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update on sd and her twins

Dreary's picture

Submitted by Dreary on Mon, 08/14/2017 - 1:18pm

Someone asked for an update on my other post. Dh brought sd and her twins home to our house. First he had to buy car seats since bm refused to give him anything she purchased or her family and friends bought. Once they were home dh and I (to be sure he bought only needed items and what those items are, example they don't need a high chair right now and dh tried to buy one)went shopping. We got a pack in play for them to sleep in, onies, t shirts, pjs, bottles and formula, bath stuff, bouncy chair, swing and blankets. Dh spent all his money and not a cent of mine. When we got home the twins and sd were all crying and I felt bad for her but then I remembered the snotty comment she gave me when she got here and I asked if she needed help. She was right, What would I know since I'm not a mom. This is why I hate her. Every time one of her babies cry my heart hurts. I want to love them and cuddle them, even the one named after bm but I know it's better I keep my distance. This morning I overheard sd talking to bm on the phone listing what dh bought her. I think one day soon we will get home and sd and all the stuff will be gone and we won't see sd or her kids till Christmas time or she turns 16 and wants a car.

Comments

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Tue, 08/15/2017 - 9:41am

So basically the responsibility for the babies care and shelter has fallen to DH and you by default. Start looking at all the resources for her to help take the burden off you and DH. Also to make it at all possible for her and the babies to thrive.

Hopefully SD will finish her schooling, she's in 9th/10th grade? There are many online high school alternatives so she could still care for the babies and finish online.

Food stamps, welfare, WIC. When she is old enough get her on a waiting list for subsidized housing.

Go for child support! Regardless of the fathers age I'm pretty sure he is still financially responsible for his children. Also make BM pay support since SD is living w/you and DH. It's unfair for only one parent to bear the burden of all this.

And please get that girl on birth control or get her spayed Wink or you and DH could be doing this again next year.

secret's picture

Submitted by secret on Tue, 08/15/2017 - 9:49am

I used to think giving birth was considered an emancipation event...then I realized it was just medically.

I also read that in some states, even marriage isn't an automatic emancipation event if both parties are under 21... unless it's done against the parents' wishes.

If my daughter came home pregnant, I would force her to become self sufficient. I would of course make sure the baby wasn't in danger, or neglected in any way, but I wouldn't make things easy for my daughter. She'd struggle, for sure.

No babysitting, no help so she can sleep, nothing. (again, unless the baby was at risk.)

Just because babies came out of SD doesn't make her a parent. It makes her a mother - but she knows so very little about taking care of babies... something that a grown woman, despite having no kids of her own, is surely more knowledgeable about purely from life experience.

SD would do well to stop trying to act like an adult before she finds herself with all the adult responsibilities.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Tue, 08/15/2017 - 1:48am

SD is only 15 - she's scared and confused and yes telling you, you do not know how to parent cause you are not a mother.

Remember this - you do become a mother when you give birth cause that's the name for it, but it's not to say you are a parent yet, you only learn how to parent as the child grows.

Thus if both babies are screaming, simply walk to SD and keep on offering your help, she will take it soon, but keep distance as well, you do not want to take over and have SD running around again leaving the babies with you... it's her responsibility, she does not realize yet her teenage, kid years are over, no more night clubs, no more hanging with friends in the mall, no more going on dates with boys.... she has responsibilities.

You can simply wash the cloths for her and blankets.... you can simply sterile the bottles and make sure there's always a clean set of everything. That is help enough.

Then start talking to DH - SD can only get a car when she has a job.... she choose to be an adult now, thus she must live with the consequences

fairyo's picture

Submitted by fairyo on Tue, 08/15/2017 - 3:21am

When I first met my OSD she had just given birth to twins- not the best intro to my future life! I admired her at first because she was very good at delegation (handing one over so she could go out for a fag, getting people to order in pizza, taking them out and sitting in coffee shops all day- you get the picture?) I thought, 'What a woman she knows how to play this motherhood game,' but when she asked us to babysit when the babies were a few weeks old I said no, she's taking the p*** and you know what? DH went on his own, cared for those two babies and their big brother all my himself. Of course he came back feeling like the best grandaddy in the world. You know, if I had gone that would have been a regular thing in our lives for months! So glad I held back. Those babies are on their way to being teenagers now and I haven't seen them for months- they've turned into the entitled brats their family have made them.

In all this post, sorry I don't recall the OP, there is no mention of the babies' father? Is he on the scene, in prison, in hospital, at university, in China, in an old folk's home? What the hell happened to him and his responsibilities??????

Of course, OSD was twice the age of OP's SD and had a doormat for a husband- she still doesn't have a job and gets money all the time from DH- but I still think... not my circus, not my monkeys.

stepmum-mark2's picture

Submitted by stepmum-mark2 on Tue, 08/15/2017 - 5:49am

LOL - my oldest dd had twins in December! And she's doing an amazing job, I don't know how she does it, her partner works away so she's on her own most of the time and lives a two hour plane trip from me. She also doesn't drive!

I'd be there babysitting in a NY minute too.

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Tue, 08/15/2017 - 11:26am

... Has anyone suggested that SD get a DNA test started? It could be one of several boys, so it's best she start now so that she can start getting help caring for these kids...

If you live in the U.S. there are services available to the mom. Get her to sign up for WIC, medical for the babies, etc. She should be able to get AFDC for baby expenses. (When she signs up for AFDC they should ask who the father is and go after him for support. At least here they do.)

She needs to go back to school. Call your school department and ask what is available. Here we have daycare at the high school and a mom program at the Y that leads to a GED. At both the mom eats lunch with the child and gets instruction on caring for the baby.