OSD19 has been at BM’s for a bit after her freshman year of college ended. DH found out from YSD17 who quietly told him OSD was there. DH has been extremely upset about this since OSD has not contacted him at all and it set off his mild depression (which he’s had since a teen). He is on medication for it (doesn’t need much at least) and has a therapist and a psychiatrist who he sees regularly and he tries to take care of himself.

The other night we were watching a show that had a scene with a dad with estranged kids. Any show we watch that has a dad character with teen kids usually triggers him (doesn’t matter if it’s a good or bad situation – any situation with those characters will do it). After the show DH started in on me and everyone about his own problems with OSD and started yelling at ME. Well, I didn’t stand for that at all and I YELLED back. Really let loose on him. So much so that he stopped and calmed down. I was furious.

And then we could talk. He’s so upset he’s had suicidal ideation (he has this sometimes and has throughout his adult life) again. Good thing is he’s talking with his therapist. I thanked him for telling me and told him I was worried about that. He walked me through it and said he’s not ever going to do anything but wants me to know about it and how it effects him and what triggers him into it, basically loss and unresolved emotions. OSD19.

Then he went on to what I’ve heard before, that “no one is helping him” or intervening with OSD. I asked him WHAT he wanted us to do (his sisters, me, who else…?). He insisted someone do something to help. I offered to call OSD then and there but we don’t have her phone number. He told me that he last tried calling/texting her via What’s App in December, but she immediately blocked him. I then told him fine, I will try and follow her on Instagram, so I sent a follow request. And told him that if he wants help he has to let people know. That OSD is estranged from his entire family, not just him.

And told him then that I don’t believe she will respond to anyone related to him at all. He tried the old line that “but you were one of her favorite people, she said so.” DH, that’s when she was 11 or 12! Reminding him that she had nothing to do with me long before she started acting out on him. And that his younger sister did try talking with her the last time she saw OSD, and didn’t get a response from OSD – but managed to tell her that her dad loved her and missed her. His older sister doesn’t really have a relationship with either SD so it would be weird if she reached out. If he has friends then ask them for help, but with no expectation of it.

DH was saying that he was just going to go over to Bms over and over until OSD talks with him. That “something” needs to change. I’m like, ok, do it ONCE and remain CALM. If they tell you to leave you must leave. They WILL have you arrested otherwise (BM did it before during the divorce) and/or issued a no-contact order! Do not trust them to do the right thing FFS! BM and OSD have proven over and over again they are not right in the head. That OSD is a mean, vindictive person with no sympathy/empathy. Even his sister says “she’s hardened her heart against him and I don’t think she’s going to ever change her mind.” BM is not any better and doesn’t care. He mentioned family therapy but quickly talked himself into remembering the last time that failed miserably when OSD was 16 and refused to go and BM let her skip it. He eventually agreed going there would not make change. DH, you cannot force her to change her mind….repeat on the mental f*ckedupness of OSD.

Then we are concerned about YSD17. She’s not been here for two months now, almost coinciding with OSDs return. There’s three weekends left before she goes with BM and some of her family on their annual summer trip for most of August. I told him to be direct with YSD. Ask her point blank when she’s going to be here because he wants to see her. He’s got plans to do things with her. As of today I don’t know if he’s done it. He mentioned that she’s been withdrawing lately and even (shocker!) noticed how she’s reacting to me. Being rude, ignoring me, things I’ve mentioned to him before. I told him straight up “I’m the wicked step-mother for some reason in both their eyes and nothing I will do is OK, ever.” I told him I leave the room when she’s there so she’ll talk with him because she doesn’t do it if I’m present. That he needs to get her out doing things one on one with him, out of her room and the house. So he agreed with all that.

BM also contacted DH to discuss….you got it...college costs for YSD. Oh, really? I unleashed on DH, insistently, that this is a re-hash almost of OSD and that college nightmare! YSD has said virtually nothing to DH about college, where she went, what she likes, what she wants to study, etc. That DH must talk with YSD about this before agreeing to any financial discussion. Again, a NORMAL thing for a parent to do. He needs to either talk with BM but no details and make it clear that YSD needs to speak with him too, or to ask YSD directly. I said that I was planning on giving some cash to YSD upon high school graduation IF she doesn’t disappear on DH. If she does, I’m out. DH has not yet responded to BM. Good.

I also told DH that in spite of him somehow thinking I’m unscathed throughout all this, very much not so. That this effects me greatly because of these messed up situations and how we, and myself, have been treated. That it’s on my mind a LOT and I worry about him a LOT. So don’t tell me that this is easy DH. Those girls have not been nice to me and I’ve been sidelined constantly. I married into this with the best of intentions and I’m not going anywhere but it’s been HARD.

I did end up contacting DH’s sister (who I love) and we had a nice chat about what’s going on. She’s very aware of the details, hates BM, is angry with OSD and thinks she’s a b*tch as well, AND she’s got her own step-hell going on (which I reminded DH of lest he thinks everyone has it easy). She thinks he needs to start seeing her therapist, which I also think is a fantastic idea. We are also all four going to talk this weekend (thank you Zoom!). His older sister is an elder therapist, who also deals with depression issues. DH agreed to talk with everyone so that we are all on the same page, nothing hidden.

Even if YSD does show up we will still meet with them even if we have to drive somewhere to have privacy.

Meanwhile, OSD did block me from her Instagram. DH asked me last night, “Are you sure? That you just cannot find her with a search?” Me, “DH what the hell? She blocked YOU, her DAD, and you knew that right away – you think she wouldn’t hesitate to block me? Really? I’m not stupid.”