband had the similar hours.
Both in construction.
Like the saying "You make hay when the sun is shining".
It is what it is.
Perhaps I am just used to it, but I wouldn't complain about an hour or 2 of overtime a day. Double shifts, Yes.
My SO is also in
My SO is also in construction.
He works 7-4 usually.... but ramps up to 7-6... or 7-7.... and some hours on Saturdays too...
it offsets his hours being cut to 8-2, 8-1 in the winter... or like Salems Lot, if the weather is too crappy to work outside...
It is what it is....and sometimes, what it is, is a big ole bag of balls.
At least he gets time off
At least he gets time off each year, whether it was planned ahead of time or not. In the past 2 years since I have been with my boyfriend, he has only taken 1 week vacation (this past spring break). In the past, he didn't even want to use his holiday days on the actual holiday. He would just save them for days that he had to take off for appointments. At least with this new position, he cannot work on the holidays, so has to use them on the day of the holidays (looking forward to 4th of July).
SO used to have a job where
SO used to have a job where they would have mandatory OT for about 3 months a year. He would work 10-12 hour days 6-7 days a week. Now he has a job where they often get off a little early a day or two a week. It's great. We love it. He can usually stop and get groceries on those days or hit golf balls or whatever he feels like. He also almost always has weekends off now. We both hated his hours at his other job. He makes more money at this job, too, it's non-union, the insurance is cheaper, it has perks.
SO leaves at 6 am and I leave at 8 am, we both get home at 4:30 most days. He's changed jobs twice to get the hours he wanted.
glad to have a response that
glad to have a response that isn't just telling me "working 10 hours a day is normal and most people do it."
It is fine for people who do it, and both partners are happy with it. I am not though, for both my sake and thinking about the kids and how they would feel about it if they knew he was CHOOSING to work longer, not that he HAD to.
SO also missed out on a lot
SO also missed out on a lot of skid events with his old hours. The second job he took was a real hit to pay but it did allow him to see the skids more. His new job was not a hit in a pay and gives him way more time. We've been together 8 years and have never had a weekend off together without SO taking vacation time.
I'd rather pinch pennies than spend tons of time at work and I love my job! My boss, too, lets me off early with pay about once a week. We both have pretty good set-ups.
It doesn't even have to be a
It doesn't even have to be a full day!
I would be happy if he just came home 1 hour early once every 1-2 weeks so we can have some time alone, and more time in general.
I don't get him sometimes. He loves his job, and wants to work longer hours. But at the same time, he says he wants to do other things outside of work (that we don't have time to do with how much he already works). Go hiking 1-2 times a week, taking the kids out to play, etc. He could do that if he left work at 4, but is not possible when he works until 4:30. That extra 30 minutes would get him home 45 minutes sooner, and then there would be time to go out and do things during the week. But instead of doing that so that he can do other things he wants, he just wants to work longer.
I like it when DH works late
I like it when DH works late and goes out of town. I enjoy the quiet and time alone with my girls. However, i don't appreciate the extra responsibility it puts on me if his kids are here. It happened on a regular basis when SD15 lived with us full time. I eventually had to let DH know I was unhappy with it. Now, he typically tries to make it home early while skids are here.
His priorities seems to be
His priorities seems to be "work, sleep, other things, kids, then me.
That really sucks, emma.
Yeah. And when he wants to
Yeah. And when he wants to work even more extra hours, guess what time it cuts into? Me, because I am at the end of the priority list. Not sleep, not the other things he wants to do (like sit and play on his phone for hours).
Are you sure that's the life
Are you sure that's the life you want?
Your post is really unclear.
Your post is really unclear. I mean, you describe the situation, but I'm not getting what you are concerned about.
You don't want him to be working such long hours because... it would reduce the time he spends with his kids? With you?
He wants to work such long hours because then he doesn't have to use up vacay for doctor's appts, etc.
He wants to go away for a week with you, but you think he would just work longer and 'bank' more time.
Most of that is not really your business. I mean, you're affected by it, of course, but they are his choices to make.
I can tell you that my DH can fall into the trap of too many hours out of the house for work - for him, it's really timing the commute that has a bigger impact than actual hours behind his desk. For the most part, we arrange our family life around his hours. He's home in time to make dinner, eat dinner together as a family, and to 'supervise' the bedtime routine. It's a sacrifice either way. He needs to leave for the day at 6.15 am in order to do that. Otherwise, he's home in time to put DD to bed.
We could put DD to bed later, but then we'd have no time as a couple each day, and that time is really important to us.
I'm not sure if your SO is really telling you that all he wants to do is work, or that he wants to bank the flexibility of time off in the future. I think more than 40 hours of work per week is silly myself, I think even those who love their work need to have a meaningful life outside of work, but I know lots of people have other values. With the option to bank a few hours regularly, combined with having kids that need him to stay home sometimes, or take them to appointments, etc, I'd seriously consider arranging my life to bank an hour a day if I could.
He sounds super selfish !
He sounds super selfish ! Stop going to his house during the week and stop helping him with his kids. Go back to dating and make plans in the weekends or when he has free time.
I think the issue isn't long
I think the issue isn't long hours.
He isn't married or engaged to you and you don't even live together. He doesn't even spend enough time with you. Yet you go to her house to cook clean and babysit like unpaid maid. I get you like it but if you like doing all that you could do it for a pay or do it for your own kid and your own family.
He has no desire to change anything because you are doing all this for him with no commitment and while not even being his priority.
You deserve better than this.
Now I know I have reason to
Now I know I have reason to complain about SO's hours....
He leaves 6am in the mornings and returns 6pm at night - 12 hours, Mon-Fry
SO has reason to complain about my hours.... 7am - 6pm and no lunch break....
Guess what - we do not get over time paid out, and lawfully we only have to work 45 hours per week...
We do not even get time off for the additional hours.... i don't mind at all hahahahaha I don't work in the office
I did not read all of the
I did not read all of the responses but this is my take. It sounds like your DH has manager mentality. Not hourly mentality.
I leave my house at 5:45 and return home at 5pm. It is what you do normally in management. You work more and you are ok with it. Honestly, you should be very happy for him to have a job that he LOVES. Do you know how rare that is?
It sounds like you are ok with taking up the slack for him when he works you just want his time right? Maybe ask him if one day a week he can come home on time to spend it with you. What do you do for a living and what hours do you work?