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I need some help

Crystalbabyx's picture

I am engaged to my fiancé and I have two children from a previous relationship. We have been together for 3 years. He has to children from his previous relationship plus a teenage stepdaughter.
We are engaged to be married and I can't shake the thoughts in my head.
His relationship with his stepdaughter creeps me out. She is very clingy and needy towards him always looking for hugs and literally clings off him. She always has to sit beside him. I catch him looking at her in a way that makes me very uncomfortable. One time we were going out together and the step daughter was babysitting the kids and she made a hateful comment about what I was wearing. Although I was just casually dressed to drive over but changing into a dress to head out. The impression I get from her is I'm the new arrival and it's her territory. She comes into my home and makes me so uncomfortable. She texts my partner and says things like I wish you were here. And my partner deletes messages from her which really bothers me as if she's just the step daughter why even do that?
He never takes his kids to school she's the last to get left off the thought of them two being alone together makes me feel sick.
I have said to my partner in the past she makes me uncomfortable and about her odd behaviour towards her step father. She only calls him Daddy when she wants something but she has a relationship with her own actual father. I am going to marry this man in less than a year. He is good to me my son loves him and my daughter well she doesn't like him. Can someone please help me. I have asked friends for advice and they picked up on how when she comes into my home she shuns me and hugs him and how her behaviour is odd. I've really tried and I've tried to talk to him about it. He said I'm being jealous and got really agitated about it. He won me a big Teddy bear and had to tell the oldest child it was for me and not for her. She just had this big huffy face. I never grew up with loving parents and I am not a hugger, I love my children and I am affectionate to them. But there's just something unsettles me about her. I can't shake it and my partner says I'm sick and needs help. 

Comments

SteppedOut's picture

His FORMER stepdaughter comes to your house? How long WAS he her stepfather? If she has an involved father, why is he continuing a relationship? Was he in her life for a long time? 

This behavior with a non related person would creep me out too. Why is he driving her to school still? She has two parents, he is not one of them.

Crystalbabyx's picture

She's 16 and my partner and his ex were together when she was a baby and they broke up like 8 years ago. I never liked the fact she wanted to come to my house with her much younger siblings but he always made a big fuss. But yeah he was leaving his two children but he dropped them off first and then her. I've said a few times like why does she want to come when it's all younger kids surely an older child would run for the hills but no she wants to come and her attitude towards me is extremely rude and his attitude is I have to try harder. 

Ang1224's picture

That is odd. He could catch lunch with her or go to a movie with her with you and the rest of your family but why is she coming to your house? She has "mini wife syndrome". Please read about it and see if that's what you think it is. Its so weird and sickening. I know from personal experience!! 

susanm's picture

His biological children you are stuck with and have to find a way to deal with if you truly want to be together.  Even they can be dealbreakers for a marriage.  But some random girl that he is not related to and broke up with her mother 8 years ago?  Who is now 16 and is trying out her budding womanly skills on?  Hello Lolita!  If there really was nothing to the issue then he would not be so defensive and go immediately to the "sick - you need help."  He would look objectively at the situation and address your concerns calmly.  Jumping to the jealously is a major "tell."  Not that there is necessarily something physical going on but that there is an element of attraction and the forbidden blooming.  It is basic biology and the additional element of 2 women "fighting over him" is only going to add to it for him.  Why would he cut off that ego booster unless he absolutely had to???

This would be too much for me.  You are never going to be comfortable with her hanging around.  Even after she moves on to having a normal relationship with a boyfriend, you are always going to be on watch for flirtation between them.  And if you manage to ban her from his life, you are going to deal with his resentment or perceived resentmentm especially as you get older and wonder if he is looking for someone younger to have a fling with.

I would have one more attempt to have a real heart to heart with him on the subject.  But if he can't understand what is going on and how this is affecting your relationship, I would have to come to the conclusion that he is not in a marriage space and maybe never will be.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Hello Lolita!

That's exactly what I was thinking, susanm! 

OP, what IS it about this girl that he finds it necessary to maintain this strange relationship? 

  • Her father is active in her life
  • He and her mother divorced 8 YEARS ago

I completely agree with the Lolita comment. Who divorced who? Does she look like her mother? Maybe he's still carrying a torch. Whatever the reason, this is creepy and him allowing her to be territorial in YOUR home is BS. 

You can do much better than this. And it wouldn't take much.

Crystalbabyx's picture

Thank you all for responding to my message. I have struggled and let this eat at me for so long. I thought there was something wrong with me for even thinking this. The creepiest thing is she looks like her mother and he has commented on how she looks. But the mother cheated on my partner. And that's always been a factor.  He's nearly 40 I think what always bugged me is the fact that he deletes messages and if there was nothing in it. I am 31 and I don't want to be with someone who calls me crazy for speaking the truth. Thank you all you have no idea on how much you have helped me x

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Ooooooh yeah, I'm going with him still carrying a torch and he's reliving it vicariously through his EX stepdaughter. Yuck. 

Sweetie, it's time to kick this creeper to the curb. You're 31. That's YOUNG. You have many years ahead of you. Find a man whose interested in YOU. {{hugs}}

Siemprematahari's picture

So many red flags and lines crossed here. I find it odd that your fiancee maintains such a "close" relationship with his step daughter who has her father actively in her life. He's been allowing this for so long that he sees nothing wrong with it, she doesn't either and he's doing nothing to correct this. She's jealous because you are occupying his time and instead of him addressing it, he just lets it fly by.

I would reconsider marrying this man. He allows this child to disrespect you and expects you to just suck it up. He doesn't take your feelings, wants and needs into consideration and that says a lot. If your fiancee doesn't change please know this will be your life, competing with a teenage girl and with a future H who has no boundaries or respect. 

tog redux's picture

Do not marry him. 

You should be able to bring up your concerns without being gaslighted and told you are sick and need help. Honestly, that is emotionally abusive for him to say to you in ANY situation (unless it's true and he's saying it in a loving way).

Please don't marry him. I promise you will be miserable. You say he's "good to you", but this is abusive and NO abuse should be tolerated in a romantic relationship. 

Monkeysee's picture

Gross. I’m sorry, but I don’t see how you can be attracted to him with this dynamic at play. It’s inappropriate behaviour on both their parts, but HE is the adult. HE is allowing this. HE is continuing to have a relationship with an ex-stepdaughter, gaslight you, tell you that you’re sick because you’re taking issue with HIS behaviour. 

Please do not marry this guy. And for heavens sake stop allowing this disrespectful brat into your house. If your FH gets angry that’s all the more reason you shouldn’t marry him. He shouldn’t allow any child in his care to be disrespectful to you, especially in your own home. SMDH.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Listen to your gut feeling on this. If she is 16, unrelated to him, and acting this way, there's a chance he may be actually molesting her. This behavior coupled with the ages he has been with her make me wonder if her behavior is the result of her being the victim of a crime. That's the worst case. Best case, he is an icky douchebag who isn't setting limits because it strokes his ego. Could you be attracted to that long-term?  

SM12's picture

I noticed at the end of your post you said your son likes your FH but your daughter did not.

That statement coupled with your gut telling you there is something wrong with your FHs relationship with his SD should cause you serious concern. 

Maybe your DD sees this behavior as creepy as well.  Has he been too flirty or touchy with your DD when you weren’t around?  

Im just saying if your own DD can see he isn’t ok and your gut says there is a problem....there is a problem.   

bananaseedo's picture

Exactly what I was thinking.  Your red flags are waving and your gut is screaming....will you listen?

Delilah's picture

Absolutely everything SM12 has said is what i was going to.

Alarm bells would be blaring esp with my own dd in the house. I would be checking at a much deeper level *why* my dd didnt like my partner. Lets hope his sick behaviour hasnt oozed into your dd's direction*bad*

Your fdh is treating his interactions with sd16 as if shes the OW. Deleting messages -an action when there IS something to hide. Furtive, lingering glances between fdh&sd -bleurg.? D/O with sd last-why? Competitive, jealous, rude behaviour from sd towards you. Acknowledgment by fdh that sd resembles her mother who he used to bone, an ex who spurned HIM. 

I wouldnt allow this probable predator to lie and manipulate you too, get rid and fast.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Everything SM12 and Delilah said. Why doesn't your daughter like him? If she hasn't told you why, do what you need to do to make her feel comfortable so she will tell you. If he has been inappropriate with her, she may not want to tell you because she doesn't want to hurt you.

His relationship with his ex-stepdaughter is weird and not healthy for anyone. Please don't marry him and reconsider the whole relationship. Listen to your gut on this one.

justmakingthebest's picture

Everyone here has already said everything I was thinking. Please update us with your decision on what to do. I really do worry about your own daughter in this situation as well. 

Crystalbabyx's picture

I have already spoken my concerns a few months ago about why does she have to come and if she does the very least she can do is show me some respect. So in the last few months I've cut the contact and removed myself. I wouldn't mind if she wanted to tag along the odd time or even was somewhat pleasent towards me. When it comes to my daughter, my daughter never liked him because he's very abrupt she's only 8 but she's very wise. She always said he gets you stuff then threatens to take it off you for example a car or a gift. I am calling off my engagement. I am not saying anything sexual ever happened between him and his step daughter but I don't want to spend my life looking for clues or constantly feeling the way I did. There is something about a gut feeling, if something doesn't feel right it usually isn't. Thanks so much for all your comments!