Here's my thoughts...pregnancy and the grandmother role. As you've said, the SD has kept you at arm's length. You've not been considered family (not included in family photos), you dealt with a toxic BM, who has definitely impacted her kids against you and your DH for years. The pregnancy opened another door...your role in that child's life...and they had to "act." I feel your pain....I was shunned from the stepparent role and in a very public way. 

While this is all speculation, the info you shared and what I know from this board, that "grandmother" role is a trigger and many of us have experienced it here. All you can do is disengage. Let your DH manage his kids and grands. He can visit at their home, keeping them away from you. Be clear, whether you tell your DH or make your stand alone (keeping the thoughts to yourself), you will not be babysit, buy gifts, or even take interest in any of those who shun you. Can it be done? Yes, because it's how we operate here. DH has seen his kids away from our home for over 6 years now. I do not ask questions and when he does say things about them, I give generic responses...that's nice, good for them, etc. 

Two of DHs kids have visited here in the past year....with my approval. My mindset is....DH has company. I offer drinks and then excused myself to other parts of the house or my studio. He entertains them. If ever his kids want him to babysit, I've been clear. That's YOUR job....you watch, bathe, change diapers, play, etc. CajunMom is not lifting one finger. And why? First, why should I in the SM role be treated horribly but yet expected to "give" motherly duties to the same people?? Second, I will NEVER put myself in a position to be falsely accused by DHs kids.....they're known to lie and re-write history. No way will I expose myseld to that liabilty. 

Best to you as you learn to disengage (search this board) and heal from the inflicted wounds. Protect yourself at all costs. Block them on social media, your phone and email. Maybe see a therapist who is familiar with toxic stepfamilies. Above all, protect YOU.

husband had my back stating that im his first priority, 
 

That's a good man right there!

took them on holidays, bought gifts give them money etc, treated them like my own children given i do not have them.

and this is where you effed up 

80% of these skids are not going to treat you like a bio mom so don't even waste energy n resources like that because look where it got you

Fast forward a few months baby is born and husband received photos and has been invited to meet his grandchild, i have not been invited or recieved any photos, i understand that im not blood  grandparent and that is SD's  prerogative, what i dont understand is all the hate is coming from and not knowing what i have actually done to them, i feel like a total non event and been kicked to the kirb after 25 yrs and feel i am  being used as thier scapegoat.
 

I might be a little cynical but eff them ... if they're going to play hostage games with those grandkids then don't even give them the thrill of the reaction they're looking for 

they're trying to get dopamine hits by hurting and punishing you emotionally using their kids as pawns. 
 

don't be bothered trying to know them or their kids. 

There's millions of kids on this planet and nothing special about those kids in particular  

Find some friends with grand babies and be a god-grandmother, etc.

associate with people who respect you and know your worth 

We stepparents are often not good for much in our SKIDs lives - but the one thing which we ARE good for - is Ta Dah!  being a scapegoat.  It's so easy for SKIDs to project all their utter crap onto us, with very little comeback on them, because their bio parent is usually kissing their backsides to try and stay in their good books.  I agree with Lillywy - ie associate with people who respect you and know your worth - and don't expend a moment's more energy on these nasty people. 

You will ever get anyplace.  It will be one excuse after another .  Same end result.. your fault 

Welcome to my/our world(s). I'm so sorry you're in the midst of this. My DH is currently driving to SD's house to meet his latest grandbaby. He sees his kids 2 - 4 times a year. They do not come to our house any longer. I stay out of it all 100%. Skids for years treated me as an outsider who they hate. I initially misread their behavior (naive/in denial) and then was too forgiving, believing they'd change, but finally had my fill of abuse and said "enough." (Yea, DH gets all the photos/videos, i.e. dangling carrots, and I was never included. . . I could go on & on.) DH is somewhat sorrowful that I won't meet/get to know the grands but fully understands that I will NOT be held hostage (as the skids were by their mother) and will not put myself in the position of being a person "punished" by then having the grands withheld and/or trained to hate me, another generation treating me like crap. 

I, too, believe all of this is based on their "need" to please/show loyalty to BM, in your case all of this triggered by the grandchild. It's sickening. F our feelings. But, in reality, it has nothing to do with us. We could be anybody. Just really sad and disgusting that these people feel fine about treating other human beings this way.

When I fully acknowledged that the skids were people I would never normally choose to be around, when I acknowledged all their nasty covert (and overt) jabs, I accepted that they "needed" to dislike/hate me, and I was over it. I have 100% disengaged. It started with no more gift giving from me. Eventually, I totally stopped acknowledging them at all on birthdays and holidays (as they had done with me forever). I don't visit them. They are not allowed in our house any longer. We focus on our friends and my family members--people who treat us kindly. I have no room for rude people in my life. 

This didn't happen overnight. There were arguments/fights with DH through the worst of the years, when I began acknowleding things and he clung to his denial. I kept giving the skids chances. Until I just couldn't do it any longer. Getting OVER it took time, too. But now, honestly, I feel so relieved. I don't want these people in my life. I deserve respect and SELF RESPECT. I feel better about myself not knowing these ingrates. 

It would be normal for you to feel depressed. If you feel the need to speak with a counselor, definitely do that. Focus some time on others outside of the family who are good and decent people. My mental health has been saved by exercise, including yoga; other family relationships; my interests; and, of course, DH and I enjoying OUR time together. 

Stick around! 

My DH is a grandfather and has never met the child.  His Spawn worships at the meth addled feet of her drug addict mother.  I told DH it’s really not a loss since any relationship he wanted to have with the grandchild would be used to manipulate and control him.   While I understand it’s painful for them to do what they have done, it frees you from having to be in a toxic relationship with any of them anymore.  The fact that your DH has your back is amazing.

Sending you some digital hugs, because your post and comments indicate youve been pretty much alone in all this for a qtr of a decade. That your DH has your back and sees all that has transpired for what it is - thats amazing.

You sound like you are grieving - the arrival of the grand probably re-opened wounds that span a long period of time. You likely have a form of PTSD. Allow yourself this time to grieve and do not make any big decisions. Maybe seek some counseling. Writing it out here has been EXTREMELY healing for me. Along with the very practical advice.

During these visits with the grands, you go off and specifically do something wonderful for YOU. Book some time with your tribe. Do some self pampering. Reach out to your community.

I also do not have any kiddos of my own, and my niece and nephew live far away, and my brother doesnt really encompass me in their activities.

Its especially hard if you like and wanted children but that did not happen. So much of our society centers around being a parent and investing in your children, and those of us that dont have that are often disregarded as unimportant. Kids are great, if you have a great relationship with them and they are well-adjusted nice people. But much of our society teaches us that our validation comes from being a parent, and when you arent even "allowed" to be a stepparent - that hurts.

I would also advise that you get your life insurance and wills solid. These toxic spawn will kick you to the curb as soon as look at you, if anything were to happen to your DH. 

I agree with letting DH have his own relationship with his kids, with a few big "howevers." You should not be forced to spend holidays alone while DH travels to Skidville. And DH having his own relationship with the skids and grandskids needs to be separate from his ex/BM. There's a poster on here whose DH travels to visit the skids and spends the whole time as a happy family with them and BM while the OP sits at home, and he's on group chats and Facetimes with the skids and his ex. That crap would never fly and no woman needs to put up with that. If DH's kids can't "play nice" and be civil to his wife, that's a failure of his parenting and he needs to manage things so that his wife is still first in his life and doesn't suffer for it.

There is a grand baby here, too. It was born about a year and a half ago to the whinier of the two 40 year old daughterwives. I opted to not reengage during the pregnancy. I have been effectively erased from dh's family. No holidays. No pictures. No nothing. It hurts. My issue isn't with his family anymore, but with the character of my husband. Grieve as you need to. You aren't alone. Its as crummy as it seems.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and glad that your DH sees it and acknowledges it. As you can see from everyone's comments, many of us have been scapegoated. There are no grandSKs in my stuation yet, but they're bound to come along, and DH and I have discussed how to handle it when they do. Our plan is that we're a unit and we come together. We have no doubt that if DH accepted the opportunity to have a relationship with grandkids that excluded me, it would become a slippery slope with the SKs pushing the boundaries and using their own kids as pawns. Also, my SKs turning on me was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced, and it would hurt my heart if my DH spent time with them and left me out in the rain. (And if I was willing to be in a relationship that causes me pain, I would have stayed in my first marriage). Having said that, it seems to work for some of the other posters in this group, so you and DH need to decide what's best for your own relationship. The only right answer is the one that supports you individually and the two of you as a partnership. 

I'm sorry that your SKidults are failed family toxic spawn and playing games trying to use their own spawn as manipulation cards with your DH and you.

Hopefully your DH has the testicular fortitude to put his toxic failed family progeny in their place and set them straight that you are his bride and  together you are a unit whether the toxic SKidult breeding the next generation to add to their shallow and polluted gene pool like it or not.

I would never not be present with my mate. I would go, be radiant, be confident, and be on your DH's arm as he meets his GKs.  Failed morons like your Skids are like cockroaches and will scurry for the dark corners when you blast them with your happy confident radiance like roaches do when a light is thrown in in a dark roach filled room.

Do not tolerate crap from them or anyone else. You and DH live your best lives together and do not allow anyone or anything to interfere in that or separate you.

I do not tolerate this kind of crap and advise that no SParent tolerates it from their SKids, their SO's X, or their ILs. Anymore than they would allow their own prior realtionship children, their own X, or their own extended family to disrespect and separate you from your DH.

All of these types should be faced with zero tolerance to be disrespectful to their BP and their BP's mate. Keep them in their place and never sacrifice yourself on the alter of SParental martyrdom to a mate and their failed family baggage.

IMHO of course.

I became dad to my SS-31 (32 next week) 30 years ago tomorrow.  The main difference between my situation and yours is that my DW is the CP with full physical and legal custody since SS's birth and the SpermClan had only limited long distance visitation (7wks a year).  Though they were extremely manipulative, toxic, and hell bent on passing SS againse his mom and demonizing me.  No GSkids for me so no issues with the misguided defense of the oppositions defense of their shallow and polluted gene pool. DW would shred that instantly if anyone even tried it. I would be right there stomping them out as she shredded them for any attempt to disrespect her, me, or our marriage.

Take care of you.