He's agreed to couples/family therapy, trying some meds to help mellow his temper (maybe less telling me what I'm "allowed" to do), and I'm reading a few couples therapy books. He's agreed to do the workbooks with me. I guess I'll see where it goes from there.

Thanks for reading, just wanted to vent.

I generally just try to do my own thing during kid visits and try to be positive and friendly. I tapered off doing family activities as much, as it was too intolerable.

They're not "bad" kids, but they are spoiled, and very biased against me. The kid part could be much worse. My husband is my main issue now. He should be supportive of my role as a stepparent. And that he doesn't have time, well then back-off and stop micro-managing our house!

For now just trying to grit my teeth and not make things worse.

Yeah, sometimes I wonder exactly that: why am I with him??

Love doesn't make it all okay.

He has rules, and even using that term: RULES! He says he is the breadwinner and the boss. When he's in bad temper, he says some pretty nasty things... Not that I think he doesn't believe it, but at least in his regular state of mind he is happy, gentle, and kind. Still... not supportive.

He earns good money, but most of it goes to the other household. Not only child support, but he gives a subsidy just to keep the kids, his ex, and his ex's new husband in their mansion. It's the children's childhood home, that's been the logic. We live month-to-month, have credit card debt, and money is TIGHT in our household.

Believe me, I'm stuck on that too!!!

I'm not even a "submissive type." And our relationship will not be a good one unless we're equal and have mutual respect.

Agreed, it is nonsense... I used to think I deserved it, but the more secure/confident I become in myself and the healthier I become, the more I've realized I don't deserve it. I deserve support.

I've read some about step parenting, and what's appropriate and what's not. Decision-making, boundaries, etc.. And while it's not appropriate that I should be making decisions on the big issues (like kid's religion), I should be able to set some basic rules in my own home, and they should be treated with support by my husband (i.e., make it clear to the kids they need to listen to me).

I'm not talking strict rules here... Just put things away when you're done with them, put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher, make your beds at the end of the weekend, and pick up your own trash (Popsicle sticks, candy wrappers, empty soda bottles). Oh, and if you're going to play a family board game, then you must be respectful of the other players (do NOT yell at your sister "Go kill yourself" because you don't like the move she made), and if you sulk because you're losing and then quit, you won't be playing the next round or game.

Ha. These are all things my husband has told me I'm "petty" to point out, that I'm supposed to be the parent (oh really?) and the adult and not stoop to their level, and that I'm a negative person and make a big deal out of trivial things, that instead I should be supporting him, "I should be happy because I'm happy watching him be happy."

The boy cleans up NOTHING after himself unless he's in a kind mood (about 30% of the time), and the girl makes more of an effort. The boy makes his bed about once a year (generally leaving pillows all over the floor, and litter everywhere), the girl makes her bed about 70% of the time (granted, it takes me "nagging" my husband to remind the kids for her to actually do this, but still), and the boy regularly says abusive things to the girl in a cruel, bitter tone (and this often while I'm trapped sitting across the table from them playing a two hour board game!) A minimum is done about all of this by my husband, and I of course cannot say anything directly to them about any of it.

Yeah, maybe I'll start imagining a different life. I've actually never done that before. Thanks

It's five years in, and five years seems significant to me. I mean, in the beginning I told myself things would be better in five years-- that we'd all have figured out how to get along in a harmonious manner and I'd have a solid and good relationship with my step kids. And my husband too, of course...

But none of that has happened. All that's happened is that there is a general level of misery, like a continuous low-grade fever, and we've all just figured out how to exist in disfunction. The girl says she can't wait to go away to college, in order to "get away from her parents and family." Can't say I blame her.

Funny, "priorities" is the regular lecture I get. I "don't have the right priorities." There is no time or energy for affection (unless it's sex), validating or emotionally supportive words, or conversations about our relationship. There is only time for work, kids, hobbies, and anything my husband considers happy things. He's not going to try to remember to say nice things to be or give me a hug or something, because he has a demanding job and when not working he needs to blow off steam, no room for anything else.

I get it he's busy, but what I'm asking for doesn't take a great deal of time. And I've noticed that the more I accept being last priority, the more I am expected to be last priority.

I looked that up, thank you! I recognize Gardener from some other things I've read.

I've read that children in divorce situations often feel torn between both parents, but when there's stepparents involved, they're an easy scapegoat. Children who feel upset and angry can blame all the problems on the stepparent(s) and therefore not have to be angry with their biological parents. That's emotionally easier for the kids to handle. The stepparent then becomes the scapegoat for all the family problems. And in my case, that was promoted and is supported by their mother, though of course my husband hasn't done much to help.

BM definitely has made me bad though, and don't allow me to be "good," since the kids are yelled at for any evidence of positive interaction with me. Borrow a sweatshirt of mine? She tells at them. Wear I pair of sunglasses I buy? She yells at them, and then buys a more expensive pair of sunglasses. Mine are never worn again. ...It's endless.

Thanks

I work on the main level of the house, and that's unfortunately where most of the entertainment stuff is too. When it's just me and my husband, it's the perfect set up: we both just work, or together watch a movie or something. But when the kids are here, they're generally on the main level. They're very loud. My husband tells them to use headphones, but it's a constant struggle. Plus, they yell and fight and seem to purposely laugh as loud as possible! The girl is just naturally loud, but the boy is passive-aggressive and will be exceptionally loud to bother me. He knows that if he's loud enough, I'll go someplace else. He resents wearing headphones, and really just wants all the common areas to be his space (shoes in the middle of the floor, bags unpacked all over the living room, laptop and personal items spread out over the entire kitchen table for the entire weekend, etc).

Six months ago we made a basement room into a "game room." They were down there a lot then, but it's kind of isolated, which they didn't like (understandably), but lately they never go down there-- it's too much of a mess, they say. Although they did make the mess...

Sometimes I go up to our bedroom, but I'm limited up there in terms of work. Also, they then turn movies and video games up SUPER LOUD and so I'm still losing focus on work.

Maybe I'll alter the set up in our bedroom to allow me to work up there more. If volume can be kept down on the main level to a reasonable level, I should be able to be productive.

That's a good idea! Thank you so much!

I thought for a little while he maybe does have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He doesn't meet all the criteria, but the things he says when he's angry are so dominant and ego-centric.

I recently bought a book on Aspergers Syndrome, and before that read up on it a fair amount. He meets ALL the criteria for mild Asperger's syndrome. People can have really bad rages too-- Aspergers rages. His are exactly like that.

Narcissists don't care about other people, whereas people with Aspergers do care, but they don't know how to show it in emotionally validating ways. My husband shows he cares in Practical ways, but when I tell him he should have just given me a hug in this instance, or should have asked if I was okay in that instance, he becomes confused. Why would he give me a hug if I'm upset about SS breaking my nice vase? Why wouldn't he instead quietly go about trying to replace it? ... That's the sort of logic.

Also in his logic: Why would he need to spend one-on-one time with me, if we can all four of us play games instead? Then he's spending time with me all the same. He doesn't see the kids as often, so why wouldn't their visits be all about them? He's around me plenty (albeit his back is turned from me and he's on his computer working). Why would I want to talk about improving things, when we would spend the little alone time we have together just being happy instead? --All his logic, and matches up pretty well with Aspergers thinking.

But not sure that's more hopeful than dealing with a narcissist, because if he insists it's his way and there's no compromise then the effect is similar.

That's a good idea, thanks

Funnily enough, we tried therapy once before and the guy was very religious... though thankfully had a modern view on marriage. My husband's control issues were apparent right from the start of the therapy, but he refused to work on himself until after I made improvements on a whole list of things he came up with. The therapist was exasperated by him, and quickly asked to work with just me for awhile, at which point he began trying to help me get out of my marriage.

This time around there needs to be some ground rules for mutual respect. Therapy sessions can't be dominated by my husband dictating terms to me. I'm not going to sit through that again. What a waste of money! A whole hour of being berated.

Recently he's admitted he has issues he needs to work on. He's also agreed to medication to help with his anger issues. And he's accepted he could have Aspergers syndrome. Hoping all of this means that this time around therapy can be more effective.

Haha that's actually really cute! And quite true...!

It's been a roller coaster from early on in our relationship. Early on though BM was so horrific that it seemed more based on her than anything else. She did make things an incredible amount more difficult (and sometimes still does), but now that she's remarried it isn't as bad as it was. But DH and I still have problems, so it's become apparent that some of the issues were just between us.

Understood!

I had originally written, "I HATE..." but edited that down to "I do not like" lol