That's actually really sad and unfair. I do apologize but I haven't followed your blogs... is there a reason you keep finances seperate? I think with younger kids in blended families it's nice to have finances together and try your best to work as a family for the kids sake... obviously that's not always possible but it avoids situations like this. Your kid might be used to it but I'm sure it doesn't hurt any less.

I would absolutely not tolerate that. I would not tolerate it for a stranger, I certainly would not tolerate it for my son.

He can't possibly think it is ok to lavish his children with insane amounts of gifts, and have your son not have the same?

That makes several points- loud and clear. #1- your son is NOT his family or his concern. #2- The two of you are not a family. It's his, and yours. #3- He enjoys hurting your son. #4- He likes making you look bad to your kid.

I have no doubt you give your son a wonderful Christmas. Don't worry about the monetary amounts, just make sure you make wonderful memories with him. When skids are opening their windfall, go make gingerbread men with your son so he doesn't have to watch, or make lunches and deliver them to the homeless (and include a set of gloves in each bag, you can get them at the dollar store. That's what we do.) Show him Christmas isn't about rampant consumerism and he will have received far more than the skids ever will.

That's super hurtful. The years that sd has been with us on Christmas morning I've made sure that there is an equal-ish number of gifts to open.

When SO's skid's used to come over, we always tried to have the same amount under the tree for each of them. We tried to be fair. We would ask each other what our budgets were, and work with in that. If one of us was low on cash, the other would contribute a little more to help out.

I know this is kind of the opposite situation of what you had posted but one year, after DH told me no skids would be at our house on X-mas morning, he then tried to spring them on me at the last minute. I told DH- NO! Why? Because all he had gotten his kids were a $50 gift card. I tried to explain to him how much drama it would create when my BS is opening up all of his gifts (I bought them all) and his kids have to sit there holding a gift card. Not that they shouldn't or wouldn't be grateful. But it would be awkward and uncomfortable for all involved.

I don't even like the skids, but I thought it would just seem really unfair and would cause more resentment. Which it 100% would have. DH did not get it at all.

I think what your DH is doing is wrong.

This is unfair to me. I mean, does your DH at least buy your son a gift? I cannot imagine treating kids so differently. When I was with my ex, I always made sure the skids (4 of them!) got stuff. I bought them gifts just like I bought others gifts. BS might get a little more from me, but that was not an obvious difference. Now we are separated, BS does not really get anything at his dad's as dad is unemployed. He got a shirt last Christmas from his dad, and nothing for his birthday there as long as I remember. My finances are really tight this year, as entering final semester of my MSN. So BF did all of Christmas for BS10. We went shopping together, but he financed it all. I did not ask, he wanted to. But that said we are probably under the $200 mark and I told him that his providing Christmas for BS10 is considered his gift to me, I don't want anything.

So I am assuming this all takes place Christmas morning? All kids open presents at the same time?

If that is the case....All I can think here is that my DH would NEVER have SS open $1500.00 in front of my kids while my kids opened MUCH less because I could not afford it. Nor would I allow my kids to do that in front of SS. (this is thinking younger kids, not adults.)

It is NOT his responsibility to buy your kids gifts BUT it shows what kind of man he is that he does not. IMHO.

I agree with Willow, it just shows what kind of man you married.

It doesn't matter that your finances are separate, that he makes more, that he's not obligated to do this or that, that life isn't fair, and all the other crap that people will say to justify what your husband does. It's mean.

My DH and I have separate finances, for several reasons. So, what? Our commitment to each other means that we are in this together.

If my DH thought I needed help financially, for ANY reason, he would give me his last dollar (even though I make more than him).

If he felt bad because he couldn't afford to buy his daughter what he really wanted to get her for Christmas, I would help him out.

Call us crazy but we love each other that way.

We have separate and joint finances. What I mean by that is we each have our own separate finances, but we also have a joint account we both contribute to for family expenses like the mortgage and trips and Christmas presents. We discovered early on that if we wanted a true family, then we needed to have common rules and gifts for his, mine and ours (yes, I can truly finally say ours because this year we finalized my husband adopting my youngest child!!!).

We contribute to the joint account based upon agreed amounts that we discuss both monthly and yearly, or anytime there is a significant change in circumstances (new job, loss of child support, child aging out, etc). When I was staying home, I contributed significantly less (from child support and savings) than he did. Now that I'm working, and making more than him again, I'm contributing significantly more.

But, our gifts to the kids (all five: 2 mine, 2 his, 1 ours) are equal-ish. I say "ish" because sometimes a kid has a need that is bigger than the others, or there's an age at which we want to gift something bigger. Like at 16, each kid gets a car for their birthday. But, just because 1 kid turns 16 that year doesn't mean every kid gets a $5,000 - $10,000 gift. The younger ones will get that gift when they reach that age, or the older ones already received it.

Personally, I wouldn't ever subject a child to what you're talking about. It's not okay and will create a disparate atmosphere in the home. If you want a conjoined family, it will never happen in this situation. I would sit my spouse down and discuss how he things it makes your child feel, as well as how he thinks it makes his kids feel. If he doesn't care, you have a bigger problem than finances.

One more thing. What you and your husband do for the kids should be separate from what the kids other parents and family members do.

Don't try to convince your husband that you need to do more for your son than you do for his kids because his kids have a mom and extended family. THAT is a life lesson your son will have to learn. The past few years, my kids have gotten nothing from their father or his side of the family because of the blow-up we had. He never sees our kids because they don't want anything to do with him and his psycho now-wife. But my stepkids get significant gifts from their mother and her side.

And I would never insist on it, but my MIL gives my 2 kids equal to what she gives her bio kids and our adopted kid. It makes me respect her a lot more than I already did. But, if she didn't, again, that's a life lesson. Same as how one of my kids has a BFF who comes from a family of significant money. That kid gets to go on very nice vacations with the BFF's family. None of the other kids do. Life lesson.

We have a similar issue but DD 3.5 is the one who is getting the most presents due to relatives and the fact that SD 15's behavior has been so bad she'd be getting coal from Santa (if Santa was real and truly had a naughty list).

DH & I aren't going crazy with gifts for DD, but I have a large extended family and DD has three grandparents who spoil her. SD's mom is no longer involved in her life and has no maternal relatives sending gifts. My mom doesn't know what to get her.

DH gets nothing but hate and anger from SD so he doesn't want to waste money on gifts she won't use. Shopping for her is impossible. She's the type of kid who whines and complains about everything and there's always some excuse or problem with everything. She has no interests, no hobbies. I am clueless as to what to get her and it feels like throwing away money. But DD has gotten so much that I know there will be jealousy issues.

I think gifts, including Christmas gifts, are entirely optional and at the discretion of the giver.

But good manners, kindness, and respect are for everyone.

I don't know if I've made incorrect assumptions about the OP's family Christmas, but I imagine a lovely tree with piles of gaily wrapped presents. Almost all of the presents are for the children. Possibly Mom and Dad have given each other a gift. Children have not given each other gifts.

Mom, Dad, and three children come down to open gifts. Coffee, hot chocolate, cookies, Christmas carols playing, and for about 30 minutes all three children open gifts and exclaim, "Thank you!" to their respective parents. But the unwrapping continues, for another 2-3 hours, only it's just Dad's kids unwrapping. Mom and Son sit there, brittle smiles on their polite faces, crumbling those damn Christmas cookies and praying for it to end. Finally it does, and Dad's kids run off happily content with their huge haul, Mom darts off to the kitchen to get Christmas dinner into the over, and Dad tells Mom's Son to get him a beer, and to be thankful he has a roof over his head.

Why not change things? One gift from each person to each other person to be opened first. All other gifts to be given and opened separately.

Four hundred dollars is nothing to sneeze at guys. Adding what the grandparents get and what the BM gives is just padding to make her case. Those are people she and her husband have no control of. If she needs help providing we should either ask and respect the results of find a means to bring more money in.

Wow, this makes me sad for your son! Not because I don't think you did enough for him for Christmas but the fact that he has to watch as his step siblings get so much more. It has to make him feel inferior to the other children. I don't see a problem with your husband wanting to spend that on his kids if he can but why do it right in front of your son's face?!? It does seem cruel.

When I was younger my mom dated a man that treated his kids completely different than me and my brothers...trust me...we noticed! If we went to a cabin for a weekend they go their own room b/c their daddy paid for it and they got to eat roast beef and we had to eat the cheaper lunch meat b/c their daddy paid for it. That relationship didn't last long but I still remember how those kids treated me. I don't think this is doing his children any favors either.

I really hope you find a way to make sure your son knows that the amount of gifts/money spent don't equal his worth and that he is loved and that is what really matters.