it's for the children
really, if i hear this again imma gonna scream. if it truly WAS for the children, why the divorce? bm left dh cause she got hot in the pants for another man. was her leaving for the children? nope, it was about HER own needs. how many of these types of divorces exist? i bet ALOT. but, these are the same bm's that ask for favors "for the children", right? can't make dr. appointments? call bd, his kids are sick. can't shuttle kids around? call bd, his kids simply HAVE to have extracurriculars. leaky faucett, toilet? call bd, it's his kids using that toilet. kids need clothes? bd and his wife can buy them, after all, they won't allow the children to go without, now would they? advice on car repairs? yep, bd, afterall it's his kids that ride in that car. these are all just examples, these types of "favors" have stopped for the most part. but, what is bm's responsibilities? SHE collects child support, SHE gets head of household and all the other "perks" involved in being a parent. it kills me everyone lets her off the hook. she has grown accustomed to everyone else pick up her slack. ya know what? not my husband. my life isn't going to revolve around him having to do double duty to make up for her lack of parenting. he chose to have kids with this moron. i'm sure she hasn't changed that much since conception. i may be cold here, but if you didn't think about the kids when you left the only stability those kids ever knew, why in the world should everyone elses' world revolve around them now?? God forbid that dh pieced his torn, shattered world together and managed to moved on and create another family. and i heard something, don't know if it's true or not but hitler once said that tyranny is tolerated as long as it's done "for the children" (although directed at government, it applies). so, will the children suffer when this "tyranny" is put down? maybe. but how much suffering have they already gone through because of the divorce? did bm believe she's still be in the driver's seat after the divorce? i know for a FACT she did. have her cake and eat it too? not where my dh is concerned. she's their mother...so let her mother as only she can, the good with the bad.
the children will suffer. but, the fact is...those kids were doomed the minute they were conceived by these two. they would have suffered if the two of them stayed together with all the fighting, etc... at least NOW, they can get away from it by coming to our calm, drama-free world, even if it's for a tiny bit of time. THIS is the best my dh and i can offer them. so, was the divorce worse than staying together? probably. i know as a child my parents separated for awhile and i MUCH preferred the fighting over the separation (much too young to think about what was good for THEM). i was doomed, but i am eternally thankful that they stayed together for MY sake. just blowing steam, thanks for listening.
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Comments
I hope he doesn't engage her
I hope he doesn't engage her when she calls with a to do list. That is what divorce means. she no longer has a hunny do list for him. That's your privilege now. If she needs a toilet fixed, she can call her bf, dad, or a plumber.
It's not his responsibility anymore, that's what not being together MEANS. seems women tend to forget that, when they are crotch hopping....
And ya know, what of my least fav this to do, is to have to get my oil change. Although I'm not single, I'm not married, but man I look forward to a day when I can get my guy to handle that crap!
no, he doesn't anymore, but
no, he doesn't anymore, but she sure tried (still dips her toe in the water occasionally to see if he'll bite). but, i still hear the bull-crap, it's for the boys. childrens services thinks she's fit to be custodial (we've called), the judge in the divorce thought she was fit, who the hell are we to say she's NOT fit/capable? but yes, he does still buy the boys clothes, takes them to the dentist/doctor because HE feels she is unfit/incapable to do so. and, she counts on it. but all the blatent crap doesn't fly anymore, the "favors". we don't do favors.
if it truly WAS for the
if it truly WAS for the children, why the divorce?
^^^^ EXACTLY!!! If it was sooo about the children why didn't you stay together for the children?
I can't tell you how many times I have said this to DH when he said that him and BM decided to be "friends" after the divorce for the sake of the children.
I said if you wanted to be "friends" with BM and hang out or whatever then why didn't you stay FRIENDS and stay together! :jawdrop:
i've heard it, too! until i
i've heard it, too! until i offered to step out of the picture so that those two could reconcile. being married "friends" is better than a divorce ANY day, but of course, that would mean putting the kids first and that isn't what the divorce was about.
I did the same thing. In
I did the same thing. In fact, I believe my letter said "If you want to reconcile, please do and save all of us any more misery. You have my blessing." Then I left for three days.
But are quick to point out
But are quick to point out that any tiny thing the man needs or wants in his life is simply selfish therefore he's a crappy, selfish dad.
OMG, I could've written this.
OMG, I could've written this. I feel for you.
The BM on our end filed for divorce. She wanted it. She also wants his husband duties to be performed by him still. It's been a constant argument from day one. I finally recently told him that I can't get married to a man who is already married. Things have improved a lot on that front but it's tough. They get so used to just doing what she says that it's a hard cycle to break. And the exes know what buttons to push and do it perfectly.
"My computer is broken,
"My computer is broken, please fix it for the kids"
"My old car won't start, can you take a look at it so SS has a car to use?"
"It's my weekend with the kids but there are so many of them that I can't drive them everywhere myself, please come pick up SS and take her to her friend's house. Driving two hours roundtrip in the middle of your Saturday of your weekend with you GF wouldn't matter if you loved your kids"
"I can text you at 11PM to ask you a questuion about my own dog because it's the kids' dog too"
Just NO.
a terrible idea for whom?
a terrible idea for whom? absent abuse, addiction or adultery, it is always in the best interest of the children for the parents to stay together. bad parents are going to be bad parents whether they're happy or not. it's more ignorance and selfishness that makes them bad parents rather than whether they're happy or not. when i was younger, i completely agreed that staying for the children was a terrible idea, but as i've aged, i see it differently now.
anyway, the whole point of
anyway, the whole point of this post wasn't so much to disparage divorce as to say boo to those that think it's perfectly acceptable for bd to be at bm's beck and call/errand boy "for the kids" - whether she's working or whatever- on his off weeks when it upsets his wife. it's NOT for the kids, it's playing into bm's tyranny.
I had this conversation with
I had this conversation with DH prior to getting married. BM would pull this crap all the time, she'd call DH for every stupid little thing and when I would flip my shit, DH would say, it's for SS! The final straw was when DH and I were supposed to go play golf one afternoon. He got a call from BM. Apparently she was about 1.5 hours away on her way to an amusement park and her car broke down. She wanted DH to come and get her.... Her, SS AND BMs boyfriend and HIS 2 kids. WTF? I was like are you friggin kidding me? She doesn't have a mother, sister, father, brother, friend ANYONE she can call besides YOU?? We ended up fighting, it ended with DH saying he was going to go get them because "I can't know that SS is sitting on the side of the road somewhere stranded, what do you want me to do?" I told him that if he was going to continue to play that "it's for SS game" that I would no longer play our dating game. I told him one could argue that he should go and wipe BMs ass.. I mean we wouldn't want SS to have a mother with a smelly ass right? It's just a dumb ass cowardly excuse for why these men do BMs bidding.
The good news is, that is the last time we fought about that. DH got about 20 minutes away to go get BM and her clan and she called him and they got into a huge fight and he told her to find someone else to come get her and turned around and came home... and guess what?????? She found someone else to come and get her.... MY.POINT.EXACTLY!