Perception's Of The Stepmonster?
I was just wondering if anyone has observed a close friend,or family member's personal perception/views of SM's,and how this impacts on their step dynamic?
My sister was a BM long before i became a SM,and looking back now,she was a real handful.You name it,she did it.She would say terrible things to the girls about SM,in the hope they would turn against her,she would undermine SM at every given oppurtunity,and would even dress,'provocatively',when she knew Biodad would be doing the pick ups's and drop off's (even back then i used to cringe at this).Our family met the SM quite a few times,and i have to say that she was really friendly,she loved both girls,was a great mother figure to them,and really was a gentle,caring,and thoroughly nice person,unforunately,she went on to divorce the Biodad,and i have since heard that my sister's hatred towards her was instrumental in the break-up of the marriage.Something that had never occured to me at the time.
I also have an aunt who is the BM,and her 26 year old daughter(my cousin),who is the SD,the pattern of behaviour seems to be the same,the SM is the hated figure,and everything that goes wrong,is because of her.
For instance,SM redecorating the former marital home shortly after moving in,was a 'control freak',and,'insecure'.According to SD(my cousin),the SM had no right to redecorate 'her' and biodads house because it was simply,'not her place'-My cousin also accuses her SM of being jealous,because bio dad carries his daughter's pictures of her in his wallet,.....on his screen saver,....on his cell,and the SM has commented that it makes her feel uncomfortable.I also find it quite sad that my aunt and cousin find it amusing when bragging about yet another incident whereby they managed to passively-aggressivly make the SM look like a total fool,additionally,if SM and bio dad argue,the SM is always the 'instigator',and my aunt seems to know 'everything' about what goes on in SM's house.(my cousin also regularly invites my aunt into the house when SM and bio dad are not there for 'lunch' or 'coffee')
I know that not all BM's are like this,my own mother was always really nice about both my SM's,and encouraged us to have a great r'ship with them,which i did(My sister,on the other hand,was an adult SD from hell!),and nievely,i thought DH's ex would also be one of 'nice' one's',i was very,very wrong!
I just find it really disheartening that SM's are generally viewed in such a negative way from the outset,that every single thing they say and do is constantly under scrutiney,that all eyes are on 'them'(us),and how their mere presence can bring about such destruction, to an otherwise 'happy' situation before 'they'(the SM's) came along.I often wonder,if the negative perception of SM's in general,is in any way partly responsible for the reason why ,'some', BM's find our arrival so difficult from the outset.....'sigh'....
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I think it is the realization
I think it is the realization that it is truly over and their former spouse HAS moved on. They no longer have any leverage over their former spouse other than using their own children. I think if they would just love their children more than they hate their father, this would not occur.
I totally agree with you TB.
I totally agree with you TB. I have been called the stepmonster. I can't figure out why...In 5 years, I've only talked to the BM maybe twice, but I have always been very loving to my SS and have treated him just as I do my other kids. She has been hateful toward me from the beginning and even went as far as to tell SS that I am the reason that DH and BM aren't friends anymore (they had been divorced for about 5 years before I met DH and she had been the one to leave him b/c they hated each other so much). She has so much hate for DH that she is hurting SS11 so bad. I have plenty of friends that play the SM role and I've never seen them mistreat the kids, etc. I'm both SM and BM and my XH is lucky he has me for BM. He hasn't paid support in I don't know how many years-heck, the court order is so messed up that the judge accidentally only calculated it for 1 kid instead of 2. Even so, I feel blessed that I have my kids with me so much that it doesn't matter that he doesn't pay CS. I didn't have kids to get a paycheck. With my SS's BM though, it's all about the money and always has been. SS is her pawn to hurt DH with and her paycheck. DH is an awesome dad-to ALL of our kids-and yet BM plays her games constantly to keep SS away, but makes sure she never misses a penny of support and is constantly having her hand out for more. I hate it.
The first mothers day that
The first mothers day that rolled around after we got sole custody of kiddo, which fell a year and a half later, during which i spent being a part time student/ full time stay at home stepmom, during which bm saw kiddo like four times and paid no child support, i wasnt really expecting a card or anything but not only did my own mother not even wish me a happy mothers day, my sisters didnt, none of my friends wished me even a happy day, but when we went over to my inlaws not only did i get NOTHING but my FIL looked at me, said happy mothers day! then a heart beat later said Oh nevermind. Youre not a mom yet. Funny thing, this is DHs stepdad who has no bios of his own but expects a huge deal to be made about him on fathers day. BM got all sorts of shit for giving birth to the 8 year old she sees only on major holidays and the 5 year old she barely knows. Someone explain that to me. How I raise a child for a year and a half, day in day out, do everything a stay at home parent would do, but im not a mom and she gives birth to two children of whom the first she cant remove from her parents home and the second she has occasional sleepovers with. Explain that. That was about two-three years ago and it still hurts and makes me want to spit fire, obviously. The only thing that saved that day was that DH got me a card and kiddo made me mothers day stuff at preschool. Theyre the only ones that matter anyway.
“I often wonder if the
“I often wonder if the negative perception of SM's in general, is in any way partly responsible for the reason why ,'some', BM's find our arrival so difficult from the outset.....'sigh'....”
In my view vengeful, envious BM’s use society’s negative perception of SMs to destroy their Ex’s new marriage. I mean what greater gift to drop right into your lap and wreak some more damage to that rotten piece of crap EX than to use a negative stereotype of SMs to destroy his new marriage. Then they can say..see? It wasn’t me who was at fault for our marriage ending in divorce it was HIS.
“I also find it quite sad that my aunt and cousin find it amusing when bragging about yet another incident whereby they managed to passively-aggressively make the SM look like a total fool,”
Surprisingly enough these vicious games are played often in stepfamilies. Society does not grant a second marriage the same privileges a first one has automatically. Why is that? Because, weak, emotionally dishonest women use the only weapon they think they have to destroy THAT woman, which is gossip, exclusion and backstabbing.
In your case even the ultimate disrespect to invade the sanctity of SM’s home without invitation. (after all, it’s not her house anyway, and she should learn her place as to be defined by SD. cough) I want to smack their smug faces on her behalf. Yet, if you were to ask these same women why they were so mean, they would look at you like you were an alien from mars and say I wasn’t mean to HER..SHE was mean to me!
It is all the work of ignorant bitches that haven’t bothered to take the time to root out their personal biases (all stepmothers are evil and all stepchildren, regardless of age, and malicious intentions are innocents) and treat their brother’s, son’s, or father’s new wife with even the same amount of respect they would extend to the pizza delivery guy.
They haven’t learned they treat other women they feel threatened by like crap because they feel and often are powerless in their lives. To them it is an amusement, a pastime, they might even say a hazing of sorts to make contemptuous fun of a SM. The actual emotional, spiritual and physical damage done to SM is of no concern to them. They will say the same old crap all bullies always say, “you brought it on yourself, you dug your own grave, we bent over backwards, it takes two, bla, bla, bla”.
“she went on to divorce the Biodad, and i have since heard that my sister's hatred towards her was instrumental in the break-up of the marriage. Something that had never occurred to me at the time.”
This is also quite common where the steps will do unscrupulous things to destroy dad’s new marriage, be hateful, disrespectful, vicious, uncooperative, excluding, you name it, they then will go on to state they had nothing to do with the breakdown of the marriage, although the step’s hateful treatment of SM was likely the longest, most bitter battle in their marriage.
Miraculously the brain disconnect in these people is so powerful they refuse to admit that they most absolutely were the cause of the divorce. Nope, to them, nothing was ever their fault. It had to be that SM was a flawed, cold bitch with no love in her heart for anyone including dad.
Words of wisdom to dads…don’t give your children the power to destroy your marriage because they will use it.