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YSD dynamic this weekend

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Sat, 12/03/2022 - 2:27pm

So YSD16 is here the first time in well over a month. DH was exited. Great! He gets a bunch of stuff from the store (things he only makes when she's here because I don't cook then, and a whole bunch of comfort food and treats for himself. Of course I'm not factored in again. He did get more milk.). And cooks dinner instead of picking up something, admittedly hard to do now that she's pretty much vegan. I won't wait that long again, it's my earliest day and I was very hungry and tired by dinner. I have to let him know if he starts cooking at 7 pm again I'll just feed myself because it's too late on Fridays for me.

So during dinner he kept asking her if she was still hungry, did she get enough, did she want more, while moving the stuff closer to her and practically heaping in onto her plate herself. He saw me give him a look and I just said, I think she can serve herself more if she'd like. He was trying to be this 'jovial dad' character he assumes when we have dinner. Cracking stupid jokes, being all lovey and I know expecting me to play along which I don't. So I just eventually got up and started cleaning up.

Then he's practically begging her to stay up with us as she normally heads to her room. Puts on the one show she will sometimes watch, and she reluctantly agreed to stay, perched on the very edge of the couch very uncomfortable. I said I wasn't in the mood for the show but spend time with her, it's fine. He looked annoyed. I could hear her do her weird humming noises throughout the 30 min and couldn't believe he didn't say anything.

He asked us if we wanted to go to the holiday festival in town tonight. I said no (he refuses to do any of my holiday things so I don't do his) and YSD said no. I'm sure he's upset.

He's been in bed for hours this morning, because he said, why bother doing anything else. We could go on the art tour or a walk or something but I am NOT the activity coordinator. He can figure it out. Tonight well set up the tree and decorations and play a game, he's got that sorted at least.

Tomorrow I make my first holiday cookie batch!

Comments

Merrigan's picture

Submitted by Merrigan on Sun, 12/04/2022 - 8:38am

Your DH is one big sooky baby. You love him, he loves his kids, of course. Just like my soon to be DH, who is also a big sooky baby.

YOU DISNEY DADS ARE ALL BIG SOOKY BABIES. 

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Sun, 12/04/2022 - 10:24am

Yes! LOL.

DH asked me to go for a walk yesterday. Sure! Oh, I should ask YSD to come. Of course that was his plan all along. So after over an hour of waiting, I'm ready to go. I want to do things. Oh, YSD is 'on the fence' about going. I am irritated. DH does say he's sorry that I'm always waiting for them. Yes DH I have other things to do too. So he says half and hour more. Ok then, if she's not ready we just go. Of course she's not ready and he tells me to go and he'll wait for her because he wants to spend time with her. FFS. Now I'm pissed and just leave. Always on her terms. She wasn't doing anything!

Dinner he was tearing his hair out trying to decide what to make as her food restrictions are difficult. I told him make what you want since she doesn't want your original suggestion and doesn't help. She's almost 17 and can live with her decisions. Of course he ends up making something entirely different with two different mains. God forbid she do something.

We didn't put up the tree or play a game because she 'wanted to do homework '. This is her out with DH. On a Saturday. I told DH we're putting up the tree on Sunday afternoon. He tried saying do it in the morning but YSD doesn't show her face until around 11-noon and I'm going to the gym and run some errands then. She leaves at 2. Not my problem. He should have insisted on it Saturday.

Then he says as we are getting ready for bed that she's not like her peers. No, she isn't and I've been saying that for a long time. "Well what can I do?" Too late DH, she's going to have to navigate herself with her peers and learn herself. "What could I have done?" Here is where I shut my mouth and contemplate the books, articles and talks we have had over the years (I suspect autism) and just shrug.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 12/04/2022 - 3:49pm

ILs.

DW and I grew tired of the waiting, waffling, indecision, etc...

So, we started telling.  

For my family, it has been mostly about the inconsistency of my brother and his family and their visits.  DW and I and my parents do things regularly. Outings, RV trips, etc...   We can have plans for months. Usually we travel to them, then we do the thing. Whatever it is.  Periodically we will be just about to leave and my brother, or SIL, or niece, nephews will call or reach out with "Hey, we are thinking about coming down this weekend." My parents would usually cancel or try to postpone our plans. I finally told them that DW and I were no longer going to do that.  Either mom, dad, DW and I follow through on our plans or DW and I would go without them.  Hard to do when mom and dad are the RV-ers. But, nothing a rental car and hotel/resort reservations won't address.

So now mom and dad generally will not do that thing.  It is easy to tell bro, SIL, their kids .... "Sorry, we wont be here." and do what has been planned. My pareents have improved significantly on this.

My IL clan is more manipulative with their version.  Silence, shoulder shrugs, not showing up, etc....  So, when we make plans we tell them what the plans are and when they are and those that choose to can come along.  We don't discuss, we don't debate, we plan, tell and go. Usually they all end up going along or joining us at some point.

In my family mom and dad are the home base place. Bro and I both had Expat careers and would travel to mom and dad's.  We communicate and work out the plans with mom and dad.  We make sure we follow those plans.  Bro and his family are not reliable when it comes to any agreed plans. Not out of manipulation. My brother is a Sr Exec and has less flexibility.  His stuff is constantly in flux.  Sp. his family is too.  THough I have pointed out to him their core family plans never seem to be interfered with when most plans with mom and dad and the extended family fall through for him and his family.  He has worked on it and is making a much more successful and reliable effort.n I get being overcome by events upon occassion. Though that should be the exception rather than the rule.

In the IL clan, except for DW, they all live in the same small town they have lived in for generations within a dozen or so miles from where MIL and FILeach grew up and then togetherraised their own family.  I get that the out of town relatives coming in can be invasive.  We stay in a hotel so we are not a burden to their homes and families.  What we do not do is waffle, sit around, do the same stuff every day we are there.   We do what we want to do and invite everyone else. We also make sure to have dedicated time with each and every one of them.  For the kids, that usually has something to do with their animals/live stock.  Feeding calves, triming bird wing feathers, milking goats, working with pigs, etc... Not all day every day, but we make an effort to participate in what the kids enjoy. We also try to do something special with each of them or at least with each family group.  A favorite restaurant of a new one that looks interesting, drives to the coast., shopping, etc....

If one or more of them has a conflict and cannot do it when we propose, we will adjust to accomodate. Within reason.