SD17 pretty much comes and goes now.

I remember when she would lay her whole body on me when she was nine. Sometimes I would be irritated by it...why was she so clingy, needing attention?

But something would take hold of me...instinct always kicked in. And I mean always...even when I wanted to be irritated it would kick in, and we would lay there, and I would run my fingers through her hair.

Her little plump cheeks would be so close to mine. She would talk and talk. (That hasn't changed.) And at bedtime, she'd do these rituals wherein I'd have to pick out the book she would read herself to sleep.

One time she tried to sneak cookies upstairs to her room. I got so angry at her about that. Oreos. What had happened was she diverted from the usual ritual of my getting her nighttime water and she stayed behind in the kitchen. I saw her sneak the cookies. Instead of laughing, I got angry. What the hell was wrong with me?

She would get hurt or have an earache and I'd accuse her of faking. Of course, there were times she'd fake pain. It was hard to tell sometimes. SS would follow suit. I'm sure I stayed home many times with perfectly healthy kids. Who's to say if they just wanted to stay home with someone who wanted to mother them?

I'm not beating myself up over these things, as much as it might seem I am. But I do look back with this perspective, and without groveling, I do tell them that during those days I was as new as they were to the situation. They do know now I would gladly give my life for theirs; I don't have any insecurities with that.

But I do wonder...during those formative years of my adulthood... What kind of experiment was I performing on them? It was so easy to be self-centered as I did believe that people are given the hands in life they are dealt...but how did I add or subtract from their childhoods?

Those years were so precious...I didn't know it when I had it, how quickly they would go. Now SD17 comes and goes, she is almost a woman now...and I wonder all the time, will she remember me? Will she still come to me?

Will I end up needing her love, far more than she ever needed mine?