Long Time Lurker - First Time Blogger
I’ve been lurking for a few weeks – but am posting for the first time today. So much of what I’ve read on this site has resonated with me already but I’m still left with questions about my situation & am hoping for any opinions or advice.
My SO & I have been together for a little over 2yrs, living together for the last 9mnths or so, we decided to start fresh by moving into a place we picked together. He has 2x sons, OSS13 & YSS11, he & BM separated when YSS was still a baby. He also has a ‘daughter’ that isn’t biologically his. She is 8yrs & BM’s daughter, to an absentee & abusive father, the half sister to his boys. I’m not sure exactly how to refer to this little girl sooo I’ll just go with SD8 to make it easy.
When she was born & BM was in a unhealthy relationship with her father, SO had his boys more than he does now & from what I understand, he ended up caring for SD too because he felt a responsibility to help remove a baby from a bad home situation as much as he could. This upstanding gentleman left shortly after & hasn’t been a part of her life but my SO has treated her as one of his own ever since. We have the kiddies, all of them, 3wknds in a month.
When I met my SO, he was very upfront & explained everything to me early on, so I knew what I was getting myself into. Do we ever really know, though, what we’re getting ourselves into!? Trying to imagine it & the reality of it can be vastly different. Anyway, as unconventional as the relationship is, I can handle that bit. The part I can’t handle – is her behaviour.
What I’ve recently learned is that I have a ‘mini wife’ on my hands & words cannot explain how glad I was to understand a little more about that, I started to think I must be jealous of a little girl but deep down knew that I wasn’t, so I thought I was going crazy. I could give examples, so many examples, but it’ll just make this way longer than necessary.
She’s entitled, ungrateful, bratty & rude. I believe some of these behaviours are outside of the mini wife syndrome I’m learning about, I think a lot of it is her testing boundaries & the adults in her life overcompensating for her rough start in the world, but it isn’t doing her any favours at all. The thing is, she’s also bright, funny & full of potential. None of which will be realised if she’s given the freedom to reign terror down on all those she comes across.
My SS’s are not perfect, they’re teenage boys, so they grunt more than they speak & they smell more than they don’t. However, they show me respect in my home & make me laugh a bit, so we all get along fine. I don’t parent them & as a result – I find I mostly appreciate them.
As for SD, well I’m not sure how to navigate this, it’s easy to say that I’m not her mother but what’s hard is that my SO is also not her father so where do we go from there? He does acknowledge some of her bad behaviour, it’s hard not to, but is also very protective of her. I think he’s accustomed to defending her position in his life & doesn’t take criticism of her very well when he is usually a great listener & communicator. She makes those weekends really unenjoyable at home & I’m starting to get to the point of not wanting to be seen with her in public either. How do I figure out my boundaries? What‘s the best way to speak to my SO about this? Is there a way to make life more peaceful for all now & protect ourselves going forward? Any feedback would be welcome!
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I think where both your DH &
I think where both your DH & BM are going wrong is by thinking of this girl as having a ‘rough start at life’. Yes her BD left & that will absolutely have an impact, but your DH stepped up in a way most other people wouldn’t, and has provided her with structure & love most kids in a situation like that never get.
So in a lot of ways, this kid is incredibly fortunate. She doesn’t need to be dealt with kid gloves, she needs structure & support just like any other kid.
As far as boundaries for yourself, you need to decide what behaviours you will & wont put up with yourself. You don’t need your DH’s permission, or even his support, to tell his ‘daughter’ to knock it off when she’s disrespectful to you.
You have the right to expect to be treated with respect in your own home. Be polite & civil, but you’re not their doormat. She doesn’t get to call the shots, you do. Your DH is a huge part of the problem here with his ‘poor little girl’ attitude with her, but you can’t change him, you can only change yourself.
If she sits in your seat, she needs to move. If she complains, you respond with ‘when you pay the bills you can sit where you want’. Keep things simple, creating boundaries for yourself is a right we all have, and you need boundaries with DH as well.
If he complains about ‘poor little princess’ when you stand up for yourself, you simply restate the boundary. ‘I’m the adult DH, and I have the right to expect respect in my own home’.
It’ll be bumpy at first, but the more you maintain your boundaries without compromise, the more both DH & ‘SD’ will realize you mean business. Take care of you.
This is good advice. I'm just
This is good advice. I'm just wondering why, apart from being the good guy, OPs SO is doing this for a child that is not his.
OP: does your SO pay CS for her? I guess he buys her stuff ofc but why is the bio dad not being held to account? In some places his treating her as if she were his child could mean an order for CS (if he's not paying it already).
If you are ok with all this then I think Monkeysee's advice is the way to go and just hope for the best.
And I would just like to add
And I would just like to add that as SD is only 8 then it's very likely early days and will get worse as puberty hits. Your SO needs to take your feelings into account too, not just the feelings of a child that is not his.
My SO doesn't pay CS for her,
MoominMama - My SO doesn't pay CS for her, he does pay for everything she has at our house & everything she does while she's styaing with us, the same way he pays for OSS & YSS. This is one of the first things I asked him about - but you do make a good point. Oh & I know, reading the stories on all the mini wives on this site that are well & truly grown, is completely terriying! She acts like a moody teenager already. Is that normal? I know for a fact that I was an angel at that age. Okay, not really, but I swear I wasn't a teenager in waiting. I really want to try & put as much in place now as possible because I am well aware that it can only get harder not easier.
I think you're spot on with a
Monkeysee - I think you're spot on with a number of your points & I really needed to hear them! You're right that everyone treats her as though she's breakable & that absolutely isn't the right way to look at her or her situation. You're also right that my SO is part of the problem, he's well intentioned, but so misguided. I guess I really need to treat her the same way I treat her brothers & expect the same things from her as I do them? I do try - but it's nice to hear that it's the right thing to be doing & I'm on the right track. Thanks for your feedback on boundaries too. My SO & I do talk about her, her attitiude & her behaviour, when things happen but I think I need to have a proper conversation with him.
Questions you should have answers too. What do you really know.
Is bio dad in the clinker OR was he ever in clinker for assault of your boyfriends x? 2. Does that bio dad pay child support.
Its disgusting to learn that many women use false dv to get custody of kids. If I were you I would investigate that info to find the facts.
I strongly believe our society should take dv seriously and I also agree because of the severity of dv, perps should be jailed. So that also means there is a record of charges against him in the state 'they lived'..Even IF bm pulled the plug before perp went to court. Some states will move forward with charges in spite of victim letting go.
3. Why didnt boyfriend adopt child IF bio dad is out of the picture??? 4. Where bio dads rights terminated? 5. is there a court order between SO's ex (bm) and bio dad?
6. Is all information that your boyfriend has about childs bio dad, based on bio moms reporting to your boyfriend only? This includes maternal family as reporters too.
The reasons I ask these questions is that YOU have all factual info moving forward in your relationship.
Have all the facts op...
Good Luck to you and welcome to st
THIS!!
According to the Girhippo and her clan, Chef just "walked out on his kids" when in fact she PASed them out. Also Gir tells everyone that Chef is a DEADBEAT DAD when he shells out so much in CS it is ridiculous.
Goodluck - Thanks for all the
Goodluck - Thanks for all the food for thought! I have asked many of these questions, knowledge is power after all, so I tried to educate myself about that situation just as I'm trying to educate myself about the best way to move forward. Birth father doesn't pay CS but BM doesn't technically have sole custody, I've asked my SO why, he said everyone has recommended she do this but she simply hasn't. Bio dad isn't locked up but as been in & out - BM knew his history & still decided to procreate with him? Crazy. BM, my SO & his brother all knew each other from the neighbourhood they used to live in many years ago, so although much of this is coming from BM & I do think she has a talent for blowing things out of proportion, he was always bad news I'm afraid. I do wonder where all of this leaves my SO if 'bad dad' rocks up again but for now - I just need to protect myself & go from there. Thanks again.