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13yr SS moving in...lots to talk about

CNP770's picture

Submitted by CNP770 on Wed, 06/05/2019 - 8:04pm

Hi! I am new to this so please bare with me, I will try to make a long story short. This weekend, my 13.5 yr old SS is moving in with us full time, and he currently doesn't know it. I am not a bio mom and now I will be mom full time to this great kid. I am scared, excited, nervous, and terrified all rolled into a stress filled mental zone. There is A lot of back story to this but from the other step parents that have dealt with this, what advice would you give? Thanks! 

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fakemommy's picture

Submitted by fakemommy on Wed, 06/05/2019 - 8:18pm

Just remember, you will not be a full time mom to this kid. He has a mom and he's not going to forget that. Also remember that your husband has custody, not you. Your husband should be doing most of the boundry-setting and enforcing and most of the heavy lifting. I know you'll want to help your husband, but imagine being a kid who is not being raised by his mom or dad, but by his stepmom. It's best for him to have one of his biological parents as the main parental figure in his life.

CNP770's picture

Submitted by CNP770 on Thu, 06/06/2019 - 9:44am

fakemommy, 

You are right. I guess in my heart I want to be his Mom but I know that will never happen. I have been reading a lot about how to handle this so yes, I have to support my husband and I have to let him do the parenting. It's going to difficult because we were brought up differently so we have different styles. Not saying one is better than the other, just different. I am trying not to stress about anything because I have no control over this situation. All I can do is help make the transition a little easier, if possible. I am learning how to keep my mouth shut and it isn't easy. :-) 

 

STaround's picture

Submitted by STaround on Wed, 06/05/2019 - 8:53pm

1.  If there was something not so good that resulted in change of custody, get him counseling.

2.  Will he still be seeing his mom?   Will you get any breaks on weekends?

3. Sit down with DH, in private, and agree on rules.  If there were problems at mom's, and she was not a good parent, he may not be used to picking up after himeself.  Accept that he will have to be reminded.  Try and give positive feedback when approriate. 

4.  If school is already out, look around quickly for camp.  Town camps where I live are cheapest, then Y camps.  Even if they are full, you or dad should plead your case.  See if they provide buses, etc.

5. If DH has not already filed for child support, he needs to do so ASAP. 

ETA -- Dad needs to get hold of school and medical records, get him registered for school.  Don't wait till August, try to get appropriate class schedule.

Siemprematahari's picture

Submitted by Siemprematahari on Thu, 06/06/2019 - 9:17am

 Your life is going to change more drastically than you can ever imagine. You will have to adjust to having this teenager living with you both full time and become familiar with his habits and quirks. Allow his father to do all the footwork and you simply support him. Hope the transition will work out smooth for you and his father. Please keep us updated.

CNP770's picture

Submitted by CNP770 on Thu, 06/06/2019 - 9:53am

Thanks for the great advice. I know I am not his mother, and I have never acted like it him. I guess I should have said something different but I am an adult that has a responsibility to help my husband give this child a loving and caring environment. It takes a village. Thanks to my fellow village members! 

mollygreen22's picture

Submitted by mollygreen22 on Thu, 06/06/2019 - 11:52am

GOOD LUCK!,  dont try to be this kids mom nor should you want to want to be this kids mom.  Teenage kids are one of the heardest to stepparent keep boundrous and stay out of it if they ask for your opnion cool.  never let disrecept slide,  One time my step son told me oh your NOT MY MOM.  I was like your sure as shit im not your mom because if i was only the lord can help you! when your in this house i treat you like your my own and make sure you stay alive,  so mother or not you will respect me and my house.  He calls me the evil witch but deep down he loves me and is certainly starting to act right.   Hes becomming a lot cooler every day with me around and im proud i have a little something to do with that. And sometimes you can deal with stuff on your own always getting the dad involved makes you become A little annoying.  But seriously good luck !!