Am I alone on this one? Why do I feel like this?
My skids get on my nerves even when they aren't doing anything wrong. SD14 looks just like her ugly-ass mother and I know she can't help it, but it really really bugs me. I don't think it would bother me so bad if her mother were actually a good person. Of course I would never tell my SD or DH my feelings about this; there's no sense in hurting their feelings.
But it's also their mannerisms that drive me nuts.
SD14 (besides looking like her mother) always watches her feet when she walks through the house. Not in a manner where she looks ashamed or sad, but more like she thinks her feet are so cute she can't take her eyes off of them. :sick: Today, she was doing it and nearly knocked me over because she wasn't watching where she was going.
I don't know what it is, but just looking at them drives me nuts. Nearly everything they do gets on my nerves and I just want to hide from them. I disengaged a while ago and that has helped with my resentment toward them and DH, but I still can't get over this feeling of annoyance with their presence. Has anyone else ever felt like this or am I alone in feeling this way? Does anyone have a clue why I would feel this way? What can I do to stop letting this stuff drive me nuts?
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Yes I have felt like this. I
Yes I have felt like this. I felt horrible about it but I could not stand to be around my ss. The way he acted just annoyed me.
I have in the past hidden from him and tried to just ignore it but then you feel like you are giving over your home.
In my case I was resenting the fact that my ss had no rules, no consequenses, no boundries, and complained about everything.
My bs had rules, boundries etc and my ss would not follow the rules of our home, my bs who is alot younger did what he was told.
my dh didn't enforce it and said I was ridiculous, so that is where I believe my disgust came from. Are they disrespectful to you?
me too
Amen. And my husband tinks I crazy we have separted ove his disrespectful son.
Yes
In my case I put it down to not having my own kids, to know, what is normal kid behaviour. ex. lying, faking illness, cheating in games, etc. is apparently normal but hard to swallow for me.
I don't mind how my SD looks because she looks just like DH
Thank God!
_________________________________________________________
Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2My SD8 is a good kid in general...but yes...
She does get on my nerves. I just can't stand how manipulative she is. It's gotten so bad lately that every time she says just about ANYTHING, I'm questioning her motives behind it. I'm always on guard lately. For example, she said to BD14 yesterday, with a cheshire cat grin, "hmmm...I like your shirt BD14." Now, this would normally be taken as a nice gesture...however, SO many times in the past, she makes FUN of BD14 because BD14 has her own style (doesn't conform). She has embarrassed BD14 out in public so many times with snotty comments that BD14 and I always have that raised eyebrow when SD8 gives those backhanded compliments. Now, FH thinks she's just being sweet...not thinking about all the times she's led into a negative comment from that.
Once we were with a group of people. All attention was on SD8, as it always is..."Oh, she's so cute", while BD14 gets nothing. BD14 has learned to just deal with it. One lady I guess realized that BD14 was just getting ZERO attention, so she said to BD14, "I love your hair...it's such a pretty color!" Immediately, SD8 goes, "YEAH...BUT SHE WEARS THAT SAME SHIRT EVERY DAY" and rolls her eyes. GOD FORBID my daughter steal some of the limelight. BD14 wanted to shrink under the table. I go, "SD8, that was VERY rude" and I made her apologize right in front of everyone. I didn't give a crap at that point.
Me too...
I cannot STAND SD15. She is a spoiled, entitled, manipulative BRAT and I hate her very existence. She chews like a cow with her mouth wide open and sticks her tongue out when she takes a bite of her food. GROSS!! And she thinks she is so perfect and pretty...but she actually looks like frumpy, nasty BM. I actually like SD12 most of the time, but what really gets to me is that SD15 and SD12 shower together. They have learned that it's "normal" for them to do so by their lesbian mother (and they still don't know she is gay).
So...I can totally relate to the issues you have. Their mannerisms...pretty much everything they do annoys the sh*t out of me.
Love
Those two are in for a tough road ahead
if and when SD15 decides to go away for college. SD15's eating mannerisms will also cost her friends. I think these kids need counseling, but unfortunately, I think that SD15 in particular will have to learn some of life's lessons the hard way.
SD14 sits at the table
all hunched over like she has no spine. Drives me crazy. I have taught them both how to eat spaghetti properly though. They used to just put a big bite in their mouths with a bunch of noodles hanging down, then they would bite through and let the excess noodles fall back onto their plates. That one was put to an end real quick...it drove me nuts.
"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere
I wouldn't hate them so much...
But they are just so damn smug when they are over at our house. Like they can do WHATEVER they want, act HOWEVER they want because they are DH's kids and they think their mom walks on water so they are ALWAYS talking about her. EEWWWW!!!!
I hate their voices, too. They are SO annoying and they NEVER shut-up!!! I swear SD15 acts like she is 5 years old most of the time. She is a weirdo. SD12 is more mature and respectful than her. I think SD15 just acts like that for attention, but she doesn't realize that it makes her look like a complete idiot. Dumb ass kid.
Yes, SD15 will have a lot of problems in life because she is an awful human being, just like her mother. I just pray that SD12 doesn't change but the way she shadows SD15 like they are practically the same person, there may be no hope for her. It's so sad really...SD15 is just a BAD SEED!!
They will get a real wake-up call when they realize that BM has lived a lie her whole life and is a lesbian. The SD's think that she would NEVER lie to them because she fills their heads with a bunch of PAS bullshit all the time. They think that woman is the Messiah...makes me want to puke on a daily basis.
Ugh...I just want to tell those kids how I really feel about thier nut-case mother and tell SD15 to go jump in the lake. Eventually I will because I don't think I can hold it in much longer!!
Love
It wasn't their looks that got to me,
it was their mannerisms. What they said was, often times, EXACTLY what BM said. But at the end of the day, it's the parents who teach them this stuff. But I also believe that at some point, they need to be held accountable for their own behavior.
THANK GOD my SDs do not look ONE IOTA like BM! Their mannerisms used to REEK of her, though. And that was so tough for us all to deal with.
deleted
deleted
Evil step son!!
Sorry for you girl. I have had ss for 25years and we DONT talk now. I hate him. When we mmet 25 yrs ago, there was no help for step parents. I tried to do it all alone, DH was useless, told me I didnt try hard enough. I have a bs and as expected, different rules for different offspring. My ss was hell, snivelling, tantrums, food issues, sleep issues, and BM attacked me and I was so traumatised - never been assaulted before - and DH dodged it. BM is rubbish, lousy mother and used to dump ss as and when - never cut any slack - never showed any values.DH is away for extended periods of time and as usual ss was dumped into my life. Took him in as a family child often - and then the fights began. He was so rotten in teasing my bs that my bs used to ask me to make ss go away. Ss was crap to our youngest son, would walk in and change tv channels without any kindness, discussion or liason - whack change - and then the fights began. DH has avoided helping me in any of this ever. Ss used to shoot his foot out and trip our daughter up when she was a toddler - I would tell him not to, and he ignored me. When DH was finally forced to see this, then it was dealt with. Everything my children touch everything my children do - he used to spoil. When my elsest was grown up - there is only a years difference between bs and ss, ss would steal bs clothes and go to work. He is a pig. Finally threw him out and now while peace exists as I can mother my kids, my marriage is a wreck. DH has had an affair and ss was the runner between him and the girlfriend. All because DH wouldnt "get involved" and "wanted to keep things nice". I died in this marriage. Dh family ie his mum dad and sister now call me the wicked stepmother but never ONCE saw me as in need of support or kindness. Dh fool father wanted me to call him dad but when I approached him about the step parenting problems I was having, he rejested me and before I could say anything told me ss was his grandson and he would not have me say a single word about him.!! Be careful - you are first and foremost a real person with real needs and issues. Open up a family, if they dont listen, protect yourself and your kids. Your children deserve at least one decent parent!!
Gilly - I feel so sorry
Gilly - I feel so sorry about the lack of support that you recieved. Like you I have been stepmother to stepkids for over 25 years. I did recieve better support from my inlaws though. However, I can definitely identify with the part where you mention that the inlaws did not want to hear any negatives about their darling grandchildren! You are right, it takes a lot out of you to be a stepmother! You mentioned a younger joint birth daughter - did these same inlaws not have the same feelings regarding what was best for this grandchild???? If your experience was like mine the stepkids were treated better because they felt sorry for them..... Hope things get better for you.
me too
I died in my marriage too.. Those kids and inlaws took my life away.
*Waving hands in the air* I feel this too!
UGH! SD10 sometimes just looking at her.... I loke her for the most part, but she gets on my nerves sometimes and I don't know if it is a valid reason or something that I am just being bitchy about.
It is so hard since I really want this to work.
I don't like looking at her and feeling this. It really does bother me. I really don't want to disengage, she is a really sweet girl and I also know that BF would NOT like it.
I can only hope it would get better.
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm
hmmm...
*sigh* hope i don't catch hell...
I still have moments where I absolutely can't stand the sight or thought of my SD11 because she talks just like her mom,acts like her,dresses like a total dork like her mom,etc...she talks to my DH in the same condescending superior tone that her mother uses with him. Drives me bonkers.
BUT as stepmothers we have to realize that it mostly isn't the childs fault they look or act like their mother. I'm assuming it's this way because they were around their mother the most( as far as acting like them is concerned) and as far as looking them goes...well that's just bad genetics and can't be helped. There is light at the end though. As stepmothers we have a golden opportunity to show our stepchildren what a good human being is supposed to be like. Yeah it's a bitch when they're young but if we're good to them and show them what good people look like/act then maybe (fingers crossed) they will see they should choose to be that way too instead of being a mini-bm. An example of mine to show I'm not holier than thou in my 'preaching'...we were at the beach and I was drying/styling my hair when I was done,DH says to sd11 "ok honey go dry your hair now so we can go" She was immediately shell shocked to be expected to dry her hair all by herself(it's very long and stringy) so I stepped up and volunteered to do it for her. I always look for the opportunity to make her prettier because her mom never teaches her how to fix herself(perhaps because mom doesn't even do it for herself!) I made this child look adorable...soft waves in her hair,parted on the side,sweeping across her gigantic forehead(not mean...just true) and she looked fantastic. For a moment I really felt like I bonded with her...then the BM influence took over and sd11 got the guilty face. Then she said, "can i do it myself now?" I gulped some air to avoid screaming that I just spent 30 minutes fixing her...she takes her hands and parts her hair down the middle again, pulls a brush through it and the soft beautiful waves I created turned to stringy,dull flatness again.
I was so hurt and frustrated. Then I realized that I can't be hurt or frustrated just because she's plain and boring like her mother. I can only accept it and keep trying to show her another way to be a woman. I no longer offer to do things like that for her...she gets to see me with pretty,soft hair and nice makeup,nice clothes,etc...this seems to be enough to entice her to ask me for things like, "hey barbie can I borrow that pink scarf...I really love it." or "hey barbie can you paint my nails like yours?"
I know it's annoying when they're like BM because we can't stand BM. BUT it's really our job and our "duty" to our husbands and bf's to look past the BM traits and see HIS half of the genetics instead of her half. I'm not perfect though...when she talks to DH like her mother talks to him I have to leave the room to avoid wringing her scrawny little neck. But I also try to make peace with the fact that if DH is ok with being treated that way, it really isn't my job to defend him or 'mother' him into standing up for himself. When it gets bad enough, he'll put a stop to it and that's what helps me get by when the mini-bm comes to call at my house.
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
SD14 has a gigantic forehead too!
I have always tried to give them tips for dressing better and doing their hair, but they always revert to the same old jeans and t-shirts and pulling their hair back in ponytails. OMG when they pull their hair up in ponytails, they stick random barrettes and bobby pins in their hair. They aren't used to hold any strays in place. They just think it's cute, but it's dumb. I don't say anything when they go to school like that, but I do not allow them to do it if they are in public with me. Their mother ALWAYS wears her hair twisted up in a clip on the back of her head. Problem is she doesn't know how to do it without putting it in a ponytail first and leaving the rubber band showing. The girls were doing this too and I showed them how to do it correctly so that it looked nice. BM looks tacky all the time. She wears jeans too tight and way over-sized t-shirts nearly down to her knees and her hair in the same style nearly every day.
I have never made these feelings of annoyance towards skids known to DH or them. And I don't treat them differently because of it. It is just overwhelming at times that I have to get away from them. I don't like that I feel like this, but I can't just stop these feelings, ya know?
I am still disengaged, but I can now, at least, have some conversations with them. I have left all responsibilities regarding them up to DH. I have told him and them that I will only intervene in situations that involve my children, myself and our household finances. Things are definitely better as far as my not resenting them. They just get on my nerves now...lol
P.S. I have never thought YOU sound holier than thou. *wink wink*
"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere
lol
The "hair" thing is a source of severe irritation for me. I'm sorry for sd11 but she has a gigantic head. It's too big for her body...I often find myself wondering how her neck supports such an enormous head. The way she wears her hair just amplifies the enormity of her head. Then people look at her like she's mine when we're in public. I HATE THAT! Disengaged as I try to be, it still grates my nerves that people think she's mine when we all go out together.
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
BBB me too
sd14's forehead is massive. Last school year, I convinced her to get bangs to cover it up and they have since grown out. As per my disengagement, I don't take responsibility for their haircuts either. Anyway, her bangs don't just sweep to the side, they tend to go back and down which makes that melon stand out even more. sd12 is cute as a button, she just doesn't have any fashion sense. She HAD this green track suit with white stripes down the legs and it was cute, but she would ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS wear this green floral shirt with it. The greens didn't even coordinate. I don't know how many times I told her it didn't work together before I finally trashed the green floral shirt.
"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere
LOL...is this MY BBB?.....
LOL...YOU made my day, u really did...WOW..."I know it's annoying when they're like BM because we can't stand BM. BUT it's really our job and our "duty" to our husbands and bf's to look past the BM traits and see HIS half of the genetics instead of her half."...That's my girl.. :).....I feel like...well...I ADORE my husband, how can I really abhor HIS kids just cuz they remind me of the BM?.....TRUST me, I KNOW its not easy!!!....but I took neanderthal children and turned them into kids that I ENJOY going out to dinner with.... I have always said...its not their fault that their mother was an uneducated, unrefined, jerry springer watchin welfare mess....so now...I love this man sooooooo much....do I just sit back and allow his kids to go out into the world emulating BM or do I bust my ass educating them, teaching them manners, etc?....I chose the latter because they are in some way, whether we want to admit it or not, extensions of us, especially in situations where we are the custodial parents. Now that being said....I still get annoyed with their former ways when they bleed thru..( yu'd be shocked at how much these kids didn't know)....but they are few and far between...so I AGREE 100% with u BBB!!!!....and u are doing wonders for yur SD....yu'll see
"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar"
hey hunnybunny;) hows it goin LF?
I have that ridiculously thick skull and it takes a while for these life lessons to sink through but I think understanding and seeing a different side of the madness keeps me in a better place. Although...I still have meltdowns on a regular basis...then slap myself back to making sense.
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Crayon, you always
give me a good laugh. From your colorful descriptions, I can always get a good mental picture in my head of the scenes you describe.
"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere
I love that!
"I used to say to my son (who is dark complected) "no naked indians in the house.""
My son has dark skin too i have to steal this one from you and use it on him...it's too adorable:)
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Crizzle
I know that I AM one of the ones you consider to sound "holier than thou"... but I'm going to venture a REAL answer anyway, and not commiserate because I already did that on BBB's blog.
The only thoughts that I can offer up to you are:
Your jealousy of your husband's ex-wife is clouding your view of, and your judgment of your child. You asked if anyone had a clue.. and I am telling you that for that reason.
You aren't alone.
As far as how to stop it..since you did post that... I would suggest asking yourself why it bothers you so much. Why does anything that BM does bother us so much? Why are we all jealous? And apply it to your situation. You can go down two roads here... You can continue to just be like, well, this is normal, I'm not alone, so I can go ahead and harbor these feelings toward this kid because I have already disengaged. OR you can look at your own motivations and thoughts and realize that you have to work to overcome those thoughts. It's very hard, and I'm not successful at it myself, as you can see from my other posts today. It's an on-going struggle.
Which side you let win - disengaged and harboring resentment toward a kid because they can't help who they look like... or trying to overlook that unfortunate trait is up to you. IS THERE ANYTHING ABOUT THE KID THAT REMINDS YOU OF DH?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
This stings so much for many(self included) because it's true
"Your jealousy of your husband's ex-wife is clouding your view of, and your judgment of your child"
OUCH! They meant it when they said truth hurts. I hate that my deep dark secret is I'm jealous of BM and the time she got with my DH. I'm not jealous of her looks or personality or anything like that...I'm simply jealous of the TIME. 14years to be exact.
Admitting it is a large part of overcoming it...I'll get there some day
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
Stick I appreciate
your advice. I think you offer straightforward insight that is helpful.
Let me just get this out of the way before I finish my reply. I think you have given a lot of good advice. My "holier than thou" issue is the attacks made about the way other people vent. None of us has the right to make judgement calls on that. I feel (and I have done this) if we don't like what someone has to say, then we should just leave it be. Let them get their rage out of their systems. Saying things on here has made me lots less tense and I have been able to curb some of my own feelings just be getting it all out.
Now, that being said, I do not like that I feel this way, but I don't point these things out to them or dh. I keep them to myself and wallow in it. And you are so right in that they can't help who they look like. I am definitely trying to overcome these feelings, because I don't like it.
I have disengaged to relieve myself of responsibility of taking care of them because EVERYTHING was falling on my shoulders (and dh and I have 2 children together) and it was expected yet dh wouldn't stay on top of discipline issues. I pointed out to him time and time again that they will always love him because he is their father, but they won't love me if I have to always be the evil stepmother who makes them behave even though I was the one taking care of them and doing things for them. Since my disengagement, my resentment has gone away. I am now able to converse with the girls and am forming a relationship with them detached from parenting responsibilities. Our relationship is improving. This other stuff just drives me nuts.
It doesn't all necessarily have to do with BM either. The ones I posted were just examples of some of the things that get on my nerves. Don't get me wrong, I loathe BM after what she put those girls through, but I am in no way jealous of her. She is homeless and living with the piece of shit man that molested skids and she has paid us zero child support and won't hold a job. I have never been jealous of her, but I don't like seeing traits in the girls that remind me of her. She is truly a bad person. I want to the girls to rise above their bm's influences and lead a life that doesn't require them to stand around with their hand out waiting for someone to give them some money beccause they won't support themselves. Maybe that's why those things bug me so much. I don't want them to grow up and be like her!!! I want them to be good people and support themselves and put their children above all others unlike bm.
Also, I have very little time where I am not around them. I need a break and I need time with my own children away from them. I rarely get that. Thankfully, this weekend I will. They have just been so ungrateful and lied so much that it is hard for me to want to be around them, aside from their annoying mannerisms. Most of the things that drive me crazy are just mannerisms and they may just be a teen phase thing, but they drive me nuts just the same. I just don't know how to keep this stuff from bothering me so much.
Thanks for your input.
"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere
UGH Believe Me Crizzle... I feel your pain..
I could have written this myself, quoting you here...
"but I don't like seeing traits in the girls that remind me of her. She is truly a bad person. I want to the girls to rise above their bm's influences and lead a life that doesn't require them to stand around with their hand out waiting for someone to give them some money beccause they won't support themselves. Maybe that's why those things bug me so much. I don't want them to grow up and be like her!!! I want them to be good people and support themselves and put their children above all others unlike bm."
This is exactly the kind of thing I relate to. I fear too, that BM's genetic influence alone could bring out some of those bad traits in SD, whether or not I try to curb it. I know that we can try to stop it... but sometimes, it's out of our hands and it's frustrating.
I'm glad you will get some time without the skids this weekend.
Maybe you just need to spoil yourself and take care of YOU instead of everyone else for a bit. Maybe that would help you get back on track so that that small stuff doesn't bother you anymore. Is there anything you would really like to do for yourself that you have been putting off??
Do you think that would help?
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
you're def not alone...my
you're def not alone...my bfs kids annoy me just by being in the same room as me...and it is getting worse, and im not sure why? at times i feel bad for feeling this way......but i refuse to feel like a stranger in my own house anymore just because of when they visit...im not catering to them and how they live at their mothers house...because this IS MY HOUSE...i have def disengaged alot of the past few mths..and its def causing problems between me and my bf...but no matter what it will be his kids...and im not changing for anyone......im not a mean person and there isnt anything to even change if i could except being more involved..but im not investing any more time in them than im given information on them to be able to even do so..i know nothing about whats going on because i dont ask questions..if bf wants me to know, i feel he will tell me, so he obvioiusly doesnt care for me knowing...so why should i care?
Not alone Crizzle...
My SD9 is the spitting image of her momma. Except she has some of her dads features so she isn't bad to look at. She has BEAUTIFUL long curly hair and is tall and lean like her dad. However...She has this habit..(one of MANY) She eats with her hands like a cave woman. She'll take a chicken wing and tear it apart with her fingers piece by piece instead of holding the drumstick with her finger tips and tearing it apart with her teeth. She'll have grease all over her fat cheeks and lips and I can't help but get nauseated! Then she'll run her greasy fingers all underneath the dining table! (rolling my eyes) She eats scrambled eggs with her hands, she'll take a sandwich apart and eat the meat and leave the rest. Uugghh.....SS opens the refrigerator and stands in front of it as if ET is going to come and hand him his drink. He'll just stare into the fridge! It's so annoying!!!
So YES, I too stare at them in disbelief like WTF!!!! Many times just having them in my house doing nothing at all annoys the shit outta me. It's normal.
omg that was so funny
cracking up at my desk over "stands in front of the fridge as if ET is going to come and hand him his drink"
Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others. ~Buddha
My SS is a looker
he looks a bit like his mom but more like his dad (which is how DH figured out SS was his). He's got black hair and blue eyes and is adorable so it's not really his looks that bother me.
It's personality! If he's bored instead of entertaining himself like he's told to he'll follow you around and just sulk or keep trying to get in your line of sight on purpose in order to let you know he's there and wants to be entertained. Ugh really annoying when you are trying to get things done and he's always under foot.
He also mumbles and when asked something answers with "I don't know", "kinda", "sorta" what the hell kind of answers are those?
He's just a really needy kid and wants to be entertained ALL the time. My big thing at night is to take the dogs for a walk with just my DH because it gives us time to talk uninterupted and spend time together. Well SS throws a fit about that lately because he's so bored he wants to go on a walk to is his excuse.
Maybe it's being 37 weeks pregnant but lately all his annoying personality traits seem to be even more annoying then usual.
Yep, Those Girls Look Just Like Their BM!
All three of my Lazy SD Princesses look just like their BM. They act like her and look like her. It is disgusting. So, as two the SD Princesses still live at home, it is like I have two carbon copies of their nutty mother living in my house with me. YUCK!!!!! I can't stand her and I can't stand them.