more blow ups
ss15 says last night that he'll go home Sunday, he's been with us since Monday. I said that Friday would work better, DH made the compromise of Saturday afternoon. Somewhere on either my post or I saw it somewhere else was a letter a woman wrote to her husband about disengaging. I copied that thing and modified the hell out of it because a lot wasn't needed and i printed it out. i thought i'd see how things on the homested were when i got home and sure enough, by 10pm i'm pulling that puppy out of my bad and give it to DH to read while i went and showered. I came back to the bedroom adn it's crumpled up in the trash. i asked him if he read it he said yes and that i wasted a lot of time on it. i said that i think that's what i need to do - just let him be the parent and i'll treat his kids as i do my niece and nephew. i will do things if they ask, but i will not clean up after them and i will not require them to do things that are a parents responsibility to do. again with the whatever - you do whatever makes you happy princess - i got a princess this time - never got that before! I said that we'll try that out and he can either have them do stuff for themselves or he can clean up after them. I said that when the kids are at the house he has responsibility of cleaning their dishes and doing their laundry. i will do our dishes and laundry during the week when it's just us. another whatever do what you want and i'll take care of my boys as i have before and walks out of the room.
we got up this morning and there was no anger or hostility it's almost like he thought about it at night and decided that i had points as to why i was acting the way i do when they're there and that maybe this will bring us peace and get me to chill out. I'm interested.
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i had to have it in writing
i had to have it in writing because after the first talk about trying to get him to take care of them blew up i knew it'd have to be in a way that it didn't seem like i was attacking him or his brats. it allowed him to read it and hopefully think about it or let it sink in and then i was able to come in and we could talk about it....it worked fairly well i think...
i think if i just quietly sat on the sidelines he would have thought i was being lazy or whatever, now he knows why and hopefully he'll step up.
Yes, Dakota Let him think
Yes, Dakota
Let him think about it. You didn't ask for anything that wasn't fair or deserved. His reaction was a defensive one and he may just need time to think about.
Stay cool and stay on track. Disengage, be courteous and be calm. My mantra to SD during her teens years: "I treat you with honesty, courtesy and respect. I expect the same from you."
If it gets too bad at home, take a break and take time for yourself. I have certainly been through what you are going through.
Hmmm. What if he does not
Hmmm. What if he does not clean up? That is going to be hard to make a grown man do that. Lol
DH is not a “clean” freak like I am. Actually, DH used to be an out and out slob. BUT, he knew way before we got married that I would not clean up after him, my kids, or his kid. AND my house would still HAVE to stay very clean. Everyone cleans up after themselves and helps with chores. He knew this going in. I compromise on a lot of stuff, but that would not be one of them. I will not live in a dirty home. He knew this for a long time before we married/lived together.
Not sure how you will get him to do it if he out right refuses.
Dakota, Your response made
Dakota,
Your response made sense to me. You shouldn't be the only one responsible for clean up around the house and rightfully so you gave the responsibility back to DH.
Sounds reasonable and fair to me.
sueu2, i didnt write the
sueu2, i didnt write the letter to attack DH, i wrote it because when i had tried to have a discussion about it with dh he shut me down and it wasn't productive, the talk was negative and it ended negatively adn spewed into the next day. this time by writing the letter was me being able to say why i felt the need to back away instead of in the discussion it seemed as if i was just refusing to do so. i think the letter made it calmer and gave him time to absorb it. i told DH that letters and talks weren't goign to happen every day and that after this i was done. i said that i didn't feel taht he totally understood me the night before and didn't give me a chance to explain before putting in his 2cents. that now he knows the whole story and i will do my thing when skids are there and i'll do our normal routine when it's just him.
willow, i've thought of this and he'll just hire someone to come in. he's already said that we should just do that to begin with so i won't complain about it every weekend. let him try to clean on his own for a weekend or two and he'll either be calling a maid or making the skids do it more. i dont see DH as the cleaning type so yes i guess i'm a little scared about the house becoming a piggyplace but BM is a total slob and i know DH didn't like taht about their house being an embarassment so i think he'll figure out a way to keep it nice.