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grocery shopping fight?

Clovergirl's picture

Submitted by Clovergirl on Fri, 08/30/2013 - 11:56pm

It was supposed to be an okay day, however it didn't end well. BF and I went our usual by-weekly grocery shopping after dinner. He picked up a couple of canned peas and I said "we still have a few cans of those so we may not need them now." Then he said "I make this for my kids, they need to eat too." I was like o-k, but kept my mouth shut. By the end of the shopping trip I was thinking now what was I going to eat for breakfast and lunch, so I was browsing at the frozen aisle, BF walked up behind me and said impatiently "can we go now?" So ok, there we paid and walked out the store. I was kinda quiet since obviously I was a little upset about not really getting any real food for myself for the week. So BF asked me why was I so mad, I said "it would be nice for you to once in a while ask what do I eat all day." I was going to say "not just your kids need to eat, I do too", but held my tongue knowing it would not go well. That BF had the guts to accuse me of picking a fight. I really didn't, my tone was calm and not in a fighting tone. I realized he's been doing that lately, a very small comment from me would translate as a fight and I would be the one to have to make peace, such as go to him, hug him and kiss him first. I honestly don't know why he's doing that but tonight I am not in the mood to do that. I have laundry to do which he never asked if I had anything to wash when he threw his clothes in the washing machine. So, tonight, I am busy and I am going to watch a movie on youtube to have a relaxing evening for myself. Since he has his kids on Labor Day so go heck with this weekend, I don't care to spend with him, just go with my mood and be happy on my own. By the way, I have starting to hate holidays now, heck know which ones are his kids'. Don't bother to remember, just hate all of them.

Comments

MamaDuck's picture

Submitted by MamaDuck on Sat, 08/31/2013 - 1:20am

OMFG. I get gaslighted too. Shit. I am ALWAYS putting aside my feelings to coddle him!!!! Even when he's been the shit in our issues. Gah.

I've brought this up with him (although I didn't realize that it was "gaslighting") all he says is that he doesn't expect me to do it...... but what else am I meant to do when he sulks?!?! He can't pull himself out of it unless I tell him he's wonderful and all that crap. Gah!

Aeron's picture

Submitted by Aeron on Sat, 08/31/2013 - 3:55am

Yes. He Can. He chooses not to because its a power play. So he outlasts you and makes you feel bad so he can be in control again.

What you do is ignore his sulking butt. You are Not responsible for his feelings. He's a grown ass person, HE is responsible for his feelings. So if he wants to sulk, let him sulk. He Will get of it. Treat him normally and if he wants to be a sulky child,ignore the sulky child routine and move on with your day.

There's a book I've seen recommended here, I believe called The Gaslighting Effect. Maybe that would help give some other/better coping strategies.

AlreadyGone's picture

Submitted by AlreadyGone on Sat, 08/31/2013 - 5:46am

I think that anytime you get to the point that you're walking on eggshells, it's time to step back and do a little reaccessing of the whole relationship. I don't think it quailifies as 'gaslighting.' Gaslighting would be more of a 'he did/said something and then swears up and down that he didn't. Even when you clearly know he did. It's meant to keep you off balance and give him a sense of control within the relationship.

His words tell you what he's thinking... 'I make these for my kids, they need to eat too.' Obviously he doesn't feel that you take his kids needs in to consideration. Not saying this is true, just saying this is how HE sees the situation. Instead of manning up and having an adult conversation about how he feels, he plays this passive aggressive BS with you. To avoid a fight, you hold your tongue and nothing ever gets resolved. It's a lose-lose scenario, that left to it's own, will eventually ruin your relationship.

Maybe you should just bite the bullet and have the damn arguement. You shouldn't feel like you have to remain silent. That's just ridiculous. Time for him to put on his big boy pants and grow the hell up. Sorry, lol. Just my 2 cents.

Onefootout's picture

Submitted by Onefootout on Sat, 08/31/2013 - 5:49am

How about you stop going to the grocery store with him? Each of you can make your own separate trips and you don't have to deal with all the passive aggressive BS. My SO and I do this all the time, not because he's passive aggressive, he's always accommodating to me when I need to make sure I get what I need.

But sometimes the weekend comes and goes, and we didn't make time to shop together so we may stop at the store on our way home from work to pick up things, and he does the same for himself and his son.

The problem is your BF is actually picking a fight with you. He knows you need time to get your own food, and that's when he acts impatient and wants to leave. It's all about him. Then he knows you'll say something about it, and presto, you've just started the fight he's been wanting all day. It's a trap, don't fall for it. Just do your own thing. I'm sure he'll say something about that too, but just ignore him.

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Sat, 08/31/2013 - 7:15am

I can think of far more things I'd rather do than grocery shopping on a Friday evening. I avoid grocers on weekends. I also would have no desire to have worked all day, filled my tummy and then headed out to grocer. IMO the timing of your grocery trips plays a part in the 'can we go now'.

Who cares if you have 3 cans of peas already and SO tosses in two dozen more? You were thinking 'we already have some and probably don't need more right now' , but he's thinking 'oh I should get more of these, my kids eat these and we only have a few cans. I should pick up more so there is plenty'. Again, who cares if the cupboard will have more peas? The extra cans will be used eventually.

Food for you? Why are you waiting until the end to decide to worry about what you want to eat? Place what you want for yourself in the cart as you move through the store. If he's headed for the kiddie cereal section and time is an issue, get one of those little carry round baskets and back to frozen foods for you. Meet back up by check out. I guess I don't understand why SO should have to ask 'Clover now what would you like to eat'... unless of course the real issue is he doesn't intend to pay for food for Clover to eat during her times/days she's home by herself, But then that's a whole another problem than too many cans of peas.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Sat, 08/31/2013 - 8:49am

I am wondering if money is the issue? If things are pretty tight 2 more cans of peas may mean the difference between toothpaste or not. If it isn't then extra cans of peas is your way of trying to gain some control.
Also if you remain silent, he wins. So the next time he says "Let's go.." just say "I am choosing my breakfast. I will be a couple minutes..." and just IGNORE the crapfest that follows. If he wants to appear like a horses arse in front of the Friday night shopping crowd, let him.

I think what is happening here is what I see at work several times a week (I work in an doctors office). A couple come in. The husband is the patient. He is suddenly 6 yrs old cracking stupid jokes while his wife rolls he eyes and fills out all the paperwork. He asks her where his insurance card is. She huffs and puffs and takes his billfold and finds it for him. Then after their visit they come out all smiles and announce they are off to Olive Garden for lunch A)seeing his A1C has gone down a little or B)For the 'last good meal' for a while as they need to work on his A1C because it is too high. He makes his appointment half hearted and keeps checking with his wife to see if they have "anything on" that morning because 'she remembers EVERYTHING'.

You are stuck in a pattern of behaviour you hate. So change the pattern. Each take your own list with an allocation of money (if it is an issue) and do your own shopping. There does come a day when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and you can see the game playing for what it is.

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Sat, 08/31/2013 - 9:32am

I would have no place to put a few extra cans of peas. I have probably the smallest kitchen known to mankind. And the rest of the condo isn't big either - only 1 closet and zero storage. I already have kitchen stuff on shelves in the bedroom.

DH never wants to buy anything we are not using in 48 hours. I like to have a few staples on hand as I do like to cook.