Done with it?
Posting here as well in case you don't go to the teenage forums and my ongoing postings there.
So the Middle School promotion ceremony went exactly as I thought it would. Per DH:
He arrives, attends ceremony. Afterwards, tries to walk up to SD14, with a card (with cash in it), and she grabs a friend and RUNS away from him. He goes back to BM, who takes card and says, with a grin, "She's just not ready to talk with you yet."
I'm freaking FUMING at this story. But, DH has it understood.
1) If SD14 does not thank him for the gift or contact him in any way within the next week and a half, then we will clear out her room, put everythign in boxes/donate and make it into a room SD12 would like. 2) He will not be contacting SD14 in any way. If she refuses to contact him or attend any more counseling sessions, then it's on her (and BM really). 3) He will continue with his own counseling sessions in the meantime. 4) she never contacted him on Father's Day - as I thought.
I told him I was disgusted by both SD14 and BMs behavior. Suggested he STOP TALKING TO BM about any of this. Keep conversations with her to need to know/emergency only. Do not trust her. He understands that she is likely actively condoning (duh) SD14s choices. He started slipping at the end of the conversation to 'oh, people change...." but he caught himself, corrected that and said that it could be a long time before we see her again and he has to just reconcile himself to that.
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When SDs withdraw from parents
At that age it is generally their choice and they are old enough to make them. Of course the parent needs to "be there" when they are ready, or whatever, but let them make their choices and live with the repercussions.
Winona SD19, just after she turned 18, was beaten up by her HC GU BM and withdrew from her tremendously. She came to live with us over the summer working and taking classes. Then she decided to just disappear, and go no contact. There was no big blowout, she simply ghosted. Her choice, and now almost a year later, her old room is now my office that I share with my fish, and her stuff is in boxes, or donated or thrown away, or worn by Munchkin SD12. DH will be sad for a while, but must move forward. Sorry this happened though! Winona SD19, did not even spend fathers day with SO or call, she made other plans and then said she was sick.
I'm familiar with your story
I'm familiar with your story - and so many others too. With a split family it's so much easier for the skid to just go to the favored parent - If it has been me, I would have been with my dad in a heartbeat. But no such luck!
Personally I feel relief but know that DH is going through it much worse. But he'll continue with the counselor and SD12 is still seemingly happy and well adjusted so that's a bright spot.
Thanks for the perspective!