FSD13 Wishes Me Harm
So it has come out that FSD13 that has gone no contact has been caught saying she hopes I die or she would be thrilled if I was injured or brain dead (strangley specific). I found out through a trustworthy third party and I'm not sure if I should even mention it to FDH right now. She barely speaks to him (better than what it used to be) and I'm concerned I'll be labelled as, 'having it our for her' if I do bring it up and inform him. It was a face to face conversation so I would have to schedule some kind of strange meet to have this person tell FDH directly I suppose.
Mostly - my heart hurts. I wish things were different.
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Do you literally feel she
Do you literally feel she would actually try to do something to harm you? or is it just the level of vitriol towards you that you are upset about? Your DH obviously should have some level of understanding whether his child hates his wife to be right? Is the source reliable and do they have any motive to exagerate? Could the girl have been just blowing off steam?
I think her father needs to hear this stuff.. and if you don't rush into getting married.. that would probably be ideal.
Oh I don't think she would
Oh I don't think she would harm me. Its just the level of vitriol - you described it perfectly. I am one of those people that has gone above and beyond to try to get along with FSD. FSD all on her own went NC out of no where right when FDH and I moved in together. He has barely seen her since then and she only calls when she wants something. He seems to know how his daughter operates and it amazes me his understanding of her. He has no blinders for her god awful behavior and he never makes excuses for her. He has had issues with her and women in the past so it was no surprise. I don't think its personal, I think its just who I am. Its just upsetting to hear those things I guess. I really need to take her out of my brain real estate and actually do something productive. I feel like I think about it more than FDH
Oh and it turns out that FSD
Oh and it turns out that FSD was 'f****** livid' when i took FMIL to NYC for Christmas - viewing FMIL as a trader. FMIL told her to pound sand and that its none of her business what she does, which was nice to get some support, but its still so bizarre to me to feel this strongly about someone who hasn't done anything besides be kind and mostly understanding.
Fortunately for you, wishes
Fortunately for you, wishes can't harm you.
Being the evil little thought wisher has been in your home for less than an hour for almost a year now, I think you're safe.
Its as if she hates any woman her father cares for, so you're correct. It's not personal. Is the FSD in therapy? She seems to be harboring a lot of anger towards her father ...sure, what you were told focuses on you, but it's really her father she is so angry and full of hate for.
I have mentioned therapy and
I have mentioned therapy and they tried to get her to go, but she would go and just lie to the therapist, basically say everything is fine and just justify why she feels this way about me - usually weird things about my cooking or the tv shows I watch (I've asked every single time what she wanted for dinner and I usually watch TV in my bed alone) - even the therapist said there is way more to this story but they can't get anywhere with her because she refuses to share. She has very strong walls. I know shes uncomfortable in her body right now so I do feel bad for the way she is feeling.
I read somewhere this is classic pas
because the kids alienate you and when asked its just the most ridiculous answers and excuses given. They know there is no legitimate reason to hate you or want nothing to do with you but they’ve been brainwashed with the pas that this is all they can come up with. Is the exwife/bio mum typical narcissistic and vindictive against your future husband?
Nothing quite like finding
Nothing quite like finding out someone in this world wishes you dead. Welcome to the club you never wanted to be member of.
I will assume that most of this bad behavior is coming from BM thru SD. I read a little bit of your previous posts but not much to go on. It must burn BM that you made it happen with FDH and she couldn't. I predict that you will have to watch FDH try fail many times before he finally gives up the fight with SD. Not so sure I would mention it to him quite yet. I know if one of my bios said that about either of their step parents I'd be so dissappointed in them.
It took a few years for my DH to accept who his kids really are, messed up beyond reach by a vindictive, "scorned" BPD mother. They don't come around and DH said this was the last year for being remembered at Christmas. (we shall see on that one)
I would lower my expectations of having any normal family experiences. It will never happen with the dynamic you are dealing with. Don't dwell on it too long. There are plenty of people out there that think you are wonderful as you are and those are the people who get your energy. Not SD. She gets nothing from you.
As for the future wedding, don't count on her being a part of it. She'll cause drama one way or another. Go on with your plans without any consideration for her. Daddy can tell her after you tie the knot. IMO.
I would also hope that your MIL realizes that she is only one who can stand up for FDH and keep the truth about him in front of SD when she starts up her crap about him. He needs someone who knows him to do that for him. That is the biggest gripe I have with my inlaws is that they did not confront the skids when it was really bad. They did not stand up for DH, they just kept quite. That choice did put some distance between them and DH. Its one of the things they recommend in the Divorce Poison book, extended family standing up for the attacked parent.
Yeah, I was going to say,
Yeah, I was going to say, this is about BM and her enmeshment with SD.
OP, you have to decide if you can live long term being the target of BM through SD. It’s not your fault, but it’s pretty hard to watch your SO lose his child, because she is lost and likely will be for a long time to come. It’s a long and painful road to deal with an alienated step kid even if you aren’t the target, and extra hard if you are.
Yeah it truly is hard - there
Yeah it truly is hard - there are feelings of guilt that really shouldn't exist. FDH asks me constantly why am I apologizing, that I have done nothing wrong and he expected back lash from her. He has never gotten no back lash from her when it comes to women. The difference is all other women said peace out (they are smarter than me) so she got her way. She keeps upping the game and he hasn't changed his plan. He writes cards, says the door is open and that he loves her, but doesn't cave. She has been coming around again said, she's confused how so feels about everything but won't delve into it more. It feels like she's just trying to keep him on the hook or make him feel bad of sorts. He just says, well I'm here when you're ready to talk, and that's that.
It is a tough positon. I feel bad for those that are in a similar one.
Yeah I don't really know what
Yeah I don't really know what is happening anymore. The third party actually said BM has been standing up for FDH and encouraging FSD to call her father. BM even told her her behavior at Christmas was abhorrent. But I don't think there is much action. She might say things, but there is no consequence. FMIL does stand up for FDH verbally in the same way to the point FSD doesn't bring FDH up to MIL - my issue with MIL is, even though she verbally does stand up for FDH, if FSD calls, FMIL will take her to get her nails done, ect - so still no consequence. Third party source says the child is used to getting what she wants and since she has gone NC and we still haven't broke up, FSD is livid (I take that as she will step her game up soon).
I don't know. It sucks. When she calls my first thought it, what does she want or what s*** is she going to start now?
Once BM can get the kid to do
Once BM can get the kid to do the abuse for her, she can act innocent.
This kid couldn't behave this way if BM wasn't giving her the power to do so.
That is a really good point I
That is a really good point I did not think about. I guess it does appear that BM is holier than now and makes FSD look even worse. I'm not sure how it will all end up but from the sounds of it from everyone else, at lot of these cases PASed out
My SS19 was PAS'd out for
My SS19 was PAS'd out for over three years. Whenever it was in court, BM would insist innocently that she really wanted SS to have a relationship with his father, but she just couldn't convince him.
Do you think she would have let SS refuse to go to school? Refuse to do chores in her home? Refuse to do anything she wanted him to do? Never. But somehow, she just couldn't get him to visit his father.
This is all about BM and her feelings about your SO moving on. She's using FSD as a weapon. You really should put some thought into whether it's OK with you to live like this - though it sounds like your SO has a good attitude about it.
These BMs man. They were
These BMs man. They were never married. They were barely in a relationship. BM got pregnant 'by accident' (it did come out she lied about BC) and when FDH said, I want to be in my child's life, but I don't want to be with you, hell reign began. It had quieted down for several years after she did finally get married and had a kid with that man. They are now divorced and I guess she's back to being miserable therefore making everyone around her miserable.
That is a pattern we see on
That is a pattern we see on this site far too often!
Seriously - my DH left BM TEN
Seriously - my DH left BM TEN YEARS AGO, and she's still lurking on the periphery of our lives with her unending bitterness. Get over it, sister.
How does her dad take it when
How does her dad take it when you mention things to him about her that aren't positive? Does he usually get defensive? If he does, I wouldn't mention it to him.
As for how you deal with her, it seems like she might not really come around much? That would make it a little easier to deal with. However, if she is there everyother weekend or some other regular schedule, I think I would sit her down, just her and I and ask.... What about me makes you hate me so much? Is there something I can do differently? -- I would be willing to bet that to your face, she will say she doesn't hate you. If she does, than I would try and find out why. See if she can get herself to logic it around that it is really BM that has the issues and not her. She is not her mothers emotional baggage keeper. And if she tells you that the thing you can do differently is to stay out of her life or some other BS- say no problem. But remember that you are the one who asked for this to happen. There are consequences to cutting people out of your life that are positive and support you. I still expect respect and courtesy in my home.
Her dad generally just kind
Her dad generally just kind of gets quiet. He doesn't get defensive by any means but I don't think he really knows what to say. He does not defend her in any way though.
As for talking to her - her and I have had that conversation countless times and she cries and says sorry and then just starts with the same old behavior. I have asked her what I can do better and tried to keep an open door policy. I explained to her that I don't have children so I'm very new to this and I may need a little guidance sometimes. I haven't had 11 years to know her reactions, ect. We were doing well for a little bit but the minute we moved in together, everything exploded. I think she feels I 'stole' her dad (she has not said that out right though). She doesn't really say anything to me anymore. The last we spoke was Christmas when her father forced her to say thank you for her gifts. It wasn't an unpleasant conversation, just very short and to the point.
I'm starting to think this is just going to be the way it is unfortunately. I was hoping she was coming around but I guess its the opposite.
Time for stop hitting the wall with said, head
And Disengage, you are never going to have a relationship with FSD. She is playing her game, and every one is kissing her A** to make her happy. Just treat her as she treating you, give her food , water and that it. No money, No trips, No vacation, no nothing. If she comes over, let her BF handle her. If FSO is not home SD is not there.
Just face the fact, this is how FSD wants it.
You're better off than you
You're better off than you realize if your FMIL and future husband aren't fooled by SD's antics.
I know how much energy we spend on people who hate us for no reason. (I also have a SD.) Yes, put it out of your mind.
BUT...things could change between your SD and future husband. So before you marry, make sure you get him to agree to some ground rules. Before I married, I made my husband AGREE that SD would NEVER live with us, no matter what. (She was out on her own when we married and this was by our design.) So as bad as SD treated me, at least I knew I had that promise from my husband in the bag and my space was protected. If there are other things you can't live with, get it out in the open now and be sure you're both on the same page.
If you show your husband now that you insist on boundaries regarding SD, he'll start to get a feel for what won't fly with you. If you are consistent about these boundaries, he'll know not to even suggest she move in with you, take vacations with you, etc. -- all those things so many SMs complain about on this site.
Show him now that you're no pushover. I can't emphasize this enough.
This is really good advice. I
This is really good advice. I think the thing that helps is when I bring a concern, FDH doesn't go all Disney on me and say things like, she doesn't mean it or cut her some slack - he basically just says, look who her mother is, I'm sorry she is putting us through this and she will turn out just like BM and it breaks my heart. If he corrects her, she goes NC for several months. He never lets her treat me like dirt, which is why she has gone NC several times over the past year. Her jealousy is very sad. I feel bad for her because I don't think she'll ever be able to have true meaningful relationships. When someone crosses her, she cuts them out, just like her mother. Its not a way to live. I'm sure she is full of anxiety and turmoil constantly. But I am also not a punching bag
How would you respond IF a co
How would you respond IF a co-worker reported they wanted you dead or brain dead?
I am so sorry your fsd13 said this.