has never worked for me....I have tried, but I find myself thinking more & more& getting more mad.... I know it has worked for some, but I could never do it. Sorry, hope you can..

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

because I'm the only 'engaged' parent! Sad but true... it I disengage this kid will have nothing.. as "mommy dearest" is far too busy, and DH is a man who fits every stereotype of what a Man does and does not do...

Ok..but I've tried.

Basically I don't say anything.. see examples

-1- SS pee's his pants = I say nothing, look the other way and wait for him to change. Sometimes
he doesn't change his pants, and so then I have to kindly advise him not to sit on the furniture until he decides if he'll change his pants or not.

-2- SS pee's his bed = Nothing. I say nothing..and if he and DH don't change the sheets, I do without a word.

-3- SS pee's all over the bathroom, walls, floor etc. I say nothing, I clean it up.

-4- SS wants a chocolate bar before dinner, he eats it, I say nothing

-5- SS then wants dessert after dinner, and asks me, I say "ask your Dad".

-6- SS doesn't wash his hands before dinner, I say nothing, as long as he's not touching anyone else's food, it should only be him that gets sick because of it.

-7- SS watches TV all day. I say nothing. Me and bio son, and my daughter go on walks, bike riding, he sits in his playroom and watches TV. Ah well.

-8- SS quits everything (this could be learning how to ride a bike, swimming, soccer, karate, skiing), I say nothing - It will be them that suffers when friends are asking him to do things and he can't do them - Daddy thinks it's ok to quit -- they can suffer the consequences.

-9- SS is almost 8 years old and can hardly stay up until 7am because he gets up at 4am every morning, I say nothing -- If sleep is not considered a healthy part of growing up by DH and BM, then who am I to say?

-10- SS doesn't clean up his toys as he's asked, so Daddy does it for him -- I don't say anything.

So as you can see...for me anyways..when I don't intervene I feel like I'm watching a train wreck! I have tried...and I still do try to disengage at times..but I'm the one that's with him the most, so I sometimes have to parent him... sometimes? Most times actually...

Good luck!

Provide meals,apply bandaides when needed,supply snacks,and say hello and goodbye. I do give the occasional hug and some encouragement for her but that's where it ends for me.

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957

I say hello and goodbye. I will respond when spoken to and look pleasant and approachable. If hubby tries to involve me, I will engage unless it involves discipline or clean up or some parental job at which point I give a confused look and say/do nothing.

The children are with us 50% of the time. I tend to make plans with my friends when they are here. Or go to the gym or get my hair done or shop for clothing for myself. Spoiling myself when they are here makes me feel better. DH is going dirt bike riding with SS in a few weeks and I scheduled a trip to Denver during that time.

When skids are not here, I plan dinner parties with our friends, invite my kids over (they are adults), plan romantic dinners out with my husband, plan hikes, etc. When we don't have the kids, I make sure DH is having an excellent time so he is not missing them. At first it was hard for him because skids used to drop in whenever they wanted. I put a stop to that and he missed them. Now, he's always asking, so what are we going to do?

I am trying to build a strong marriage foundation of happy memories and time alone. As we develop our marriage, he is learning to put our marriage first and consider how we will manage the children instead of them running the household.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

What are you trying to achieve? You said you were trying to make a point? I disengaged to protect myself and take control of my life. By deciding what I won't do (things that make me angry) and what I will do (things that don't bother me) I feel like I am in charge of my own happiness because I have more control over my life.

Bottom line, I am not skids mother and it's up to their parents to raise them. I was not allowed to participate due to PAS by BM and unwillings by DH to make waives. The way I look at it, the parents chose not to involve me.

So I am just trying to make myself happy as I have been relieved of responsbility to the skids. If you are disengaging to me a point and bring about a change in attitude on the part of your husband, you might be a little more frustrated in your efforts (although I heard that it does work.)

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

"I didn't get here til she was NINE." Or my now infamous "I am an island of calm in a turbulent sea" (which is a quote from a play that may have been quoting someone else like Thoreau or Dickinson.)

I do it to control my natural and completely rational urge to explode at SD. Last night in the car she was manic angry then manic giddy back and forth non stop. It's something that's hard to explain on site, but I have in the past by posting the baiting back and forth, where she accuses us of not caring, then we try to explain what we meant and she will grab another topic out of one word we say and interrupt to make a new accusation.

EXHAUSTING.

I just got back in town and was really late driving in and having trouble focusing the last 2 hours of my drive. This made DH unable to fall asleep til I was home b/c he knew he shouldn't have encouraged me to push through when I first hinted maybe I should stop for the night. Then he had two super long days at work/ dinner meetings with his boss and bosses boss, tours at each plant (one is 1 1/2 hours from home) etc.

So when SD's practice ran til 8:30, a full half hour over, and she was soaking wet from the downpour (nice coach, eh?) and DH greeted her with, "Jump all the way in back please" She attacked and raged the whole way home all because he didn't say "hello sd" 1st.

He took the bait for a few minutes, til I put my hand on his arm and said, "Please stop taking that bait." Then a favorite song of mine, his, and BD's came up on the CD, and I turned it up. Of course SD assumed it was to drown her out so she started yelling over it raging and baiting more. Then I DID turn it up.

Later I talked to her calmly about stuff, and she was fine with me, but still tossing in digs about DH's "attitude" and his "not caring" at all about her. I once again didn't take the bait but calmly redirected. Then she started in with a list of NEEDS including but not limited to-

a new flat iron
a cell phone
clothes
new bathing suit (she bait and switched him with one over the weekend b/c he hasn't realized that the one she tries on and shows you for approval may not be the one she sneaks to the cash register. She tried on one that was regular bottoms, then bought the string and skimpy one in the same pattern instead. So now she's peeved that she has to take it back.)

It went on and on from soccer stuff (need new goalie gloves, NEED new cleats b/c the uber cool ones I HAD to have for spring aren't the ones everyone else is getting to match our uniforms now)

ETC ETC ETC.

I told her to write it down and prioritize and we will tell her what we deem "needs" that we will provide, and what are "wants" that she has to save for. She is NOT going to take the fact that her cleats are a WANT b/c she has an expensive pair that are only a few months old.

It's never ending.

I say, balancing disengaging is a long process. I first disengaged TOTALLY, and that didn't really work, though I did stick with it for a whole year- I only took SD to therapy appts b/c I valued that over my own needs. Everything else, including the braces debate, will wait til I either am inspired to do so, or one of her BIO parents finds the time. B/c though DH will appreciate me doing it, BM and SD EXPECT me to.

When SD had her epiphany about getting mad at herself for screwing up then turning it around to "take it out" on me...I started re-engaging LITTLE by LITTLE. And we have found a balance (well I have she still tries to find ways to "control" or provoke or guilt me into doing whatever she wants.

It's very tough Crizzle. I haven't read your whole history, but I know I am very interested in reading Step Monster, and several of the women here highly recommend it. It offers a sort of validation for why we struggle so- it's culturally ingrained for many SMs to feel the success or "failure" of a family unit rests with them, and everyone else happily agrees to let us bear the brunt of that.

I also believe it will offer many suggestions for effective disengaging. I know for me if I disengage too much, I am pulling away from EVERYONE- DH, BSs AND BD. It's all or nothing sometimes and that's not good for anyone.

GOOD LUCK!

Hi,

Our counselor suggested Al Anon to me and it did help. I had to realize that SD and DH enabling co dependent relationship was not my problem. SD is an adult now so it's easier now that she is out of the house. Example, SD and new boyfriend are coming over for dinner. It's my husband's responsiblity to shop, cook and clean up. I do not engage. I learned the hard way not to get involved in their fights and finally told my husband not to involve me, not to tell me her latest rant. When he did I would of course take his side and after they resolved their anger - I'd still be mad!

I had to learn to step away from their crazy making behavior. Draw strong boundaries, tell them what they are and be consistent in upholding them.

Good Luck to you!
Glynne