The Military Stepdad Perspective
Starting this today to have a place to reach out. I'm a military member with 2 stepkids 11 SS and 13 SD with a 7 BD and 18month BS. One of my biggest frustrations is the BD never pays child support but is somehow super dad to his kids. He rarely works and lives with either friends or the occasional family member when they can stand him. Be is just a leech. Should I mot feel frustrated about being the sole supporter to someone else's kids, even though I love them?
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Sole supporter? As in your
Sole supporter? As in your spouse doesn't work?
It is your spouse's responsibility to ensure that their kids are being taken care of. It would be great if both parents are doing it, but if not, someone has to. In this case, the support should fall squarely on your spouse - not you.
You are absolutely within your rights to feel frustrated. If my SSs were asked today to choose their favorite parent, they would probably pick their BM even though her own actions (or inactions) for a long time caused a lot of issues for them (e.g. homelessness, SF stealing their birthday money). My DH has dutifully paid CS (and a whole lot more), taken his visitation, participated in events, etc. But he'd still come in second. My income has helped support my SSs, but I will probably never get recognition for it.
Dad will always be Dad even if he is a deadbeat. You will always be second fiddle so long as they think Dad is awesome. It's a frustrating aspect of step life.
I would recommend, though, that if your spouse isn't working that they need to find a job ASAP and start pulling in their full share for their kids. All because you are in the military doesn't give your spouse a pass. Their kids are their kids. Your mutual children (assuming you have them given the ages) are half their responsibility. Don't get stuck in a situation where you are the sole breadwinner forever. It will come back to bite you if your situation turns sour.
Considering the ages of the
Considering the ages of the children the other parent may be contributing to the home in ways that aren't just finical.
Being a stay at home parent can be extremely demanding. Even more so with a toddler. Depending on the educational level of the other parent it may not be worth it for them to hold a job since the cost of child care may be more than the gained income of them working.
Being frustrated about the situation is fine though and you have every right. If your spouse is not contributing to the household in some way then even more so though it will only go on as long as you allow.
Focus on your home and ignore the outside. As frustrating as it is, yes children will ignore the flaws of their parents. It's in their DNA to hope for the best and ignore faults. Even an abused child will want to stay with their parent because there is a very strong bond.
It can be hard to feel second to someone who you are clearly better than but there's little you can do. Focus on your relationship with the kids. Make it as good as you can and one filled with respect.
I am pro-SAHP when it is
I am pro-SAHP when it is financially feasible. Right now, though, it's not. Neither parent is paying for their children, and that is totally unacceptable, especially when the stepparent is clearly frustrated by being the sole provider for not only their own children, bit their stepchildren, too.
If education is an issue, then get an education. Being a SAHP means you have a flexible enough schedule to take online classes. There are very few legitimate reasons why someone can't provide for a family they chose to create, and being a SAHP certainly isn't one of them.
Also, even if working causes them to break even, having a work history is important, especially if you have kids. What happens if OP dies? Or decides he wants to leave? What is OP's spouse going to do then with no education and years without work history?
It's a bad move to have kids and not have a means to support them yourself. It's a bad move to rely on a stepparent to support your kids while being a SAHP. It *may* work out, but I'm finding it a bad plan for the OP's spouse if the OP is coming here to complain.
I understand that being a
I understand that being a military spouse makes having a career a real challenge. My mother was not able to work much due to constant moving. We moved once a year.. for the first 12 years I was alive (and before I was alive too).
She was able to do some occasional substitute teaching, but that wasn't always available as an option. They also have two small children that are bio to both of them which means that it's likely that even if she could secure employment the logistics and cost of daycare would probably outweigh any money earned.
This is NOT a great situation with her having an EX that is unable/unwilling to contribute to his kids' support.
Now.. I do believe that:
1. bio parents should support/raise their kids.
2. Step parents shouldn't have to support non-bio kids.
3. It's ok to resent the fact that you are having to help pay to raise children you didn't choose to have. However, keep in mind, those kids didn't ask to be born into this situation and while they may not appear "thankful", I imagine that a lot of us didn't fall all over ourselves to thank our parents for what we considered basic support of our needs.
I guess the only weak comment I can give you is that I'm guessing you knew the status of the father and his lack of contribution and you would have been aware what it meant to have bio children with your wife... you would be defacto paying for his kids.
So, i can understand your frustration and as someone who helped to pay for the support costs of her own step kids, I get the irritation with the bio parents that aren't able to always hold up their end financially.
I don't really have any solutions because I'm not sure what you can do to force her EX to pay up if he truly isn't earning anything.
I. Understand. Completely. I
I. Understand. Completely. I gave up my military dreams (and two years of hard work for them) to come here because the Skids can't leave the state (though DH is starting to wear thin from BM's constant disappearances so a part of me hopes I can still finally have it... wishful thinking, but when life super sucks you sometimes gotta find hope anywhere you can). It just about killed me... Now that I'm here... It's frustrating as f***. I'm the only one working, I can't even get a real job even though I have a bachelors due to the area we're living in, and BM is a total deadbeat. DH is in school using his GI bill, so that provides some income, but with all the lovely debt BM incurred in his name that's basically where all that goes to anyways. So I'm the one fully financially supporting the Skids and us, while still trying to balance the bills that aren't her debts since all his money goes to that.
You are absolutely right in feeling frustrated. Your spouse just doesn't see it as clearly, cuz they're their kids... Trust me DH doesn't here. So to you, you're working your a** off. To your spouse it's just taking care of the kids. I love my Skids, basically like they're my own. I'd take a bullet for them and when possible I stand up for any injustices I see them getting. From what I'm getting you feel the same. But as hard as it is to admit, a lot of the time particularly to your spouse, there's still a disconnect, to your Skids you're still a second place kind of parent, I'm literally the one who gets them up and ready and taught them how to swim and makes sure they're fed, the follow through of being mom is what I'm doing for the good of the Skids (even though they're far to young to realize being a mom is far more than just giving birth), they've seen BM one time in several months and that's just because she had a selfish motive, yet this morning I still got greeted with "I want mommy." It's frustrating, you see the disconnect that your spouse (as the one they're raising the kids with) just wants it all to function peacefully and for you to see the kids as yours just as much as they do. It's a kind of blinders I've decided, and it's super sucky for the Stepparent who's doing s s*** f****** ton of work for the comfort of two kids that a parent literally has no interest in.
So it's not wrong if you to be frustrated, and I wish I had better advice on how to get your spouse to see what you're truly feeling and how frustrating it can get some days. But at the very least I am assure you that your feelings are totally valid and I'm sure there are plenty more stepparents out there who feel exactly the same. Talk to your spouse about your frustrations, she's gonna have to be the one that acts on this one.
YES. You totally get me. I do
YES. You totally get me. I do much of the same that you've mentioned- taking an interest in ALL the kids' success, getting them up on my way to the gym, trying to cultivate them into great citizens and people in general. Now what's great is my spouse and I do communicate very effectively. She knows I get frustrated but based on our situation her hands are somewhat tied in getting the biodad to suppprt based on his childsupport obligations.
We don't hurt financially but when I know that my SS and SD could and SHOULD be provided for by the responsible parent, it kills me. They were 2 and 4 when I met my wife and they are now about to be 12 and 14. I've always thought over time their views on parental roles and responsibilities would just develop on their own but they haven't and their dad can still do no wrong to this day. I've accepted it- but I'll never be happy about it.
All of the insight is very
All of the insight is very much appreciated. It's great just to connect with other parents going through the same issues. A little more background- my wife is a SAHP which we agree on. We have all the kids during the school year, they visit Biodad for 8 weeks over summer, spring break, and every other Christmas.
I want to keep things fair and equal for everyone but it is just emotionally a struggle.
It gets worst when I have to deny things to my BS and BD because of the fairness I try and maintain. Sports, special programs, vacations, etc are some examples. I know I signed up for it and I love all the kids but I just wish something more could be done to ensure parents do their share to support their children. I would have more sympathy if the Biodad actually tried to support other than the "Disneyland" visits but he simply hides from the responsibility, bouncing around from state to state each year.
I just can't fathom sometimes how little resources exist to deal with issues like this.
While I don't have bio
While I don't have bio kids... I definitely would have used my money differently if I hadn't had skids in my life. There were times when their needs came before my 'wants'.
It is frustrating not being able to hold the BD accountable. I would definitely ensure your wife is figuratively holding the screws to him on that.
I know it must be hard when his kids go for that visit and he magically has funds to do fun stuff with them while you have been working your tail off to have their basic needs met.
Exactly. My wife does what
Exactly. My wife does what she can, she really does know my feelings and tries to be sensitive to them. We are good communicators but we are both just stuck with little recourse and that's what's frustrating. Maybe the kids will figure it out for themselves in the next 10 years.
Yeah you're gonna feel that
Yeah you're gonna feel that way. We all have at one point or another.