I think my DH is a Disney Dad
I now that sounds silly, he either is or he isn't, but it's not 100% clear, and it's not all the time. A couple of things have brought this to light, first; DH has always had 50/50 custody, but in the beginning we had SS11 every weekend, so we were always out and about doing things, very rarely were we on a strict time schedule like you would be if you had to get to work or school. About 6 months ago we changed to 50/50 schedule to a 5/2/2/5 which we all like much better, but it has brought up some issues. I also just spent 2 weeks with DH and SS on vacation.
This weekend we had a huge blow up over the front screen door constantly being left open by SS11. I was frustrated and I marched outside and told DH so, DH threw me under the bus, and made me out to be the bad guy to SS. DH's solution was to replace the arm thing that automatically closes the door, which is great, but why do I have to get to the point of insanity before anything is done? And on top of that why can't SS learn to close a door? Is that really too much? We barely spoke the rest of the day, and into yesterday. Last night DH makes a comment that I hadn't said anything about him fixing the door, to which I replied that I appreciated the door getting fixed but the actual problem is not the door but his lack of parenting, and parenting out of guilt.
You can imagine how that went over.....I get that no one wants to hear that they are a sucky parent, and no one wants to hear negative things about their child, but seriously is he blind? SS is by no means a horrible child, but he does not respect DH, me or our home. DH doesn't think anything is an issue because it's not malicious. DH tells me that he doesn't want to be on SS case the whole time he is at our house, and that I nit pick too much. SS is a slob, he can not eat without getting food all over his face and clothes, I just got a new car and he is not allowed to eat or drink anything but water in it, DH thinks its funny and says you should see all the stuff I spill in your car when your not around, right in front of SS. At dinner I have to constantly remind him to use silverware, and that spaghetti is not a finger food! He is constantly climbing on furniture, sitting on the arm of the couch and sliding down the banister, I must tell him 25 times a day to stop doing those things, and I get the same response "I forgot". He is sneaky and always listening to our conversations, I feel like I can't even talk in my own home. If he hears the phone ring he comes running, lots of the time is it one of my older daughters facetiming me and he will stand behind me, make faces, and try to interject in the conversation. When I say something to DH he says "what, he's excited", or "he's 11, what do you expect", or "what do you want me to do, beat him into submission?". If by chance DH does discipline SS there is never follow thru, he takes electronics away forever, or no more tv, things that are not going to happen. But then he also seems to get irritated with me at the same time. I honestly think that these things do not bother DH, and he only pretends to care because I get angry.
I'm feeling defeated, it's affecting my marriage. I want to support my husbands feelings, but not at the cost of my sanity. DH will read articles or books, and that has helped a lot with dealing with HCBM, do any of you have any recommendations on books about parenting after divorce, or parenting out of guilt?
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Comments
I think that one of the
I think that one of the biggest issues with kids "in general" these days is the fact that so many parents have limited time with their own kids. Either both parents work outside the home...or in divorce situations etc.. The parents don't want to literally spend every minute they get with their kids fighting with them.
My DH only had a few days a month with his girls and he hated to have to spend time rehashing issues that were going on with them (like bad grades or hanging out with bad influences etc..) while they were there for just a few days. Now he wasn't full on disney. He made the girls help us work around the property on projects like hauling rocks by hand..hehehe. But, we would also try to do at least one thing they would like...even if it was going out for sushi or something of that sort.
But, that didn't mean that we didn't have to constantly remind them to do things like make their beds.. pick up their stuff from the living room or take their trash with them when they leave the car. The last thing was one of my peeves because we would be in my car and when I went to work the next day... I had to remove half eaten bags of chips and half drunk drinks (that they just HAD to have). My YSD was particularly bad about getting a drink.. taking two sips and leaving it. In fact, just this past weekend, she came over for breakfast and got a coke and when she was done with it she said "Esmod.. look".. and turned the can to show it was empty.. I wryly said. " Christmas miracle in July".. she is 20 and thinks it's funny that I used to get on her about not finishing her drinks...
But, I get it... dad has the kid a few days... and doesn't want to feel like he picks at them constantly. In fact.. he may not even be as irritated at the lapses as the SM is. Guys have a pretty good blind eye to little messes and irritations. Also, it is a little harder on the kids who go from house to house.. different rules.. different quirks (like a screen door that doesn't shut automatically like his at home does). Not saying that the kids don't need to learn to be more observant and careful.. just saying a lot of stuff piles up and makes it sometimes harder for things to be addressed properly.
But, then again, kids won't learn unless taught.. and reminded and reinforced and that has to happen over and over in order for it to make an indelible impression on their brains. It's also important to pick battles to a certain extent. sometimes we have to give a little until one area is under control before we move on to thenext worst issue.
Thank you ESMOD, you gave me
Thank you ESMOD, you gave me a lot to think about. I do try to pick my battles, and I think this weekend everything just came to a head because I've been trying to ignore it for so long.
I feel the same way Coco72.
I feel the same way Coco72. My DH is a full blown disney dad but he says that he will try to work on it. It is a constant battle. ESMOD does give good advice.
My skids pee all over the seat and the outside of the toilet. Constantly touch my personal things without asking. OSS even looks through my financial stuff and takes pictures for BM. I cannot leave anything personal around my house. Everything I don't want to the skids to know or see is locked in my room. It is very sad that we as adults cannot feel comfortable in our own homes because these men cannot parent their kids and we always look like the bad guys for trying to parent.
tankh - that is exactly what
tankh - that is exactly what I said to DH last night, I'm not comfortable in my own home, some times I don't even feel like it is my home. Why do I have to lock myself in my room, or leave my house? Why can't he parent his child? I don't expect perfection, I raised 4 children of my own, they were not perfect. Messes get made, things spill, it gets loud when were excited, I don't feel like I'm being unreasonable, until I voice my frustration, then I'm made out to be the wicked witch of the east.
So he thinks that you are
So he thinks that you are making a big deal about it?
yes he does, he thinks
yes he does, he thinks because its not malicious its not a big deal.
Annoyances
Adults should be and deserve to be respected in their own homes. Kids do not make the rules and should not be allowed to be messy little heathens.
And to the lazy Disney Daddies that don't want to be nagging and harping on their kids during visitaton....UMMm how about set some rules and guidelines that this kids know they have no choice but to accept and follow..
A little clutter or leaving a sweater on a sofa is one thing. Peeing all over the seat , leaving trash all over and being unhygenic is nasty as F&@k and should NEVET be allowed.
I nag my SO when his kids leave messes. He can choose to have them correct it or he can do it himeself. If he wants to be upset with me for complainging about a kid mess...well I have zero f^%ks to give about that. This is my house and I will be respected.
I think after writing all
I think after writing all this out and reading and responding to all your comments and suggestions I am realizing that I do not feel as though I am an equal adult in the household.
Here's an example: I wrote about the door issue, a bit of a pet peeve of mine, but also a safety issue because I am deathly allergic to bee stings and the front yard is full of flowers, but a pet peeve none the less. DH hates when stuff is left in the front yard, he says it looks trashy (that is also how I feel about a door being left open) SS constantly leaves his bike, pogo stick, basketball, baseball and glove, etc. in the front yard. Sometimes it's for hours and sometimes he just runs inside to get a drink or use the bathroom. But if DH sees it it is a big deal, because it irritates him, but when I'm irritated because the door is open AGAIN I'm being controlling, and I need to realize that he is only 11, so I should chill out and just close the door.
It's this double standard, and the fact that his discipline is so extreme that it is never followed through with, that has me so upset. When the bike is left outside, thats it, it's getting thrown in the trash (we all know it's not) or he can't ride the bike for a day and an hour later because SS has complained that he is SO bored and wishes he was at mom's so he could ride his bike there, DH gives in and lets him have his bike back, but don't worry Coco, I had a stern talking with him.
Maybe I'm being dramatic, but what is life going to be like in 5 years when SS is 16?
Oh Man. This is me exactly
Oh Man. This is me exactly (read my last Forum post, "I feel like i'm going crazy"). Our custody is different for the summer too, and for some reason it is hitting me harder, even though we have LESS time with skids. It's like Disney Dad is coming out a bit more since we have them less.
My biggest issue is the double-standard. SO can yell at skids when they get annoying, do something he doesn't like, etc. But if I do, he gets soo irritable with me, says I'm being too hard on them or am out of line. I literally almost never actually yell at them or show real irritation, but the second I do, even if it's one time in 6 months, he is just outraged. Sooo, let me get this straight- I did not birth these children and don't have the bio bond with them, I get very little to no say in raising them, which means that they are not being raised the way I would, yet I have to live with them....and somehow I'm supposed to just, what, never ever be annoyed at them or yell at them? He doesn't really care about messes like I do though. He leaves shit laying all over. Skids and SO being slobs drives me insane. It's a constant irritation.They will eat food and it will fall on the floor and they clearly see it, but they leave it, because the f*cking food fairy will pick it up, right?
We have talked about having different "triggers", that different things annoy us both, and he claims he tries to let it go when I say something to skids that he doesn't necessarily agree with. He says that, but then when it comes time to practice it he has a hard time following through, because he goes into defense mode. I feel like he thinks the worst of me and my intentions, and I should be the one he thinks the best of. It's like he doesn't trust me with his kids, which is crap. Especially since I'm with them every night while he sleeps to work 3rd shift.
Normally
If you feel your are not equal then you are NOT. SO is parenting out of guilt. He guilty how BM and SS life went down the toilet. Mainly SS life is not goos with BM. That not how he incision SS life to be. He will not parent SS because if there rules at BF house and no rules at BM. He will choose the easy place BM
sont know what you are going to do, Because this will not change. This is how it’s going to be. I don’t know if you or anybody could live this way. Personally if I had SS 50% or more of the time. I would have my own rules. What everyone will march too.