FDH and I are expecting our baby boy in a couple weeks and I have worried about ALL of these exact same things regarding SS7. Situation sounds so similar down to the psychotic manipulative child for a BM lol. I've come to the point of realizing I can only worry about my son and our family here. SS's BM does everything she can to stick FDH with as little time with his son as possible, and I'm sure this will cause SS to resent his new brother- especially because he'll go from being an only child to only being able to see his dad once in a while compared to the baby who will be here all the time. I've decided I won't get myself worked up over bad choices on BM's part (or FDH's part) because I can't control them and that I simply will not tolerate bad behavior from SS acting out when he's here. I could waste time getting angry about it, but I already see that that is wasted energy that could be spent positively on the baby. And by the way, SS's baby resenting has already started- we bought him some Hot Wheels the other days and out of nowhere he starts saying, "These aren't for "new baby*. I'll never share anything with him!" and so on. I'm guessing BM has already started trying to brainwash him against the baby.

I think these are common fears for all stepparents who plan to have children with their SO in the future. Let me tell you my experience so far:

My BS is only 7 months and my skids are a lot younger than yours, though. But even so, I'll have to say that so far, most of the stress has been on DH more than anyone. Our biggest issue to face at this exact moment is that when the skids come over, I automatically take over all the care for BS. I feel guilty "making" DH do anything with him or take care of him becase I feel he should get to spend quality time with the skids. But this has led to some resentment because DH is looking at the situation like "SteppingUp isn't spending any time with the skids, she only pays attention to BS". Whereas I'm resenting him for essentially not letting me spend quality time with the skids. For example, we took the skids swimming and I was looking forward to playing with them in the pool and having some bonding time with them. We tried all playing together but BS got tired and needed a nap, so I went and sat in the shade with him while he napped with me. I watched DH and the skids swim and play. He never once asked me if I'd like to join and he'd take over baby duty....so afterwards I was kinda mad and disappointed, and he was complaining about being exhausted! Arg!

As for the skids, SS4 just doesn't really do much with the baby yet. Maybe as he gets older some more jealousy will sprout out, but really I haven't seen much. His life hasn't changed really (but like I said, maybe that's because DH gives him so much attention when he's here). I think alot more of the stress and speculation of "how are things going to be?" is more of a stress on DH than anyone. He worries about it all too, and alot of the questions you posed he brings up a lot. I could go on and on but I just wanted to share a tidbit of what life is like in teh beginning months of this situation!

I know this sounds like crappy advice, but you just have to cross that road when you get there. If you are sensitive to these questions and you're not even pregnant/TTC yet, I think you're off to a great start. You will think of ways to phrase things to SS so taht he won't feel left out or abandoned or anything. And maybe he'll be more mature by that time, too. I think it's important to maintain or begin a "tradition" with SS now that continues, even if it's just an hour of catch or something alone with Dad -- and make a point to continue doing that after a baby is born. Everyone wants to feel important and loved.

Yep. Yep. Yep.

I worry about this all the time. DH and I actually held off on getting pregnant last year because SS2 was so nuts at the time. He attacked his brother, his father, and myself as well on a daily basis. That said, he has calmed down a TON. Now, he only hits when his brother is teasing him (pushing, grabbing his face, stealing his toys, etc.) which still gets a time out, but which is much more understandable.

SS5 is also a concern now that he's become so interested in bothering his brother and getting him in trouble. (as I was writing this, I caught him in the process of getting his brother in trouble again)

DH thinks we can handle it by being extremely strict in the discipline arena. I have no doubt whatsoever that BM will try to turn both of them against any half-sibling that enters the scene.

How is your DH when it comes to discipline? I think if he is pretty strict and if he makes sure SS respects your feelings and wishes, then it's worth a try. If not, I think the whole situation might spell disaster.

I am currently expecting my first child and I have the same concerns. SD9 and SD11 and very clingy with DH and are very jealous. We still haven't told them we are expecting but I am going to start showing very soon (I'm 3 months along) and I am worried how they will take the news.

When I know that a major life decision that my husband and I have made or are going to make is going to upset my stepson (moving, anticipated trip gets canceled, new school, etc...), we take the stance that he is the child, we are the adults and we make the decisions based on what we think is best for us and our family, not how ss (or bm, or the inlaws, or anyone else) will react. We do the best we can to soothe the transition but keep moving forward. When we moved, we talked about it with ss, we bought and read books about moving, we let him pack his stuffed animals and clothes. Preparation can make a big difference for kids with any major life change. I'm sure that when you and your husband decide to bring more kids into your family that you will do a wonderful job preparing your ss to be a big brother and he will adjust with time.

I've had similar concerns with ss5. I had my bd last year. When dh and I told him we were expecting he immediately regressed to a 2 year old. Bm didn't make it any easier, due to her jealousy and hatred. She would tell ss5 that his dad would "forget" about him and even had the nerve to say to dh that their son woulnt be "new" anymore! He's 5 for crying out loud! Once my daughter was born, something happened that I never expected. My ss5 absolutely ADORES his little sister! Everywhere we go he brags about how cute she is etc...from time to time I see some jealousy which is natural. My suggestion to you is to just think positive and wait until the you have the baby. You never know how he'll deal with it. Just always put your bio kid best interest first no matter what!